Just need to vent
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Just need to vent
I seem to be swinging from being really depressed to angry. I seem to be crying in some shape or form some days, more so than earlier on after our breakup, over silly things. My friend and I went for a really lovely spa day in town, nice treatment, lovely lunch and then all was good. Then she wanted to buy her boyfriend something so we were in the men's section of a department store and all I could think about was the last time me and my X went shopping and how that wasn't going to happen anymore. I don't even like shopping for men's clothes??! Then I thought about Christmas (our anniversary is just before) and New Year and how I'd be alone. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!
But I am also angry as he was meant to be renegotiating some finance of his (to afford the rent for his flat that he clearly can't afford to live in - he refused to get a room when he moved out and had to get an apartment as he is still irresponsible) and part of the deal was he'd buy the car from me. The car we bought together in that he paid deposit etc. but I stupidly took out a loan in my name as his credit wasn't good and he then paid me the repayments. The car was for him to use for work but when he got a drinking related charge (failing to give a specimen), I took it back as I coudln't afford to lose the one asset against the loan which he immediately struggled to pay once we split. He was all miserable about how it wasn't fair and everything was on my terms (none of this is on my terms) but eventually he apologised, in his way, for me 'being hurt' and how we had had something special and he didn't want me to be upset. Note how he hadn't said HE had upset me - I'd been upset by 'things'.
Anyway, I have offered to sell the car to him for the amount outstanding on the loan - he'd have the car, I'd be clear of the debt. That was always the plan he'd said. He told me he woudl look at the figures and he was talking to the bank on Saturday and would let me know what hte outcome was. That's the SAturday before last and not a peep. He has let me pay the repayments since I took it back, even though he knows I don't want this car but I can't get a decent amount of money for it so my only options are to sell it to him or to keep it.
Maybe he didn't get the finance, maybe he did but he wants to see the outcome of his court case (in Nov) but all I wanted was him to behave decently, to let me know one way or the other.
I go in for an operation next week on my ankle, and he'd said a couple of months back he wanted to be there for me, even though we weren't together. What a joke. I have loaned him thousands of pounds and he cant' even text me to say sorry, I can't pay you back. I'd be angry but at least it would show balls.
I'm so fed up yet I can't just feel the anger, I just feel the pathetic sadness of five and a half years and I'm worth so little to him that he can't show me some sort of respect for everything I did, for our relationship for the supposedly 'special' thing we had. He has to do this too after everything else.
Someone up there is clearly showing me who he is and telling me to move on but why does it hurt so much? I used to feel that even if he was with someone else, I could cope if he got better as a result of us splitting up. Some stupid martyr thinking way back when I finished it. But I don't now. I hope he feels like crap. I hope he wakes up one day and realises I was the best thing he ever had and he treated me like sh1t and he feels guilty. I've spent months feeling guilty for the smallest thing I did or should have done. It's so messed up - it's completely the wrong way round. The one who does the damage, feels it the least. Tha'ts how it feels anyway.
Sorry for incoherent ramble, I just needed to write this somewhere.
But I am also angry as he was meant to be renegotiating some finance of his (to afford the rent for his flat that he clearly can't afford to live in - he refused to get a room when he moved out and had to get an apartment as he is still irresponsible) and part of the deal was he'd buy the car from me. The car we bought together in that he paid deposit etc. but I stupidly took out a loan in my name as his credit wasn't good and he then paid me the repayments. The car was for him to use for work but when he got a drinking related charge (failing to give a specimen), I took it back as I coudln't afford to lose the one asset against the loan which he immediately struggled to pay once we split. He was all miserable about how it wasn't fair and everything was on my terms (none of this is on my terms) but eventually he apologised, in his way, for me 'being hurt' and how we had had something special and he didn't want me to be upset. Note how he hadn't said HE had upset me - I'd been upset by 'things'.
Anyway, I have offered to sell the car to him for the amount outstanding on the loan - he'd have the car, I'd be clear of the debt. That was always the plan he'd said. He told me he woudl look at the figures and he was talking to the bank on Saturday and would let me know what hte outcome was. That's the SAturday before last and not a peep. He has let me pay the repayments since I took it back, even though he knows I don't want this car but I can't get a decent amount of money for it so my only options are to sell it to him or to keep it.
