abandonedluv

I am reading posts and occupying myself today. I have been in bed all day with "morning" sickness. Alone.

Posted the other day but had it removed. Just ended up embarassing myself and one member accused me of obsessing. I was so humiliated all day until I asked for it to be removed.

I think he is at a friend's cottage soaking up rays...

My appointment was scheduled for Tuesday..but I am having second thoughts and cancelled it. He is supposed to take me.

He doesn't text or call to see if I am feeling ok. He pocket-dialed me, repeatedly, on Thursday and when I texted him to tell him all he texted back was "Sorry.I still love you".

Still didn't even ask how I was doing.

I know he does not care. I know all the reasoning. And I know all the damage alcohol has done to his psyche and ability to feel empathy. But it still is incredibly painful. I wish I had never met him. I wish I could have taken all your advice in December and ran for the hills. The regret is stifling. I feel so foolish.

What's worse I feel like such a damned fool because somehow, I don't think I will ever feel for someone like I did him. I loved his smile, his eyes, his hands, the way he kissed my forehead before he left for work in the mornings. His talent. The way he told me every day, that I was beautiful. When he was sober, how he always thought to open doors for me, carry our groceries. Gave great advice. I think of my life without him and it feels unnatural .

What an idiot I am. If I come out the other end of this alive it will be a miracle. I have never, in all my days, been in this much pain.

How you all are so strong, I don't get it!

dollydo

"
What's worse I feel like such a damned fool because somehow, I don't think I will ever feel for someone like I did him. I loved his smile, his eyes, his hands, the way he kissed my forehead before he left for work in the mornings."

Hun, that all part of the fantasy you are creating in your own mind. There are many good men in the world. Those who are clean and sober and really do care...they are responsible and focused.

He is an addict, his first and only love is feeding his addiction...that is the reality, that is the truth.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain, focus on you, your life, your future...he has nothing to offer you but heartache and disappointment.

Learn2Live

If someone said they thought you were being obsessive and you did not like that, you're allowed to ignore it. Try not to let other people's thoughts, words, or needs bother you too much, K? We all come her for support and perspective and it's OK to just ignore things that are not helpful to you. I personally have been obsessive in my past, quite a few times, and usually as a result of living with and then being abandoned by a rather sick person. Several times. I keep repeating this in my life. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I know I need to see the truth about myself in order to fix it.

Sanity2012

If your best friend told you what you just posted, what would you advise her to do? Would you say, stay in a situation that is harmful, hurtful, and maybe sometimes hateful? I am learning to treat myself as my own best friend. I hope you can give yourself the same consideration. You deserve it.

Shadydeal

Please don't be embarrassed about any of it! One thing I have learned from this site is that I can go HERE and realize most of us have felt like a fool! Most of us gave fallen for a dream....most of us have been obsessed at some point! Some of us still are to some degree. Some are further along in their recovery than others. I love the pain pain go away! I think it does when we give it time and let it! I don't know I am still trying to let go and move forward in my mind! I have let go physically and there is no going back for me! However, i still have a long way to go! You are not alone. Take care of yourself....

ZiggyB

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear you are still obsessing, from what I know that seems to be typical codependent behavior.

I read a little bit of your story from previous posts. I really wish you could consider going no contact with this man. If he really is as evil and heartless as you make him out to be, why on Earth are you still keeping in contact with him? Get someone else to take you to your appointment, a family member perhaps?

As painful as it is detaching from the alcoholic, you will get over it. This is a very toxic relationship that is bad for you and your mental health. I know how much you are hurting and full of regrets. I also wish I had never met my A., the amount of pain and suffering he caused me in the last five months is indescribable. I went to a psychiatrist to help me deal with it all.

Get the help you need from wherever you can find it but please stop talking to him... okay?

seek

One thing that could help you is to focus on the bad stuff he has said and done to you - when you start getting all nostalgic for the good stuff, take out an index card where you have written down all of the horrible things he has said and done to you.

Lather, rinse, and repeat, as needed.

android1

On feeling like a fool on here, my post today made me feel like a fool. In fact I said that one post towards me felt like a slap in the face.

I honestly haven't seen your previous post. But if you felt the fool, you probably were.

