NWGRITS

I feel like throttling my sister, but I'm going to post here instead. I'm not really looking for advice because I know what I need to do, but I won't get angry if anyone does post.

Basically, my sister is the one who is always getting onto other people about leaving kids around our AM or not taking care of my grandmother (she lives with AM). She's also the one raging and calling the police, dragging AM off to the hospital/rehab whenever something happens. I get the angry phone calls, although I'm not sure what she expects me to do from the other side of the country. My sister is also the one buying AM drinks and living it up whenever AM's inability to drink would hamper her own good time. Take for example, yesterday's Jimmy Buffett concert in DC. My ex-MIL wanted to know if I'd seen the pics on Facebook of my sister and AM getting their drink on at the concert. I told her no, because I've blocked all my family members on Facebook and don't talk to them because they tried to pin AM's most recent crisis on MY kids. I had totally forgotten that it's Labor Day weekend-- this is an annual pilgrimage to Northern VA.

I'm just angry because I'm always the one getting sh*t on by the people who enable AM. Which I know is because I'm the only one who has never bought or given AM alcohol, I'm the only one who doesn't put up with her crap, and I'm the only one working on my own recovery. My aunt is getting better, but she's an RA herself with a few years of sobriety under her belt. She's still figuring out her own issues, so dealing with her sister is not something she really needs to be adding to the pile.

Anyway, I know I just need to breathe and let this go, because I can't change anyone else's behavior. I need to focus on myself, my husband and our kids, and let everyone else be with their lives. I'm so glad I have my weekly Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night.

suki44883

Vent away! It helps. ((((HUGS))))

NWGRITS

I am much calmer now, thank you. I'm at work, so I had to get it out somewhere so I don't take it out on my guests. A cranky front desk agent at a hotel is not a good thing. I don't need any complaints lodged against me tonight.

Hypatia

I just got a flashback after reading your post. About six years ago I saw the signs and tried to get my own mother into assisted living. I flew home and we toured a few places but she said she wasn't ready to move out of her condo yet. So I had a chat with the extended family on my mother's side, told them of my failure, and asked them to keep an eye on her since they live in the same city while I am thousands of miles away across the Atlantic.

Two years later I started getting angry phone calls from various family members and friends demanding that I "do something". They were getting tired and frustrated of dealing with her phones calls and driving to my Mom in the middle of the night. I suppose they were expecting me to arrive, wave my magic wand and make everything better. But without handcuffs there was still no way that my mother was going to budge.

Those folks didn't understand that they were ENABLING my mother to stay in her condo for way too long. I had done my best, shown my mother her alternatives, and then sat back and waited for her to realise that it was time for her to move. I knew I couldn't force her to move. But I wasn't going to fly back, move in with her and take care of her 24/7 just for her to continue her illusions of an independent lifestyle.

So I fended off the angry phone calls and waited. It was tough, and I have ended up burning a few bridges with relatives and friends because of my supposed lack of love for my own mother. But finally, after 4 visits to emergency within a single year because of mom falling and being unable to get up by herself, she realised and accepted that she could no longer live by herself.

At that point, I arranged by phone to have my mother moved from the hospital directly into a care center which a relative visited ahead of time and checked out and pronounced as being ok. Assisted living was no longer an option. Then I flew back to finish off the move and ensure that everything was properly taken care of.

Would you believe that some family and friends are still angry with me? But my conscience is clear, and mom has adapted is fairly happy in her new home. Most importantly, I can sleep nights with my decision.

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I wasn't dealing with alcoholism. But the situations were certainly similar with several parallel themes. I have no advice or suggestions, but just wanted to share my own experience.

Tuffgirl

Ahhhh family - they put the fun in dysfunction!

Hugs today - glad you are feeling better. My family is totally dysfunctional, so I understand your frustrations.

NWGRITS

Hypatia- Your family sounds very much like mine. Everyone is more than happy to scream and demand that I do something about our grandmother or AM or whatever the deal of the day is, but none of them will step up and help out, when they're perfectly able to. I moved back into AM's house twice to take care of my grandmother. Then I got crap for having my kids in the house with an active A. I finally called it quits because I realized I couldn't spent the rest of my life being the caretaker for other adults in my family. I had my own children to take care of, so I finally took my then-long-term bf up on his offer to move in with him. He is now my husband and the Navy moved us to Washington state a little over a year ago. Best thing I've ever done for myself and my kids. They have a great stepdad, a wonderful community to live in, and a happier, less-stressed mom.