Maybe he didn't get the finance, maybe he did but he wants to see the outcome of his court case (in Nov) but all I wanted was him to behave decently, to let me know one way or the other.
I go in for an operation next week on my ankle, and he'd said a couple of months back he wanted to be there for me, even though we weren't together. What a joke. I have loaned him thousands of pounds and he cant' even text me to say sorry, I can't pay you back. I'd be angry but at least it would show balls.
I'm so fed up yet I can't just feel the anger, I just feel the pathetic sadness of five and a half years and I'm worth so little to him that he can't show me some sort of respect for everything I did, for our relationship for the supposedly 'special' thing we had. He has to do this too after everything else.
Someone up there is clearly showing me who he is and telling me to move on but why does it hurt so much? I used to feel that even if he was with someone else, I could cope if he got better as a result of us splitting up. Some stupid martyr thinking way back when I finished it. But I don't now. I hope he feels like crap. I hope he wakes up one day and realises I was the best thing he ever had and he treated me like sh1t and he feels guilty. I've spent months feeling guilty for the smallest thing I did or should have done. It's so messed up - it's completely the wrong way round. The one who does the damage, feels it the least. Tha'ts how it feels anyway.
Sorry for incoherent ramble, I just needed to write this somewhere.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Not incoherent at all. I understood every word.
Somewhere I remember reading that there is a time for every season under heaven.
Now is your time to work through and deal with all the anger and bitterness and wrath and fury and sadness and despair. And it will take a bit of time.
Then after a while you'll gradually notice some new feelings will start emerging. And the time for a new personal season will come and take the place of the old.
Oh, geez.... now I'm humming "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds
Somewhere I remember reading that there is a time for every season under heaven.
Now is your time to work through and deal with all the anger and bitterness and wrath and fury and sadness and despair. And it will take a bit of time. Then after a while you'll gradually notice some new feelings will start emerging. And the time for a new personal season will come and take the place of the old.
Oh, geez.... now I'm humming "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I've read it - recognised a fair bit! Ironically I read it two days before my x went on the bender that was the final nail in the coffin on our relationship. I'd even written a list if what I would do differently but never got the chance while we were together. Will read it again.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Grief is a strange phenomenon. I've had a rough week myself - grieving the loss of the dream of marriage. Missing my fantasy man. Feeling terrible. So finally last night, I went back to a book that really helped me in June (thanks M1K3 - still working to get unstuck) and read several chapters on acceptance and letting go. It was really helpful and this morning woke up feeling much better. Find something that works for you. For me, right now, it is this book. And the understanding that what I feel will pass - it may not feel like it in the moment, but sure enough - it does pass.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Expectations destroy more relationships than practically anything else. It took me years of work to let go of expectations but what I got back was peace of mind and relationships that were much more satisfying.
Anger is one way of hanging on and it sounds like you still have contact. Until you part ways completely strong emotional reactions will continue. This is the torture of codependency. Have you tried Al-anon? It's much better to stay in the solution instead of living in the problem. It can get much, much better but you must give up the drug first.
Anger is one way of hanging on and it sounds like you still have contact. Until you part ways completely strong emotional reactions will continue. This is the torture of codependency. Have you tried Al-anon? It's much better to stay in the solution instead of living in the problem. It can get much, much better but you must give up the drug first.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I'm finding the anger is helping me move on, rather than hanging on - before my sadness was making me wistful about the past whereas being angry is helping me see how his behaviour is unacceptable and not what I want or deserve.
We aren't in contact any more except for trying to sort out the car as I need to pay off the debt but I'm getting better. The old me would have texted to chase up what he wanted to do but I have left it and will not contact him about it now. So progress, not perfection as they say...
We aren't in contact any more except for trying to sort out the car as I need to pay off the debt but I'm getting better. The old me would have texted to chase up what he wanted to do but I have left it and will not contact him about it now. So progress, not perfection as they say...
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Grief is a strange phenomenon. I've had a rough week myself - grieving the loss of the dream of marriage. Missing my fantasy man. Feeling terrible. So finally last night, I went back to a book that really helped me in June (thanks M1K3 - still working to get unstuck) and read several chapters on acceptance and letting go. It was really helpful and this morning woke up feeling much better. Find something that works for you. For me, right now, it is this book. And the understanding that what I feel will pass - it may not feel like it in the moment, but sure enough - it does pass.
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