joespectre

me and my wife have been together for 12 years married for 5 years and she found AA 9 months ago, we have 2 children and this week she has told me she needs to find out who she is and that I should do the same. In short we need to go our seperate ways. She says she still loves me but to progress with her steps she must do this. I could talk about support I've given through drinking and her being sober but its easier to say that I feel like a crutch thats been cast aside and dont know what to do.

dollydo

I am sorry, sometimes it is just over and soberity has nothing to do with it....except...that the "A" is now thinking more clearly.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this and all the Family & Friends Forums, lots of great information at your fingertips.

NYCDoglvr

How very painful, I'm sorry you're in this situation. "Sobriety" hasn't ended your marriage, it's a decision your wife made after giving up alcohol. I recommend Al-anon, which saved my life after the end of a relationship. I'm not saying your relationship is over, it may be a temporary hiatus. The important thing is she loves you.

Shadydeal

I am sorry! I am sure this is very painful but I have no doubt that all of this has been painful. I have heard of this happening but it could change tomorrow too! I don't have much to offer but try to move forward w/your life and work on yourself. Just because she is sober today does not mean she will be sober tomorrow or has a sober mind. Take care of yourself and hang in there.

Sanity2012

Each time I tell someone, my AH said he was "unhappy" and wanted a divorce, I died a small death inside. They say "time heals all wounds"...but why does it take so long? The only advice I can give you is what others have said...work on you. Her path of sobriety is a long one, probably longer than your healing. It has been 4 months for me. I can honestly say I am at a better place and AH is much worse. Hang in there!

EnglishGarden

I have just finished reading a book by a Jungian therapist who works with alcoholics and drug addicts ("The War of the Gods in Addiction" by David Schoen) and in it he says it takes about three years for the newly recovering addict to begin to think rationally and have good judgment. Until that time, this therapist asserts, the brain of the alcoholic/addict is still in significant disorder.

What is indisputable is that you are powerless to talk your alcoholic wife out of anything she thinks she wants to do.

The separation may be a temporary one. Try not to project outcomes. If today she demands a separation, I would cooperate, for you really cannot coerce her into staying. But you might advocate for a legal separation of one year, instead of divorce, and ask for counseling together when she has 18 months' sobriety, to either finalize the ending of the marriage or to rebuild it.

There is a reason AA advises newly recovering alcoholics to make no major decisions in the first year of sobriety, and it is based on decades of experience witnessing the catastrophes alcoholics create in early sobriety with their still-disordered thinking.

Good luck to you.

joespectre

Thank you for this, it seems the most fitting for the situation and I can relate to what it says. just still feel like a fool because at the times i felt like running away I stayed with the hope times would be good again and up till this week I thought we were there. also makes me realise simply not drinking doesnt make you sober. Its time for 'me time'.