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Old 09-03-2012, 07:16 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Get a Acura. They are some of the most reliable autos available. Honda/Acura can get 300,000 miles on their engines easily. You are correct that the German autos are expensive to fix. They look good though. Your Lexus should still have good resale value. I'm bit of a car buff & thought I'd share. I own a older honda and like it.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:54 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I am finding that every little thing is setting of my frustration meter. I'm at my wit's end, LOL! I know that those are little things and I have to repeat over and over again, "How important is it? How important is it?", and "Don't sweat the small stuff."
I know exactly what you mean. Various themes of 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'it isn't important' and 'doesn't matter' was my mantras - for a very very long time. 'Let it go and get on with it'. 'Get over myself.' 'Count my blessings.' 'I'm ridiculous, this is no big deal.'

I had a very intense reaction to your post because it brought me back to that time in my life. The frustration, that turned to bitterness, that turned to rage, that turned into me hitting my bottom because I was so confused and lost.

LaTeeDa hit on it some. It wasn't really about the pizza box (or whatever) it was about all the rest of it. It was about that fact that he would not/could not even listen to my needs much less fulfill them. I could not depend on him. He could not take care of the cat, much less take care of me. He simply could not be the person I needed. The unspoken frustration had me at my limit. And here is the thing - it does matter. All those months and years of chanting to myself was not acceptance. It was me, ignoring my truths, telling myself that *I* did not matter. That my needs/wants/feelings were not important. My xah didn't have to brainwash me with all the endless verbal diatribes and abuse I read about here because I did it to myself. I got detached all right. There is a trick to detachment that I never learned. I detached from him *and me* and somehow - one has to detach from them but not from ourselves. I don't know how to do that without physical detachment.
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Then he tells me there was a dead packrat floating in the pool and he decided he'd give it a Viking funeral and he burned the dead body in the fire pit.
Sorry but this made me LOL.
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Old 09-04-2012, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I know exactly what you mean. Various themes of 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'it isn't important' and 'doesn't matter' was my mantras - for a very very long time. 'Let it go and get on with it'. 'Get over myself.' 'Count my blessings.' 'I'm ridiculous, this is no big deal.'

I had a very intense reaction to your post because it brought me back to that time in my life. The frustration, that turned to bitterness, that turned to rage, that turned into me hitting my bottom because I was so confused and lost.

LaTeeDa hit on it some. It wasn't really about the pizza box (or whatever) it was about all the rest of it. It was about that fact that he would not/could not even listen to my needs much less fulfill them. I could not depend on him. He could not take care of the cat, much less take care of me. He simply could not be the person I needed. The unspoken frustration had me at my limit. And here is the thing - it does matter. All those months and years of chanting to myself was not acceptance. It was me, ignoring my truths, telling myself that *I* did not matter. That my needs/wants/feelings were not important. My xah didn't have to brainwash me with all the endless verbal diatribes and abuse I read about here because I did it to myself. I got detached all right. There is a trick to detachment that I never learned. I detached from him *and me* and somehow - one has to detach from them but not from ourselves. I don't know how to do that without physical detachment.
When you mentioned that he couldn't be the person you needed, I think like that too. Then, I start thinking that maybe I just set the bar too high? Maybe I want too much from a marriage and so it's my fault that we're in this mess. And, yes, I need to learn how to not detach from myself, as well. My therapist gets on me about this because I have a hard time just expressing real raw emotion. Yes, I get frustrated, angry, sad, etc but to feel those things to the depths of where they come from? Nope, not happening. And, that is where I need to begin.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
When you mentioned that he couldn't be the person you needed, I think like that too. Then, I start thinking that maybe I just set the bar too high? Maybe I want too much from a marriage and so it's my fault that we're in this mess.
Liz ~ sweetie, this caught my attention - I too thought for many years - that it was my fault ~ That I wanted too much from my (now ex) AH ~

I started thinking maybe it WAS me that was too demanding, requiring too much from a partner, etc. . .

As you have seen me share, during those last few yrs of that marriage - I did lots of work, seeking what my HP wanted for me, what I thought I need to improve, and what I wanted for my life ~

I decided I would be OK alone rather than be in a relationship where I was so discounted by another person. I was basically ALONE already ~ I was the one supporting the home finanically, emotionally, - making all those important decisions, doing all the work, taking on all the responsibility ( upkeep, etc.)

I know this is just a vent post and please please - keep venting - thats what I did on my journey too ~ but just from the view of a woman that walked that path ~

please know it is not too much to ask to have an equal partner to participate in the home, in your life, in your marriage and in your walk thru this world ~ if they aren't willing to participate then is the relationship mutually beneficial?

Just the same questions my sponsor asked me as I worked thru the process, sharing them with you for you to be able to continue on your path seeking your answers . . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 09-04-2012, 04:00 PM
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Liz - I had those same thoughts. I still have them sometimes or think I'm just not cut out for interpersonal intimate relationships. Perhaps I'm just to messed up. Relationships and happiness seem to be for other people, not for me, and that is because of *me* not him or them.

In the end I got to a point where I said - "Well that might be true but it doesn't change the fact that this, right here today, what I have now with this person, is just not working. I am more miserable than I am happy." The scales eventually tipped and all I could think about was being away and alone. I still stayed but I didn't have even a fraction of the recovery that you have. You may never reach that point either - I'm just sharing my experience.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't have to settle. It is OK to say "This isn't working." Period.
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Old 09-04-2012, 05:58 PM
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Thank you, Rita and Thumper. I needed to read your words today. Just having a very down day when I look back on the words that my AH has said to me a few days ago and realizing that he hasn't done a damn thing for 'willing to work on it'. It just makes me sad that he pretty much expects me to do all the work so that he can come out smelling like a rose.
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:02 AM
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And here is the thing - it does matter. All those months and years of chanting to myself was not acceptance. It was me, ignoring my truths, telling myself that *I* did not matter. That my needs/wants/feelings were not important. My xah didn't have to brainwash me with all the endless verbal diatribes and abuse I read about here because I did it to myself.
I identify with this in a way that's way too close for comfort.

