mdh0723

The numbness I was feeling after sending my AH the final divorce papers must be wearing off, cause I'm feeling super sad this weekend (doesn't help that it's been dreary here all weekend). All of those "what if's" are popping back into my head and I've been praying ... non-stop. So much for "letting go ..."

I know that this is not my fault and I know there is nothing I can do to help him. I know I need to, at this point, work on me and getting myself healthy again. I need to find a sitter and go to Al-Anon. I know all that ... but it still hurts - and knowing all of that doesn't make the pain go away.

Honestly, there are times that I want to march my butt to his "bachelor, no-responsiblity-zone, I can drink when I want, as much as I want" apartment and scream at him ... and shake him ... ask him how he could hurt us so much ... how he could just abandon us -- and not seem to care??? But he doesn't know why and that would be pointless -- his mind, his spirit, his emotions, his life ... are consumed by his addiction. Even when I try to imagine the pain he must be feeling, I'm sure I don't even come close. Just as he can't imagine mine (hence the reason we need to stay on our own side of the street).

When I'm feeling low, I either come to SR or read one of the many books that I have on addiction, abandonment, co-dependency, life (you get the picture ... I have many!). Today I decided to grab a book my mom gave me that was my Nana's: "The Promise of a New Day" (Nana was 62 when she became sober and 72 when she died). When I opened it to today's meditation there was a portion of the passage UNDERLINED BY NANA HERSELF FROM PROBABLY 25 YEARS AGO ... "Wanting events to have a certain outcome can blur our view of what is actually happening. We can delude ourselves to the point of denying the reality we perceive, in favor of some ideal, some fantasy".

NUFF SAID. Thank you Nana - I needed that today.

Freedom1990

I know for me that numbness is often a coping mechanism to get me through something, and then the unpleasant feelings surface later.

I understand your sadness. Even though EXAH and I had been living apart in different cities for a long time and separated for even longer, there was a sadness when the divorce papers were drawn up, and eventually the granting of the divorce.

It was a loss of dreams, or more aptly in my case, fantasies because I never was realistic in any sense of what I expected out of that marriage and EXAH. It was the end of a chapter in my life.

Other things I have done when sad, in addition to what you've already mentioned, are little treats like a long hot bubble bath with just candles for lighting, and music if I am in the mood. I get a manicure every two weeks faithfully, and keep my hair colored and cut on a regular basis. Those things always cheer me up.

Then there are times I have journaled and just "sat" with the sadness. I've had many good crying sessions too.

I'm glad you came here to share. Pain shared is pain lessened. Sending you hugs of support!

peaches08

Very well said indeed. Thank you for sharing this.

Shadydeal

Some days really are very hard. The whole thing is just sad and I think that for a long time we have mixed emotions. I still miss my XABF a lot at times but I know I miss the person he could have been or who I wanted him to be! I don't really miss the person he was and by the end of our relationship he was a jerk, self absorbed idiot! Sometimes I forget those things and come here to remind myself that there are plenty of people just like me and have gone thru the same thing.
I don't understand how someone could just leave, I don't understand the whole thing! In the end I guess I am glad I don't and I am glad I don't think like that... Take care of yourself.