MTSlideAddict

I am still with my husband. He went to outpatient rehab. Then he relapsed, but then he got back on the wagon. He was willing to sign a legally binding contract outlining what is on the line, which I passed on to my lawyer, and now is going to AA and seeing is Psychologist regularly. I go to Al-Anon for me, and we have couples therapy with an addiction specialist counselor. I don’t know what the future holds, but I will not do it again. We are currently happy. We always have got along great when it was just him and I, and not a three way with lady liquor. The counselor is very good in my opinion. She has enforced that alcohol can not be in the picture to allow this marriage to work, and is helping us to communicate with each other on an emotional level.

For now I choose to stay…

JLOBYXMAS

MTSlideAddict: what does this "legally binding contract" look like? My AH is currently in rehab, coming up on his 30 days, insisting he's "all-better" and wants to come home. Would love to know what your contract says.

MTSlideAddict

The contract that was drawn up is more of a visual commitment to my boundary. It is a commitment to his sobriety during the course of our marriage and living under joint housing. It allows him a way out if he wishes to end his sobriety in the understanding that a divorce will follow. It underlines the costs that will incur to provide adequate safe housing separate from him. The contract also states that there is to be no alcohol, products with alcohol ingredients, or narcotics stored in any portion of the communal property’s lot in an attempt to hide, disguise, or conceal these substances. These are in a list of terms of conditions that he has checked off on and signed at the bottom.

We edited this contract together, and he was informed that this contract was given to my lawyer for safe keeping. It was a way to put a commitment on paper.

WishingWell

I'm still here. 7 years of dealing with this journey, over 20 years married. He was sober for almost 3 great years but has recently relapsed for the 2nd time in 2 years.

Truthfully, I was coming on here to post - do you ever think you are CRAZY for staying? My husband is a remarkable man, he's my best friend. Smart, educated, successful but boy those down years were a nightmare. Got legally separated, have all the conditions down in writing. House in my name, etc. But we know that they could hit the ground again - and time is ticking away as we're getting older.

I'm completely torn. We started couple therapy and therapist is working on our "communication skills" but my mind is saying - why bother? If he can't quit - there is no marriage! But then again, it could 5 - 10 years until I know. More time gone . . . this can be a very confusing life!

And I never want to rationalize the severity of this away -

Titanic

So, as I see it, these kinds of agreements are pretty simple in the As' eyes, right? They either sign them merely to appease & still use or drink, or the As mean to honor them and it's just a question of how much the As are committed to sobriety.

Is the agreement merely a reminder of what's to be done, or do you really think its words and effect will force the A to do what words and such have never done to make the A change? I really want to hear your and others' thoughts on this.

Peace.

WishingWell

My legal separation was strictly for me and my protection.

I knew it had no affect on his choices and it has been proven to have no affect.

Do an agreement that protects you. For your own safety. In my opinion - do not think it will stop anything. They always think, in that sick mind, that they'll get away with drinking anyway and that we'll never find out.

We do!

kewlgurl

I don't think I would be able to ride the rollercoaster ride of recovery and relapse, I just don't think I could do it without living a life full of anger and resentment and I'm not willing to live that way.
I have already had major financial impacts caused by my AH & I'm pretty much at the end of the rope at this point, so I don't really truly know if our marriage will survive this struggle.
I do love him, but the last year has been HELL and now he is in recovery and I'm not sure I can continue down this road.
Taking things day by day and trying to educate myself as much as I can to make informed decisions and reactions.

Titanic

Informed decisions and calm action, rather than impulsive, emotionally charged reactions. That's what I ideally want to do, but in real life it is not so easy.

Good karma & peace be with you.

MTSlideAddict

I feel it is a visual reminder as to what’s to be done. In Texas, where I reside, there is no such thing as a legal separation. It is either separate on your own or divorce. Separation for me would include selling of the house, which we are still upside down in, and dividing our other joint assets without legal assistance. When my lawyer informed me that Texas doesn’t have any such legal help regarding a separation I decided I was not ready to throw in the towel of divorce just yet. I know a piece of paper of any sort is not going to stop anyone from doing what they want, nor was it the attention of such agreement. The agreement stands for the promise and commitment that he made to me. It stands for my boundary. The contract is not made to force him to stay sober. Actually it allows him to have the option to proceed in active alcoholism if he should choose, but it states what he stands to lose by way of his marriage if that is the route he wishes to take. I know A’s can make empty promises, and there is no guaranty that this is not just another one of those, however, since it is on paper it is symbol to myself as well that I need to follow through on the boundary if it gets crossed.