Al-anon questions
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Al-anon questions
So I am considering finding a meeting to go to soon but I am really nervous and don't know what to expect. I am super shy and uncomfortable around people I don't know so I'm not sure if it would work for me. What are they like? Will I have to talk? Also i think it was someone here that mentioned that I could take my daughter, is this true? I have no one to keep her so i really don't have a choice. Can you tell I'm a control freak? : )
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I too was uncomfortable and nervous. The first meeting I just sat and listened. You don't have to talk if you don't want. It took a few meetings before I opened up a bit. Even just listening helped me tremendously. The one I went to before was a small group. We sat at the conference table and just shared if we wished.
I don’t have any wisdom on bringing your daughter. I believe certain meetings indicate whether or not kids can come. There should be a phone number for your local meetings distribution office that may be able to help with this.
Oh and relax. Everyone in Al-Anon will understand how you feel; they have been in your shoes at one point in time too.
I don’t have any wisdom on bringing your daughter. I believe certain meetings indicate whether or not kids can come. There should be a phone number for your local meetings distribution office that may be able to help with this.
Oh and relax. Everyone in Al-Anon will understand how you feel; they have been in your shoes at one point in time too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My experience with meetings has been that you can have as much or as little interaction as you choose to -- at least at the meetings I've gone to.
I think most people there remember their first meeting vividly, how incredibly difficult it was to make the decision to walk through those doors the first time. I drove to meetings at least twice and turned around in the parking lot. For me, it was sort of like... if I did go a a meeting, it meant I had committed to the truth of my husband being an alcoholic and if I did that, it meant I had to do something about it, like leave him in the next 7 hours or so.
What I found was that it was a very relaxing atmosphere. There was an initial reading of materials that talk about how Al-Anon works and what it is, and then we went around the room introducing ourselves by first name only and either talking or passing. I don't think I said a word for the first few meetings. Maybe five. I cried a lot though. But I figured out very quickly that I was among people who got it. People who have lived through the same stuff I had lived through, felt what I had felt (the stuff I couldn't talk to anyone about), and done the stupid stuff I had done.
I know there are meetings in my town that have childcare; my home meeting doesn't, and I wouldn't recommend bringing her unless she's an infant. With the anonymity of the meetings, it might make other people feel uncomfortable having a child present -- you know, a kid who can point other people out in the grocery store and say "Mom! There's that lady whose husband beats her up when he's drunk!"
I think most people there remember their first meeting vividly, how incredibly difficult it was to make the decision to walk through those doors the first time. I drove to meetings at least twice and turned around in the parking lot. For me, it was sort of like... if I did go a a meeting, it meant I had committed to the truth of my husband being an alcoholic and if I did that, it meant I had to do something about it, like leave him in the next 7 hours or so.
What I found was that it was a very relaxing atmosphere. There was an initial reading of materials that talk about how Al-Anon works and what it is, and then we went around the room introducing ourselves by first name only and either talking or passing. I don't think I said a word for the first few meetings. Maybe five. I cried a lot though. But I figured out very quickly that I was among people who got it. People who have lived through the same stuff I had lived through, felt what I had felt (the stuff I couldn't talk to anyone about), and done the stupid stuff I had done.
I know there are meetings in my town that have childcare; my home meeting doesn't, and I wouldn't recommend bringing her unless she's an infant. With the anonymity of the meetings, it might make other people feel uncomfortable having a child present -- you know, a kid who can point other people out in the grocery store and say "Mom! There's that lady whose husband beats her up when he's drunk!"
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Hmmm that's a good point I hadn't thought about with kids. She is 2 so it's not like she could really do that yet but it makes sense. There is only one meeting in my town and it's all the way across town. I think I might call them later.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just went to my first meeting - not knowing what to expect. I'm so glad I did. Most of them have been in the program for years - and seem very happy. We all ended up there for the same reason, we all share the same feelings, we all are or were in a very lonely painful place, because of the same demon - that's a pretty powerful bond with a bunch of strangers.
You don't have to read, talk, or do anything. I walked right in like i owned the place lol. Joined in the readings, the prayers, hellos and thank yous, the hugs, and said as much as I felt comfortable saying around people I didn't know - but knew my struggle all too well. Good luck! I have some hope now - not ignorant hope, just hope - no matter what the future holds.
