lillamy

It is frustrating. Here's an old post that helped me let go of my fury and actually approach something that resembles compassion:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...onder-why.html

Learn2Live

This is EXACTLY how AXBF is. Living with him was a nightmare.

He KNOWS he is guilt-tripping and manipulating you. The point is not that he believes them as truth; it's that he knows exactly what he is doing. It's the way he relates to other people.

Doubtful. People like this use other people, don't care how other people feel, do and take what they want and move on.

Right. And I bet you are ULTRA responsible, aren't you? They seek us out because they know we will be the responsible one and take care of everything for us. They're not dependent on us, they USE us. There is no justice and there is no fun or reward in being used by someone to take care of them so they can continue being effed up.

Learn2Live

P.S. Thank you so much for posting on SR. Your words are truly helping me today.

FireSprite

One of the best lines I've ever read on SR was something to the effect of "I wouldn't leave you because you had cancer, but I would leave if you kept going out & buying more cancer".

I used to think of addicts the same as those suffering from other ailments & diseases but this totally changed my perspective.

Randy - I can practically feel the frustration in your posts & that's something most of us are too familiar with. I wish I could give you some clear-cut logical answer but I've learned enough to know there's nothing logical about this circular back-n-forth dance of addiction & codependency. Trying to 'figure it out' is literally like trying to make sense out of madness.

OhBoy

Alcoholics can't maintain control, that's what makes them alcoholics. They can "tone it down" for a while but can't actually control it. When they're out of control, it is hard for them to have any sense of good judgement. Probably closer to impossible.

When they are actively drinking, they all think they can manage it. They want so desperately to believe that they can, that no matter how out of control they are, they think they are in control.

It is damn near impossible to "support" someone who is an active alcoholic. He TAKES from you what he needs. Of course he promises not to drink, he probably really doesn't want to, but he HAS to. Can it work? Sure it can "work" as long as you accept that this will continue exactly as it has been. If you accept that "something bad" will always happen & thats OK with you, it will "work". If you can accept the chaos, the never ending worry & heartbreak & manage to be happy, then yes, it will "work". If you want to be second fiddle to a disease & don't need any more than that, it will "work". It is your choice whether this is good enough for you or you want more out of a relationship.

OhBoy

[QUOTE] Ohhhhh...... I love this one SOOOOO much!

Florence

One of the more painful things I've discovered about myself is that I kept going back because part of me really liked the excitement of drama, break ups, make ups, promises, and shared fantasies. Sometimes the excitement was fun, sometimes the excitement was anxiety. Regardless, I got off on the excitement.

No mas.

ZiggyB

[QUOTE=Randy32;355

will there ever be a time when he wakes up and looks himself in the mirror and sees himself for that sad insecure little boy that he is and realizes all the crap he pulled was the reason he lost this relationship? I guess it just feels a bit like ive run a marathon..all this emotional output and no reward!..where is the justice in that..he still has no clue and will take ZERO responsibility for his beavior.

what a mind trip.[/QUOTE]

I would have to say no. My axbf was an expert at blaming everyone else for his problems, for example his ex wife was an "evil witch" for divorcing him. He was great at portraying himself as a victim. I understand your sense of bewilderment and anger and ultimately there is no reward for you aside from not having to put up with this stupid crap. I went through 3 years of letting myself be manipulated and I just wish I had ended things ages ago..... what can you do? Just accept him as fundamentally flawed and move on.

SoaringSpirits

Hang in there Randy.
You are very smart to be putting this guy in your past.
There's nothing there for you except heartache and a dark trip down the rabbit hole.

Randy32

YOu are all awesome for taking the time to write!...The support from this site has reinforced so much of what i was already feeling and boosted my confidence bigtime. I am at peace putting this person behind me and moving forward and focusing on someone who is able to offer me a bit more stability and security. I anticipate a few down days, as it is not always easy to JUST go cold turkey..there was some good there..but thankfully there was enough BS for me to run the like the wind in the opposite direction of this soul sucker and not look back!! time to focus on me and the honest real, mature, uplifting love that Im hoping for.

Thanks everyone.