kewlgurl

Has anyone successfully made it through recovery and stayed married/together to their alcoholics spouses/partners? I would like to hear from people who were able to made it through to the other side of recovery. I've read alot from those who have ended their relationships and had to move forward, but haven't seen much from anyone who was actually able to stay in their relationship with their sober significant other.

I'm not sure if it will be possible at this point, my AH is in rehab and just in the early stages of recovery so I have no idea if we will be able to work through everything at this point, but just looking for some advice from those of you that have.

bamboo10

My grandparents are the most "in love" people I have ever met. They have a relationship I strive to have. My grandfather became sober the week I was born when my grandma told him she would not stay home to do whatever he needed (I don't remember the exact situation) but that instead she was going to see her new granddaughter. He quit cold turkey from then on. He was sober 23 years and had a small relapse (less than a month) but got right back into sobriety after a detox. It is possible. That's why I have such a hard time with everyone saying leave leave leave all the time. Because I know sometimes it can be worth it. When I asked my grandma if it was (knowing that all situations are different) she said"yes, for me it was worth it" my grandfather is one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. He is my mentor and my role model. I cannot imagine a life without him in it, and if my grandma had not stood by his side, I would have a life without him in it. I thank god daily for his recovery, for their relationship, and for the fact that I am lucky enough to have such an amazing relationship with the both.

mrsbrownie

kewlgurl - i think its possible...who and when? who knows...

kate5858 - i know how you feel, as i felt the same way when i was new here...everyone told me to leave...go no contact...but of course it was just their advise because they are basing it on their experiences....loads and loads of it...some say that they are not making you leave since ultimately it still is your decision...but they were just saying to take care of you...you know how it is...it will always be a rollercoaster ride...do you always want to ask if he is telling the truth when you ask if a question about his drinking...relationships shouldnt be that hard...yes you need to work on it but dealing with an A is extremely difficult....i felt the same way as you...i can and will stand by my xabf....i thought i was showing him love by understanding what he is and what he is going thru...but instead of caring, later on i found out that i was condoning...ENABLING...if you have your boundaries and can keep them well and good for you...in the process of taking care of him, dont forget to take care of you too.

in the same light...it would be a pleasant surprise to hear life during recovery...and i would love to hear those success stories...maybe just maybe...hopefully someday it could happen to me too.

peace and hugs to both of you.

BobbyJ

Gosh, I could write you a book on this. Been there- done that!

The only thing I can say is: get to Alanon meetings, read the sticky forums on top
keep posting on this site, and im a huge believer in "Educating" yourself about alcoholism

I use to think my husband just drank too much - didnt realize there was a difference
between too many drinks and alcoholism....

Read thru alot of post made on this site. You might read one post, and say "geez, that sounds just like me" - Meaning: Your not alone

*One of the most important things, I learned while my XAH was in rehab*
Rehab is not a magical cure.......

He's getting help and I hope you find help too!!
When he get's home - both of you need to be ready for change's

Sending you hugs/prayers!

ichabod

I stayed. DH is in recovery and we are happy. This was after many years of struggle and heartache that I wouldn't repeat given the chance to live life over. It was a hard, lonely life.

That said, we are closer than ever now because there isn't the alcohol barrier to intimacy. The first year after he became sober (after many starts and stops prior) was hard. He was working his program and had massive issues with anxiety. I had huge issues with anger and distrust. In a lot of ways, that year was harder than the years of drinking because so much was unknown. I was so used to the drunk husband that at least then I knew what to expect every day and could live my life with some sort of regularity. After sobriety, I had to readjust. It's hard to explain. After the first year or so, life settled down and became good. We celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in January.

He goes to AA 4 or 5 times a week and is committed to sobriety. It was weird because in the past he'd be sober for 6 or 8 months and I knew it was a temporary thing. This time, it was different from the first day he quit. He was ready.

Spes

I have stayed married/together with my alcoholic spouse. She is not physically abusive and I honestly believe she tries to quit but she can't. Sometimes she can go a while without alcohol, then sometimes she can't.

I think it depends on your personality and beliefs. It also depends on your safety and whether children are involved. I believe I have made it through my own recovery. My spouse has not made it through her recovery yet but I always hope she may make it some day.