You don't have to read, talk, or do anything. I walked right in like i owned the place lol. Joined in the readings, the prayers, hellos and thank yous, the hugs, and said as much as I felt comfortable saying around people I didn't know - but knew my struggle all too well. Good luck! I have some hope now - not ignorant hope, just hope - no matter what the future holds.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I was very nervous about going to my first meeting. There was zero pressure to talk at all. The meeting format (at least here) includes passing a sheet around the circle and people read a line or a paragraph, but you do not have to, you can pass on it if you don't want to talk. People do that all the time. Many people just sit and listen.
As for kids, I've seen people bring younger children that are able to sit quietly and read or color during the meeting. Call the phone number for your local Alanon area and ask. Also check and see if there are any Alateen or Alatot meetings. My 11 year old son attends Alateen and there are a few kids younger than him in those meetings.
As for kids, I've seen people bring younger children that are able to sit quietly and read or color during the meeting. Call the phone number for your local Alanon area and ask. Also check and see if there are any Alateen or Alatot meetings. My 11 year old son attends Alateen and there are a few kids younger than him in those meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I remember when I walked into my first meeting people were milling about, talking & laughing. I was shocked! Laughing? I had NOTHING to laugh about! Guess that's why I was there. Everyone greeted me warmly & I listened. No way could I bring myself to say ANYTHING. I stayed after & talked to a very nice person & I got to tell my story, through lots of tears. but it was my choice to stay after & talk, no pressure.
I remember that the hardest part in going was it was then "real" & I couldn't deny it any longer. I didn't want this problem, I already had all the other problems, after all, the house would collapse, if I didn't tend to it & all the problems that I left there. I found out the house didn't collapse & that the problems were made easier each time I went back.
Something I felt after my first meeting was WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER! I guess I wasn't ready, but I'm am grateful I finally was "ready". I found that for me to walk through the door the first time I had to muster up all the strength & courage I had in me, but only long enough to drive to the meeting & walk through the door. Before that I had to take all my strength & courage to make it through the whole day! 20 minutes is a lot easier than 24 hours!
You can do it, one foot in front of the other will get you through the door, the rest, by comparison, gets easier.
OhBoy
I remember that the hardest part in going was it was then "real" & I couldn't deny it any longer. I didn't want this problem, I already had all the other problems, after all, the house would collapse, if I didn't tend to it & all the problems that I left there. I found out the house didn't collapse & that the problems were made easier each time I went back.
Something I felt after my first meeting was WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER! I guess I wasn't ready, but I'm am grateful I finally was "ready". I found that for me to walk through the door the first time I had to muster up all the strength & courage I had in me, but only long enough to drive to the meeting & walk through the door. Before that I had to take all my strength & courage to make it through the whole day! 20 minutes is a lot easier than 24 hours!
You can do it, one foot in front of the other will get you through the door, the rest, by comparison, gets easier.
OhBoy
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
What is nice about Al Anon is that you don't have to DO anything and you don't have to SAY anything. It's OK to be shy and sit quietly through the meeting.
Bring some kleenex, you may find yourself crying for no particular reason.
When they ask if it's anyone's first meeting (if I had it to do over again), I would say "it's my first meeting, but if it's OK with all of you, I would like to just sit and listen". Otherwise you might get put through an orientation of sorts which is great, but maybe not on the very first night. Just my 2 cents.
Listen to people talk, and when it's your turn, feel free to say "pass" -- or maybe you will want to share your story!
Everyone is really nice, a little wierd but nice, and you will get a hug at the end. And they always say "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" And they're right.
I've gone on and off for years, the more insane I am, the more I like to go . . .
Bring some kleenex, you may find yourself crying for no particular reason.
When they ask if it's anyone's first meeting (if I had it to do over again), I would say "it's my first meeting, but if it's OK with all of you, I would like to just sit and listen". Otherwise you might get put through an orientation of sorts which is great, but maybe not on the very first night. Just my 2 cents.
Listen to people talk, and when it's your turn, feel free to say "pass" -- or maybe you will want to share your story!
Everyone is really nice, a little wierd but nice, and you will get a hug at the end. And they always say "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" And they're right.
I've gone on and off for years, the more insane I am, the more I like to go . . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you go, your life will get better...
...that's my experience in a nutshell. Having said that, here's a way to handle being shy around people you don't know: get to know them.