I know I was a fool. A lot of us are here because we have made or are making foolish choices. The beauty of this form is people won't sugar coat their thoughts. What is said may not be what you want to hear. Butthe choice is always yours to take the advice or to leave it.

sweetteewalls

I made a fool posting how I was making progress then later that evening, losing my marbles...so don't ever feel ashamed. We have all been there. Be kind to yourself.

djayr

Dealing with my AW has made me feel like a fool dozens and dozens of times. I have made so many mistakes. My friends and family are probably dying to say "I told you so", thank God they don't.

Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, it's OK. Everything I learned, I learned the hard way. Thank you very much for your honest post. Take care!

Hypatia

Does it really matter what an anonymous person sitting perhaps thousands of miles away behind a computer thinks about something we've written?

What is more interesting to me is how I respond to people who reply to one of my posts. If I find myself getting angry then I try to figure out why. Am I being defensive or is the person just being a jerk? What has triggered my strong feeling towards this one reply as opposed to any others I might have read and simple accepted or rejected without any strong feelings?

If more than one or two people are just not getting what I am trying to say then perhaps I need to work on expressing myself more clearly. And if everyone seems to be saying the same thing then I ask myself why I keep resisting. I may have a very valid reason, or I may be in denial, or perhaps they are unknowingly triggering me and I am actually reacting to the memory of a previous real-life encounter instead of the actual words I am reading at the moment on my screen.

I cannot help but put my own spin on things since I am writing from my own perspective and experience. And the people reading my words cannot help but put their own spin on things using their own perspective and experience. The contrast is sometimes enlightening and can lead my thoughts in a completely new direction.

Embarrassment is simply one of many feelings we all experience on a regular basis. How we deal with it says much about how comfortable we are with ourselves and our situations. In real life we cannot take back words spoken aloud and have to deal with the consequences. Those consequences can vary from slightly uncomfortable to downright dangerous. That feeling of embarrassment may in real life be a huge deal. But here on SR, we have the opportunity to do trial runs in a safe environment. We can write those same words, receive feedback, and get a feel for how it might go in real life with no damage done except perhaps to our own egos. We can then start tinkering with our words and concepts in further posts, and in the process change and develop new ways of understanding both ourselves and others.

That is the real strength of anonymous forums like SR. We can make mistakes with no harm done since it is a virtual world. We can play around with ideas, get feedback, and practice various approaches until we find one which we are comfortable with. We can be brutally honest without fear. And we can use the replies and our resulting feelings as a sort of sounding board to help us develop new strategies in dealing with real life. Instead of feeling a need to cover up our embarrassment, we can actually write a new post acknowledging our feelings and work on better understanding them. And that is exactly what you have done! It takes real strength to be so brutally honest with yourself in front of an audience.

You are strong, too! You are here, posting and working out your thoughts and feelings. I still remember not so long ago sitting here on the sofa in the middle of the night, crying so that I could hardly see through the tears. We've all had moments of despair and feeling weak. But sooner or later we wipe away the tears, and decide that we have to do something. We haven't continued to sit in a dark corner and cry in agony. You and I and the other members of SR have gone online and started reaching out for help and information to help us deal with the pain.

And that is a sign of strength.

peaches08

I don't think you're stupid, but I really would listen to the folks here. They know, they've been through it. I know how bad it hurts to walk away from "love". I also remember how bad I hurt when I still had AXBF. I cry a lot now, but I cried then too. In time I hope not to cry anymore and to have a new person in my life that doesn't call me names and make me feel bad.

Learn2Live

I have felt like a fool in so many relationships they should just give me a jester's hat and put me in the corner until they're ready for me to come out and entertain them. Seriously. I am gullible and emotionally dependent and these people who keep coming into my life know I'm easily manipulated. And I admit it, I just go along with whatever other people decide and let them make the decisions about how my life will be. My mother is the same way. But I make no sense to myself because at a certain point I had my life a certain way and I was happy. I guess I'm just not strong enough, but people tell me I am a strong person. I just don't get it.