When you mentioned that he couldn't be the person you needed, I think like that too. Then, I start thinking that maybe I just set the bar too high?
From my perspective, this man who is an active alcoholic can't be the person you need, which is a mature, adult partner. He can't be a partner to you, emotionally or sexually, he can't be a sounding board, he can't be a co-parent, and he can't be trusted. You can wonder if you set the bar too high -- and yeah? If you're going to stay married to an alcoholic for the lifestyle perks, you will need to rework your expectations.

At your own peril! You spend a lot of time excusing his unacceptable behavior and minimizing the effects of his drinking on you, your son, and your general household. These stories make me cringe.

On the other hand, you could give up the Audi/BMW/tennis vacation lifestyle for now and get away from his antics, get your son to a safe place, take real care of your animals, and have a real shot at happiness and fulfillment yourself.

Keep venting, but this is my two cents.
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:10 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I had the exact same thoughts... I wondered for YEARS if I was being too picky, too demanding, too critical... too unrealistic. Didn't help that I had my XAH TELLING me that I was all those things!!!

So, before recovery... my life was like a limbo contest... how low could I go?!?! I kept lowering the bar on my expectations. I thought that "accepting life as-is" meant... you get what you get and you don't throw a fit! That's not the case at all.

Acceptance means we see things as they are... and then we decide what WE do or don't do with it. Accepting my XAH AS-IS meant - seeing him, warts and all, and deciding if I wanted to live with that the rest of my life or not. Accepting DIDN'T equate to settling!! For me, acceptance set me free.

What I wanted for my life (my expectations!!) were NOT unreasonable... but expecting my XAH to meet them... that WAS unreasonable!! Sooo... in my case... it turns out that I had been shoving a round peg into a square hole all those years. My XAH just wasn't the ying for my yang Phew... I felt soooo much better when I got to that point. It set us BOTH free. My anger at him subsided. And the best part... I got my self-worth back. I was worth more and deserved better treatment than I was getting... and now I'm free to go get it.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Old 09-05-2012, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
I had the exact same thoughts... I wondered for YEARS if I was being too picky, too demanding, too critical... too unrealistic. Didn't help that I had my XAH TELLING me that I was all those things!!!

So, before recovery... my life was like a limbo contest... how low could I go?!?! I kept lowering the bar on my expectations. I thought that "accepting life as-is" meant... you get what you get and you don't throw a fit! That's not the case at all.

Acceptance means we see things as they are... and then we decide what WE do or don't do with it. Accepting my XAH AS-IS meant - seeing him, warts and all, and deciding if I wanted to live with that the rest of my life or not. Accepting DIDN'T equate to settling!! For me, acceptance set me free.

What I wanted for my life (my expectations!!) were NOT unreasonable... but expecting my XAH to meet them... that WAS unreasonable!! Sooo... in my case... it turns out that I had been shoving a round peg into a square hole all those years. My XAH just wasn't the ying for my yang Phew... I felt soooo much better when I got to that point. It set us BOTH free. My anger at him subsided. And the best part... I got my self-worth back. I was worth more and deserved better treatment than I was getting... and now I'm free to go get it.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Thanks, Shannon, for sharing. My mom shared with me exactly that about being married to my dad. Her second husband is great for her even though I don't get along with him. My dad was like a lump on a log who just sat there and drank every night. He wasn't argumentative, he wasn't a jerk to her, he just wasn't 'anything', and she finally realized that her expectations of marriage weren't going to be met by my dad, but she was able to find that with someone else. And, my dad found someone else, too, very quickly. I swear I was never really bitter or angry over my parent's divorce. They both found folks who met their needs: my mom met a man who wanted to eat healthy, be told what vitamins to take, and was willing to read all the new articles on health and wellness and my dad met a woman who could out-drink and out-smoke him and she was the breadwinner in their relationship so he had a provider, too! Go figure.

Every time I share some of the 'woes me' stuff that AH writes, she says, "You know who that sounds like? Like your father." Now, I swore up and down that I wasn't going to marry a guy like my father. AH didn't smoke when we got married,he quit drinking before we got married, and he was going to church and seemed committed to a positive and bright future. None of those things reminded me of my dad. So, what do I have now? My AH smokes a pipe daily(he started this last fall out of the blue), he drinks, and has turned his back on going to church. Strange coincidence? I think not!
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Old 09-05-2012, 11:57 AM
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are you sure your not in DENIAL about him being an alcoholic? sometimes i read and re-read the posts and shake my head

this IS what they do..and who they are...

step 1 states: our life has become unmanageable over alcohol
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Old 09-05-2012, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
are you sure your not in DENIAL about him being an alcoholic? sometimes i read and re-read the posts and shake my head

this IS what they do..and who they are...

step 1 states: our life has become unmanageable over alcohol
Honestly, even though the acronym on here is AH I never refer to him as an alcoholic, not even in my own mind. I call him an 'alcohol abuser', mostly because he's a binge drinker. I do still have trouble with the alcoholic label because I believe that only the person who is abusing the substance can really call themselves an addict. Since AH has professed that he'd like to still have his beer from time to time, then I know I'm living with someone who's in denial about how serious his alcohol abuse is. That's about as far as my codependent mind will carry me.
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