bamboo10

OK so i feel like i should start of by saying I only want advice on this one topic. Please do not give me the advice to leave my ABF.

I have been reading "codependent no more" and have purchased "getting them sober" as my next read. I also just read through the thread about codependency from earlier. So here is my question, I know I should not clean up after him or anything like that, but do you point out that you know he drank or no? We had a bunch of friends over to (no alcohol) but there was wine used in a sauce. While I was washing dishes I noticed how high the line on the bottle was. After about half hour I went back in to wash the coffee cups and i noticed the line was lower. Not much-just about a glass, but my ABF was the only one in the house in between my dish washing. Do I say "so did you drink tonight?" and if he says no point out that I know he did? Or do I just let it go and say nothing? I am just starting to work on this codependent thing so I thought I would ask here.

Thanks for your advice!

bamboo10

ps- I know I already made a mistake just by realizing where the line was on the bottle...but hey, im new to this :-)

suki44883

Do I say "so did you drink tonight?" and if he says no point out that I know he did? Or do I just let it go and say nothing?

You know what you know. You know he drinks. You know he drank tonight. What would be the purpose of asking?

dandylion

Kate, my advice is to not confront him on it. He would either deny it, or get angry at you for checking on him....or for nagging him....or minimize the importance of it......

You would gain nothing. The only weapon the active alcoholic has is to lie or deflect the attention off himself in order to satisfy the overwhelming compulsion to drink. He is not doing it against you---it is the only way he has to pacify the "monster" within himself that demands alcohol.

It took me a while, but I learned to avoid the lies and fighting---which were so hard for me to bear. I already "knew" the drinking was occuring---and I knew I couldn't control it.

dandylion

FenwayFaithful

My boyfriend was missing hundreds of dollars and I asked him if he was using

He said no.

My boyfriend called me a cold hearted selfish b**** one night. I asked him if he was drinking.

He said no.

The police saw my boyfriend commit a crime and he denied it ever happened. I asked him, begged him just to be honest with me. He still claims he didn't do the crime, even as he sits in jail for committing another one.

Addicts lie lie lie and they manipulate. Of course he drank that glass of wine. You KNOW that but somehow he makes you question the truth. Addicts are intelligent and they know how to redirect. I'm pretty sure my EXABF could have convinced me there wasn't an elephant in the room when it was right in front of my face.

People here are probably still going to tell you to leave him. I won't. But I am going to say focus on yourself and your recovery go to Al Anon and keep reading.

There is absolutely nothing you can do for your boyfriend. No amount of love or attempt to control him will make him stop drinking. You are helpless in that sense. You can't control his behavior. You can only control yours

Develop your own interests and hobbies outside of this relationship and focus on yourself. Let him focus on himself and his recovery because he's the only person who can stop drinking.

Is he going to meetings?

PS- I agree about not confronting him. He will just lie or turn it back around on you. There's really no point in it. You know he drank so why bother even ask when he's just going to lie?

bamboo10

Thats was I thought...just needed some people to reconfirm my thoughts. Thanks!

Thumper

Asking an alcoholic if they drank would kind of be like asking someone if they took a breath earlier today.

Of course they did - and they will do it again.

choublak

No. Because people wouldn't lie about taking a breath.

Thumper

They might if they'd catch hell for it but had every intention of doing it anyway.

ZiggyB

I'm not sure what's the point of pointing it out, my ex did things like this often. I would go to sleep at night and there would be a bottle of wine in the refrigerator with some left in it. In the morning it would be gone, I think he would drink it for breakfast.

When I got tired of the stupid crap I did start confronting him. He would tell me to shut up about it so what good does that do? I knew it would start a big fight but at that point I did not care since I was sick of dating an alcoholic and I knew things needed to end. Most likely he would lie to you anyway.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but I will tell you it isn't going to get any better with this guy.

Seren

Some reading on SR that really helped me....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

There is also a lot of great reading in the stickies...particularly this one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html