More specifically, go the meeting, with your daughter, and just listen if that's all you want to do. In fact, you don't have to share, you don't have to contribute money to the basket, you don't' have to sign in, you don't have to hold hands at the end, and you don't have to say the serenity prayer.
You don't have to do any of it. It's all optional. If all you want to do is show up and listen, you can do that. I know a woman who did that for over a year. She came in on the hour, and left right before the end. Then, one day, she shared-- and I'll tell you what, she had the absolute full attention of everybody in that room. You're typically not interrupted anyway, but she had the kind of attention president's and stars get. It was awesome.
As for your daughter, like anybody else she is welcome unless she is disruptive. People do it all the time. It's the same for adults.
Give it a try! You have absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
More specifically, go the meeting, with your daughter, and just listen if that's all you want to do. In fact, you don't have to share, you don't have to contribute money to the basket, you don't' have to sign in, you don't have to hold hands at the end, and you don't have to say the serenity prayer.
You don't have to do any of it. It's all optional. If all you want to do is show up and listen, you can do that. I know a woman who did that for over a year. She came in on the hour, and left right before the end. Then, one day, she shared-- and I'll tell you what, she had the absolute full attention of everybody in that room. You're typically not interrupted anyway, but she had the kind of attention president's and stars get. It was awesome.
As for your daughter, like anybody else she is welcome unless she is disruptive. People do it all the time. It's the same for adults.
Give it a try! You have absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
I was very nervous about attending. The one I go to is very small, about 6-8 people, (I've never tried any others) and not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but I went and it is true that you can just say "pass" if you don't want to talk. I did talk though, because the way I saw it, I was there for a reason, and I intended to get a little bit of my reason 'out there', so maybe I could get something from the meeting.
They advised to go at least 6 times before deciding if it was of help, so I committed to that in my own head, and I believe I've been to at least 6 now. I have put some stuff out there a little at a time, and I do get something from hearing about others' stories, especially the ones which relate closely to mine, such as other women with their AH. But I have also gleaned wisdom just from some of the things others say in general, because it makes me realize, that we're all human and we're all just trying to deal with the same problem, and that in itself is 'comforting' in a way. That there ARE others, not just all over the world, but right there next to me, that are going through the same things.
In ending, I am starting to feel a little bit more comfortable with my group because they are becoming more familiar now! I'm starting to loosen up, a bit, and I'm sure that will continue. I advise to at least go to one meeting, and if you can, try to go to several before making up your mind for sure.
They advised to go at least 6 times before deciding if it was of help, so I committed to that in my own head, and I believe I've been to at least 6 now. I have put some stuff out there a little at a time, and I do get something from hearing about others' stories, especially the ones which relate closely to mine, such as other women with their AH. But I have also gleaned wisdom just from some of the things others say in general, because it makes me realize, that we're all human and we're all just trying to deal with the same problem, and that in itself is 'comforting' in a way. That there ARE others, not just all over the world, but right there next to me, that are going through the same things.
In ending, I am starting to feel a little bit more comfortable with my group because they are becoming more familiar now! I'm starting to loosen up, a bit, and I'm sure that will continue. I advise to at least go to one meeting, and if you can, try to go to several before making up your mind for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
My first meeting, I got there a few minutes early, before anyone else. I turned around and walked out. Expecting to just go home.
But when I got back to the parking lot, a few cars pulled up. Each one of the cars belonged to elderly women. I'm a 34 year old male. But they asked me if I was there for alanon, and I said I was.
I went back to the meeting room with them and the meeting started. I had no plans on talking, as I had read that it wasn't necessary. But I did end up sharing a lot more that I thought I would. It was amazing to me that I could share something so deep inside me with those women. But I related to their storys and I'm sure they did the same to mine.
Sadly I have only been to one other meetings. Most of them are in the evening when I am working. But I really do want to go back.
But when I got back to the parking lot, a few cars pulled up. Each one of the cars belonged to elderly women. I'm a 34 year old male. But they asked me if I was there for alanon, and I said I was.
I went back to the meeting room with them and the meeting started. I had no plans on talking, as I had read that it wasn't necessary. But I did end up sharing a lot more that I thought I would. It was amazing to me that I could share something so deep inside me with those women. But I related to their storys and I'm sure they did the same to mine.
Sadly I have only been to one other meetings. Most of them are in the evening when I am working. But I really do want to go back.
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