My life may not be as full as it could be by most other's standards but I think I'm ok. Some days are worse than others; some days are better than others. She has a disease and we deal the best way I can.

I don't have any answers. I think that I am successful. I succeeded through my codie recovery. I succeeded because I have had, and sometimes still do have, wonderful thoughts and feelings in my marriage. I do love my wife and I really do believe that she loves me. I think she loves the addiction more but the addiction is not another person.

Success resides in my heart and soul. I also believe in my marriage vows. I don't know if any of this helped you but it is what I am doing and how I feel.

Take care, and I wish you well.

OhBoy

My parents made it work. My mother served my father divorce papers a few times & when she was ready to pull the trigger, he got real sick with alcoholic hepatitis. So she stayed, she said she couldn't leave him when he was that sick. He was knockin on deaths door at that point. It was within a year that he entered treatment & he was sober every day after that. He worked his AA program EVERY day.

Things were still rough in the beginning though. My ma got real depressed & spent some time in the hospital. After so many years of dealing with active alcoholism, he flipped a switch & now life was turned upside down. But eventually their relationship grew & they found love again. He would always tell her that he couldn't guarantee his sobriety, he could start drinking at any point, because he was powerless over alcohol. She had to be prepared that he could pick up again & he would be right back where he left off. She had to live with that every day. But he beat it. He was about 25 years sober before he passed, not even a slip. He worked very hard at it. Our family was lucky that he was so strong & put so much into his program. There are WAY more stories of failure than success.

Now I am staring the disease in the face again with my wife. She doesn't seem interested in finding any recovery. I can see what my mother went through & it IS a hard & lonely life. I once asked my mother if it was worth it, staying for so many years. She had to think really hard for a moment & eventually said it was worth it. But she did have to think about it.

bamboo10

I will add to my grandparents story that my grandma studied and read a ton of books on alcoholism. She has read books that addiction counselors are reading for their college courses. She is very knowledgeable on the subject. She also spent 10 years in her recovery while he continued to drink. She wen to al-anon for many years. She made it clear to him that she loved him but her children came before his alcoholism. She is the strongest woman I know and I can only strive to be as strong as her with my bf.

dandylion

In line with Kewel's question, I would like to ask Kate5858 about her grandfather's sobriety.

Kate, you mentioned that he quit "cold turkey" and went to rehab once, but, did he have any sort of program---if so, could you say?

I will say that I have known of a couple of cases, personally, where the person had some sort of religious "conversion" (for lack of a better word) and never drank again. However---in each case they threw themselves into church as fervently as others have done with AA. The church seemed to be the central focus of their life. Got deeply involved in the running of the church and held positions of responsibility in the church---spent many, many, hours in the church weekly, and did all of their social life within the church circle.

I am just telling about this, because it is something I have seen. I should say that these particular people had been drinking for some time and their lives appeared to be headed toward destruction--loss of family, etc.....

dandylion

bamboo10

He went to several rehabs-but they never worked. Sorry should have gone further into it- he quit cold turkey but then started going to aa religiously. He still goes at least 3 times a week. He does not have any church ties or anything like that. My grandma is very involved in the church-but he does not even go.

dandylion

Thanks Kate. I don't mean to hijack this thread---but I think this pretains to the question that Kewel asked.

As far as my own personal experience, I have not known of a true alcoholic who has maintained long term sobriety without some sort of strong and continuous program under their feet. Be it the "church guys" that I mentioned or the ones in 12-step programs. I have no experience with any other type of program than 12-step.

dandylion

stepsforward

My RAH and I are still married. RAH started his recovery in 2008 but I didnt start my true recovery from the effects of being married to an A until 2010. I wish I had started it earlier. It is alot of work on you as an individual and as a couple. Please read, educate yourself, go to Alanon, exercise, eat right, get plenty of rest and do something FUN just for yourself. Hopefully your A takes the same path but if not you will become a stronger, smarter and healthier person. Good Luck and big hugs.

Tuffgirl

kewlgurl, best be prepared for whatever life brings you at this point - and by that I mean get into your own program and start working it, so you can remain detached and strong for what lies ahead. I am thankful everyone here and in Al-Anon beat it into my thick skull to work my own program. I am much better off today because of it.