What a psychologist told me the other day was, "I doubt you are truly codependent, but you are emotionally dependent (which I also heard from a psychiatrist years ago) and you got conned." My current psychiatrist told me that I really need to work on allowing the other person to take responsibility for his own behavior. Thinking about what these folks have all told me makes sense. I involved myself with a selfish person who thinks the world revolves around him, does not care how the things he does affects other people, is reckless and immature, and used me to get his wants and needs met. Honestly, I didn't NEED him in my life or my home, he just came and took it over. But once I got hooked on all that charm and attention from him, I became emotionally dependent. Yes, sometimes I feel like a fool for believing him and falling for his promises about our future, but it doesn't do me any good to think that way. I need to get smart about these people somehow and work on my emotional IQ or whatever it's called.

abandonedluv

Thanks for this. I don't know what to do. I feel really really alone and this is a situation he had 50% involvement in creating? I don't have a family member nearby I can call on. Nor any girlfriends. I suppose I could try harder to make arrangements with someone. I think maybe I was a bit apprehensive, semi-asked a friend or two then backed down. I know I partially don't have many options because I haven't really explored them. But I am so embarrassed half the friends I have do not know the extent of what is going on here...

Eddiebuckle

Embarrassment and humiliation are what happens when we realize that in a particular instance our ego exceeded our humanity. You are human, flawed yet divine; self-forgiveness is part of the growing process.

Try to be more gentle with yourself.

abandonedluv

The post I am talking about was one about NPD.

I really love how people suggest readings and books in the hope of helping understand our situations.

Im inquisitive by nature, so I did most of the readings and research and was discussing NPD in terms of my ex and the peculiar ways in which he matched or did not match up with the description(s).

I really didn't mean it to be an obsessive post over HIM per se, but it was so interesting to me to dissect what happened, explore the science of it and put meaning to some behaviours.

I even mentioned a heightened interest in a career in addiction counselling or social work....

I dont think the 'poster' meant harm, it was just reading the words about how I was "obsessing" and that he certainly wasn't thinking about me as much, really hit like a dagger and I felt so ashamed.

A lot of you keep mentioning to find people to help me through my appointments etc. But Ive isolated myself so much through this relationship I have a select few people like that, that I can count on. And they are all busy with work etc. And I almost fear feeling MORE alone with someone who has never been through this, patting me on the back and offering me ice cream and telling me everything is going to be 'ok' when they don't really know that.

That is almost worse than being alone. Do I make sense? I don't want some girlfriend who has never gone through this, putting on her best sad face pretending like she knows what this feels like.

Hanging on to the fantasy that his tears and statements of sorrow are sincere makes me feel comforted and like I am walking through this with someone. Well, at this point I haven't heard from him in four days. So I guess that is neither here nor there....

I am under no illusion we are getting back together or this is some love story. I know this is irreparable, toxic and destructive and thats part of the pain.

Walking away and knowing the other person does not care, and will never.

And walking away knowing if only alcohol was not an element in this person's life, things may not have to be this way.The thought of his entire life being wasted on this path, makes me so so sad for him. Because he has potential and goodness in him. To know he will awake one day in his old age full of regrets and anguish seems like such a waste...but I know, that can not be my problem....

Learn2Live

I see there is a practical issue here and that is getting to the dr's appointment, is that correct? I know in the past that when I had a problem or issue and needed someone to help me resolve it, I would become so very upset and hurt and I would cry because here I was, needing help, and the person or people I was always helping were NOT HELPING ME too!!! It hurts so much! Do you possibly feel this way too??

abandonedluv

Not so much L2L.

Yes, the issue here is getting to the doctor, but at the same time I just feel a little alienated from the people I have close to me. through no fault of their own though. I just dont feel like letting someone into this. Its so intensely personal and heavy. If that makes any sense....

abandonedluv

Thank you, dearly for this. And your thoughts. All of this is good advice and it is not falling on deaf ears. Thank you!

Tuffgirl

There is a great saying in Al-Anon and AA, and of course here...Take what works and leave the rest.

At first, when I would come here and post about my ex, I got corrected repeatedly. Sometimes, when I was feeling very vulnerable and wallowing in my own fantasy land, this stung. To the point that I called a few out on their harshness, and amazingly each one told me they didn't intend to be harsh - they intended to break through MY DENIAL. Wow. Damn, didn't think of it that way at all.

Doesn't matter why this man acts the way he does, be it addiction or NPD, what matters is what you have today, and how you are going to deal with it today. The past is the past, no going back and changing that. The future is unknown. But you have today, this minute, to do something different.

Hugs today. And you say morning sickness...and pardon me for not remembering your story but I assume you are pregnant...keep in mind you are going to be on your own emotional roller coaster! Hormones are a b*tch when we are pregnant! ; )