Threshold

And I need to tell somebody.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. About ten weeks ago, he got sober. We had a lovely summer. I had to move very far away due to family responsibilities.

He was really happy to be sober, and often spoke of how much better he felt, etc.

Last week was the last time I'd heard from him. With him, silences are usually "deadly". He was not responding to calls or emails.

I got an email from him overnight. He's drinking again. He says this particular bender will end with him dead or sober, and he's sorry he's lost us.

Of course there is nothing I can do. even if I was there, there is nothing I can do. We've had every discussion a couple can have over the course of our relationship about drinking and recovery. I've scraped him off the floor drunk and sobbing and offered to drive him to rehab, etc etc.

Now he is on his own, which in the end we all are...no one can make us choose life. But as you all understand, I am terrified. He is 2000 miles away, and there is a real possibility that I will never hear from him again.

Most people in my life have not deal with this, their understandable response is that I am better off with him out of my life. And I own that may well be true, but beyond that I still feel the pain, fear and frustration. And I wanted to "talk" to someone who also understands THAT part of the equation.

I knew it was probable that distance would in time end our relationship, and that would have hurt, but this is absolutely worse. And as a recovering addict myself, I know it was absolutely preventable.

I feel sick and lost.

Freedom1990

I want to respond to your post, but would you mind clarifying exactly what was preventable? Thanks!

MartyMcFly1

Is there anyone close by that can reach out to him? I have recently started my road to recovery (again) and this site has been very helpful. But there are times where a face to face talk would help. Maybe Skype or something? Maybe seeing your face and hearing your voice will help turn him around. I know you're having trouble reaching him, but it's just a thought. I wish you and him the best. I hope he can stop himself before it's too late.

Learn2Live

I am sorry you are hurting. I understand, believe me I do. Are you in any program for your own recovery? Have you thought about going to Al-Anon? You will find tremendous support there.

Let go and let God.

Threshold

His relapse was preventable in that he did NOT have to choose to drink again. That first drink is a choice, and in his case it was an informed choice.

It's not like cancer or a car accident that hit him out of the blue, he paid for the pleasure of diving head first into hell. Somehow that feels like a double tragedy.

Threshold

As is so often with alcoholics, he was very isolated. No one knew the seriousness of his drinking problem other than me and his parents, who live even further from him than I do.

He has isolated himself from me, not picking up phone calls, or returning emails. So I think skype is not even a remote possibility. He's on his own. That is what he's chosen.

He knows there are resources and support available. But now, it's up to him to avail himself of them. I am not even there to drive him to rehab if he decides to do that.

suki44883

I know it hurts. We have all been through it. Of course you are sad about it. Who wouldn't be? Go ahead and be sad, cry and punch the holy heck out of your pillows if that will help you get it out. The death of any relationship is sad and it is perfectly normal to feel sadness. But don't get stuck there.

As you say, he had choices and this is the choice he made. You couldn't do any more for him if you were sitting right beside him than you can do now. I'm sorry he chose to drink again, but that is what most addicts do. You'll be okay.

Threshold

Thanks so much. I am thinking of trying AlAnon. Being in recovery for my own addiction is truly helping me deal with this situation, because the same principles arise, but it would be good to have the support of other people who are dealing with this situation themselves. I will look into it.

youagain

I can relate. My boyfriend and I have been here and are still kinda here. Cept our situation was with pain meds. I've stopped...he's been on so much longer and has a hard time with that. He will die from this, no if, ends or buts. He takes them with Xanax and I could hear his breathing stop sometimes while sleeping. I moved to NY and left him in Fl for 8 months to get clean. Came back told him he had to get into a place for help or we couldn't live together again. Everyone says what you hear also, I'm better off without him. Stay away from him. I lie when I do hang out with him to other people that I haven't. But I love him...and love is so strong. I just don't know anymore. One thing is for sure...he has to get help because I can't watch him die. It's breaking my heart. So just vanishing for me and thinking he cleaned up and lives some awesome life some place (I know selfish) has passed my mind more then once. I can't be with him like this also because I'm in recovery and he will get me high before I get him sober! I just wanted to let you know I understand ur feelings...ur heart and ur head battle. I think they have to just want to stop...they have to hit bottom. Not what we think is bottom...but what they do. My bottom was so different then many. But it was MY bottom. Good Luck girly! And know he loves you, and you can love him even if you can't be with him anymore. You mean something to the world also!

Freedom1990

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question, dear. I just wanted to make sure I understood what "it" was.

I am reminded of my first "serious" relationship after getting clean/sober, and it was with another member in recovery. I was over 3 1/2 years clean/sober, and he was (supposedly) 2 years into recovery.

He relapsed, and due to a series of poor choices I had made during that relationship, my "I don't give a damn" switch flipped on and I went right down the tubes with him.

He ended up hooking up with another active alcoholic/addict and is still married to her to this day, over 20 years later. Both are still active in addictions. God almighty that was painful for so long, and I didn't have the luxury of him being far away. He was local. There were nights I'd cry and cry over that.

I was fortunate and very blessed to have only been "out there" for two months before I hit my bottom and started all over again in recovery. My heart was broken because as you said, he made that "conscious choice" to relapse again, and as you now know he never returned to recovery.

I had survivor's guilt over that for a long time, and also with my deceased EXAH.

It is like a double whammy, and I feel your pain.

My best suggestion is to dig that much harder into your own recovery, and allow yourself to grieve.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to make a firm commitment to stay out of relationships while I not only continued my sobriety journey, but dug just as hard into codependency recovery via Alanon, a lot of reading, and therapy.

I swear, I was a self-sabotage expert for years after I got clean/sober by refusing to look at my codependency, and kept engaging in relationships I had no business being in.

Sending you hugs of support on the warm Kansas winds today!

Threshold

youagain,

so true about bottoms. We each have our own. He and I both thought he'd hit his this spring, that he was done drinking.

Recently on these forums, someone asked how we come to a point where we know we will never drink/drug again. And I thought long about that before I responded.

For me, I had been clean for a few months before I truly knew I was DONE.

My daughter (20) made me a mixed CD, and put a song on it about alcoholism. She and I had never spoken about my addiction or recovery or relapses or any of it. We never spoke about the impact it had on our family and relationships.

But there was her message, that song. And that is when I knew, that I will not go back again. That there are more bottoms just out there waiting, and I don't need to hit them myself. I can say "enough".

here is the saddest part, my boyfriend was sober, and things were going well for us, and I had to leave, and he said he was too afraid to leave his job and apt, afraid to end up jobless, homeless etc.

Well, we know that if he keeps drinking, that is exactly how he is going to end up. So he gained nothing, but will lose it all anyway.