And no - my marriage did not survive this journey. A few do...as you can see above. But most don't. It's terribly sad, but sometimes we win some, and sometimes we lose some. Such is life.

Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

dancingnow

For me I am staying with my RAH. He is less than a year sober. He says a year but I think it is more like 6 months. He had 4 months sobriety over a year ago when we were separated, then relapsed. We got back together after he got sober for a couple of months after relapse.

We're together now and working on our marriage, although priority really needs to be each working our own program.

Sometimes I slip when I let the fear of whether or not I am making the right choice take over. After all, there are no guarantees of sobriety and I do not want to be with my RAH "whether he's drinking or not". I want to be with him as a recovered sober man.

It's hard to explain, I do love him and care about him but life is so much more when not living through an unmanaged disease and that is what alcoholism is when one chooses not to seek recovery. I want to have a full life and I want a partner to share that with. As long as my RAH manages his disease, I think we can mend the damage and move forward.

I need to work my program everyday, through alanon meetings, reading, meditation, SR whatever it takes. As I said somedays it slips and there is conflict but it isn't the same as it was before, when RAH was actively drinking.

There are lots of good days and I am hopeful I will look back years from now and feel it was worth it. It's just one day at a time for me now.

FireSprite

Hi kewlgulr, I'm one of the spouses that has stayed.

My RAH hit his 1-yr sober mark in late July. Like so many of the other posters stated, it's a journey or progress, not perfection... one day at a time. I know it sounds trite, but it really is true. The first 6ish months seemed impossible, I really wasn't expecting to still be here in this capacity now. We both have to work hard at fixing ourselves & staying commited to the Big Picture, otherwise we'd never be able to maintain our relationship & work on moving forward. It IS possible, it just isn't EASY, lol.

Cyranoak

...all you have to do is resolve yourself to the fact that you will be living with alcoholism and the behaviors of alcoholics, whether they are drinking or not, for the remainder of your life together.

IT NEVER GOES COMPLETELY AWAY. Seriously, instead of looking for reasons to stay just focus on your own recovery and more will be revealed.

Cyranoak--15 years of misery, stress, and futility, punctuated by high level denial and occasional moments of fleeting serenity and happiness, and counting, with my alcoholic/addict bipolar wife. I don't wish this on anybody.

kewlgurl

I have no idea what the future will bring at this point. I realize rehab is not a magic pill and I also realize I have alot of work to do of my own. I've been doing alot of reading and will be starting personal counseling as well as family counseling.

It's going to be a huge adjustment for all of us. My AH has a TON of work to do and has a very long road ahead of him. I hope he choses sobriety. I'm not willing to go back to living with a passed out drunk, so we will just have to see if he is really comitted to stick to sobriety or not.

We'll see what the future brings. I can understand why so many relationships cannot survive the stress of this disease. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who choses to drink instead of doing what is in your families best interests.

Somebodyswife

I am struggling with the decision to go back to my AH (I left four months ago). He has been sober for five months and I've been going to Al Anon for a while and will continue working on myself regardless if I return or not. I do love my AH very much and I know he loves me as well. We have 30 years together and I just can't walk away without knowing we've done everything we could to save our marriage.

Thanks for listening.

lillamy

I've seen it, twice. In both cases, the spouse did two things: 1) Focused on her own recovery and 2) Lived her own life within the marriage regardless of what the AH chose to do (get drunk, get arrested, cheat, impregnate another woman, lose his job, forget where he parked his car, etc.)

I think those two women inspired me to try for a very long time. I know one of them is happy she did, the other one says "I maintained a lifestyle I want, beyond that, I can't say I'm happy."

For me, in the end, I was more important than any relationship. And the kids. The suffering of the kids was what pushed me over the edge.

Neagrm

I chose to stay because of kids and economic insecurities and have made it work despite husband having no program. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would. That said, I love my kids, and there have been very good moments in the marriage that see me through. ... I survive by Al-Anon principles and sponsorship, seriously and continuously working the program; early on had marriage/family counselors I went to on my own and they helped a lot with communication issues; have pursued my own life within the marriage, detaching with love/or not and minding my own business.

It hasn't been easy and many very tough times/years. Without the above work, it never would have happened. I'm very grateful we raised our kids and they are launched and are wonderful people forging their own lives. Now to figure out this next phase of life...