Anon12

I've had an ok week but I keep coming back to something my XABF said to me after we'd split up, before he'd moved out. Just thinking about it has me in floods of tears now even though I know the logical thinking, it just hit a raw nerve.

He said I never wanted to be close to him. This was after we'd had a row about his move date or something stupid and he went to hug me afterwards and I was still angry (and not technically his GF anymore anyway) and he said the comment. I know he was still drinking then so it was meant to hurt me but it really did. I'm finding it so hard to let it go. Maybe because it hit a raw nerve. We were always very affectionate and we had a great physical relationship for the first few years but I had retreated from being intimate with him over the last few months because of all the stress and pain from his drinking and breakdown of trust. But like a lot of relationships, before his drinking got really bad I think I had taken our relationship for granted and so I didn't make as much of an effort if you know what I mean. I was tired from work and feeling unattractive as I'd put on a bit of weight. Then drinking got worse and so I retreated more.

I know he played his part but I keep worrying that his drinking getting worse may have been because he was unhappy with our relationship, because I wasn't being a good girlfriend in that way. I want to slap myself as I write this but there is this nagging doubt that I can't make peace with. I keep wishing I'd done things differently but I know logically I didn't make him drink. He never said anything mean to me until we split up but when he did, it was the thing that hurt the most.

I keep thinking I'm doing better and then out of nowhere I feel that niggle and then I remember the comment and then come the doubts and the wishes I'd done stuff differently. I just want to find a way to get past it.

ichabod

You could have been the Queen Bee Superstar of Girlfriends and he would have been an alcoholic. He threw blame on you because he knew it would hurt you and that's what he wanted to do. Please don't take it seriously.

aggie96

Angry drunks say the craziest things...

EnglishGarden

"I know he was still drinking so it was meant to hurt me."

That is the core truth in your story. Pay attention to what you KNOW. Accept and have faith in what you KNOW. Addiction wants you to die inside and to doubt all of your higher wisdom, because if you do that, it no longer has to deal with you.

Your exabf is controlled by a power, a compulsion, a possession GREATER THAN HIMSELF. And when he lashes out, in the most cunning, shocking, hurtful way imaginable (because it worked, didn't it?), that is not HIM. He is consumed, dear. It is NOT HIM.

With addiction in control, he does not want to be close to YOU. You complicate his using, his frenzy. You are IN THE WAY.

So, as all alcoholics are masters at leveling everyone around them, he said just what would work to inflate himself to superior proportion and deflate you into shame, guilt, self-doubt, self-loathing.

He has likely been addicted for a long time, even in the early days of your relationship, and while you were retreating from the change in his personality, he did not give a sh**. He didn't. Because in addiction, the drug is the number one driving force in the addict's life. And relationships are important only if they serve the addiction. Otherwise, the addict just does not care. At all.

Spit out that piece of poison apple. What he said to you was the dark evil of addiction trying to hurt you. Spit it back out.

NWGRITS

I'll bet that hurt so much because for the longest time, you were thinking the same thing toward him. But to hear him say it to you, in that way A's do, made you feel insecure, like maybe you were responsible for it after all. Yep, been there done that with my AM. A good 20-something years of that crap. I still struggle sometimes when I have an instance like that with a family member, since I am NC with my AM. They are masters with words, and they know what makes us tick. Just remember that he is still an A, and you still deserve to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't one.

Hypatia

Have you considered that perhaps you're mixing up two separate issues?

The end of any relationship can bring out the worst in people, regardless if they are drinkers or teetotallers. It isn't unusual for some people to lash out and try to hurt their ex-partner during or after a breakup.

As for slapping yourself for the thought that you might have influenced him and made him drink, may I instead suggest a cup of tea? You are not to blame for his drinking.

Seren

He may even believe what he said, but that certainly doesn't make it true. Please don't accept the blame he is laying at your feet. That is his baggage. He packed it, he can carry it.

I hope today will dawn a little brighter!

Anon12

Thank you - I know deep down I'm not to blame but hearing others put the logic together here really helps.

I was meant to be doing my symbolic 'letting go' today and I went to a local beauty spot where I wrote my letter to my XABF to let him go and then burned it (safely) before letting the ashes blow away. I talked out a lot of what i'd put below as if I was telling him I had done x, y and z and how it wasn't my fault and I was letting him go with love. I'm sure people who walked past and may have heard me and thought I was mad but it really helped as does the support here. Thank you again.

Katiekate

(((((((((Anon))))))))))))))

hope you feel better today.

xo

aggie96

Sounds like I need to attend an alanon meeting