WaterWings

I'm not sure this is the correct forum, but I'll give it a shot.

I started dating my fabulous new boyfriend 8 months ago. He told me he didn't drink, and I was fine with that. Eventually he told me his dad basically died from alcoholism. It sounded as if that was his motivation, and I was fine with that. Eventually he told me that he really really used to drink a lot, and that was why he stopped, and I was fine with that. Then he told me he went to AA meetings, and I was fine with that. You're seeing how this is going, I only find out things bit by bit, and I'm fine with that, but an argument yesterday made me realize that his unwillingness to reveal things to me is leading to me making his sobriety more difficult for him.

A few days ago he went to stay with some friends in another city. It turns out that he has a really hard time with me having alcohol in the house (he had previously told me it was no big deal), and alcohol had destroyed his previous life, and he left to go stay with friends who were in the program because he needed a lot of support right then.

So I guess my question is, how am I supposed to know when I'm doing something that is making his sobriety difficult, if he isn't at a stage where he's ready to discuss it with me? Can you guys please please give me some insights.

I suppose not having alcohol in the house should have been obvious, but he always talked about it as if it were no big deal.

If we go to parties together, should I not drink? Should I tell people he's my designated driver? Should I not say anything at all?

Should I not have a glass of wine at home when he's staying over?

Should I never bring up the subject of drinking unless he does?

I just have no idea what the best things to do are.

Just for background info, he drank for probably 30 years, and has been sober for about 5. I occasionally have wine, or a drink out with the girls, but I've never been that into alcohol.

thanks in advance for any help.

PaperDolls

Welcome to SR!

It sounds like if he were open and honest and up front with you it would sure make things much easier. That seems to be the problem here. His inability to be straight up with you.

He is responsible for his sobriety, not you. I think you know that.

I suggest trying to have a frank discussion with him about what makes him uncomfortable as far as you having alcohol in front of him etc. He has to be honest though. You said he previously told you that you having alcohol in your house was no big deal. Now it is.

It would be a little worrisome for me if I started dating someone who didn't tell me the whole truth about who they were.

Learn2Live

I would get a BF who is not an alcoholic.

WaterWings

I agree with this statement, and if I felt deceived I wouldn't be doing this. To me it feels more like he isn't quite sure how/when to bring things up. If I had gone through some difficult struggles, and I wasn't sure how a dating partner would react, I would be hesitant to bring up everything all at once as well.

I plan to have a long talk when he gets back, and see how we can go about improving communication but yes, if you can't share with your partner, then you really have nothing. I will not lose sight of this.

Now this is an interesting statement. Since I didn't know him before, to me he's not an alcoholic - he's just a guy that doesn't drink. It seems unfair of me to judge him on a past that I never saw, and he discarded.

Fathom

LOL, this is a bit of a flippant comment, but it does effectively get to the heart of the matter. Please understand, we are sharing our perspectives based on our experiences with alcoholics at many stages. It is, unfortunately, irrelevant that you don't want to label your BF as an alcoholic. He is, by his own admission. He is not currently active in his addiction but he is also not acting like he is very far along in his recovery either if he is setting you up as a scapegoat for pulling him off the wagon. This is pretty sketchy behavior. I would suggest you read a bunch of the "sticky" posts at the top of main page of each of the forums. There's a lot of good insight and discussion about what recovery looks like, and what it doesn't.

Take care,
Fathom

owathu

THIS. If you're getting little "drips" of things, something is not right. So, what's the next "drip"...Wow, GF, you having a glass of wine at happy hour is inhibiting my recovery...see where this could lead? It sounds to me personally like you are being set up for being the blame when he drinks again.

Knowing what I now know about Alcoholism, I would not date a recovering alcoholic until he's been sober, for literally, YEARS.

Tuffgirl

Having just had this in my life, I totally second this statement. Learning bit by bit was so completely unfair to me, as I made decisions based on what I knew at the time, not the whole picture. So my decisions were made from a place of not having all the information. So frustrating.

I know you said he is fabulous, but this would definitely give me a reason to pause.

5 years sober is great. But you are entering into a lifestyle. Are you ready for that? It's a big commitment, with no guarantees.

WaterWings

Well, life has no guarantees.

I've been reading through some posts, and a lot of people here have been through some amazing experiences. I have not had these experiences and so I really can't see it from your perspectives.

I didn't mean to make it sound as if he was setting me up to be responsible for his choices, he really isn't. He has never said he has any interest in ever taking another drink, but he doesn't want to be around it either. I get that.

I also didn't mean to make it sound as if I was denying anything that he is, I just have absolutely no experience with someone who had issues with a substance, and is actively keeping that substance out of their life.

We'll do the talk thing. I'll let him know that it's important to me that he tell me about what he went through, and how he sees his life now.

hmm. A lifestyle. Can you tell me exactly what that means?

Tuffgirl

Sobriety - its a lifestyle. That's why he went to his AA support system when he got overwhelmed. There's meetings, gatherings, activities all based around AA. There's sponsorship (the service part of AA and Al-Anon) and home groups responsibilities. People don't stop being addicts. They stop being active users.

For example, I smoke. Have quit many times. But I have yet to master staying quit. When I am abstaining, I can't be around people who smoke. It's too tempting and that little dinosaur brain of mine says "comon, T, just one won't hurt" and BOOM I am off the no-smoking wagon. I can't smoke just one cigarette. I am addicted to nicotine. I will always be a smoker, even if I quit for good. And on order to successfully quit, I need to change my lifestyle to that of a non smoker.

Hope that explains what I meant by lifestyle.

WaterWings

Yes, but I see this as his lifestyle, not mine. I have no problem making changes when we're together, but I don't plan on going to meetings with him, and I don't expect to change what I do when he's not around.

He's also an ex smoker. If he started smoking again, that would be a deal breaker for me. It's possible that him drinking again would also be a deal breaker, but I couldn't say for sure without experiencing it.

Tell me if this sounds insanely naive....

Tuffgirl

Not insanely naive - just wishful thinking. Everyone has their faults. I just listed mine.

If you plan to have a life (marriage, etc) with this man, this is a lifestyle you will have to accept and incorporate into yours. He could relapse - we see it all the time here. He could continue to remain sober and active in AA. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. We just don't know since none of us can tell the future.

Just know what you are getting yourself into. Learn about what it means to be an alcoholic. What living sober means. I recommend you go to an open AA meeting. Doesn't have to be his or with him. But go and listen to other recovering alcoholics. It's very enlightening!

P.S. Our faults don't make us bad people - just people with faults.

AlcoholicLove

I often read "More will be revealed.." on here.
Count on it.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic-they are never "cured", they may be in recovery for years, and still relapse.

Think long and hard about this relationship.
Seriously.

owathu

It's enough of a problem that you've searched out a site that is pointed to specifically people who are either alcoholics or leaving an alcoholic, or trying to make it work with an alcoholic...what do YOU think is going on then? Something in you said. Hmmm...red flag, think I will go and figure out how to fix him.

It's your journey. If you decide to board the plane, welcome to co-dependency.

WaterWings

Harsh! Dude! I'm not fixing anyone. I am way too old and b!tchy to waste my time on someone who "needs" me.

What I am is willing to learn and understand so I don't contribute to making someone's life more difficult. If a new bf told me he was a diabetic, I would do the same thing - research and try to understand from his perspective.

I didn't think "hey, red flag", I thought "I think there's more to this than I realize". While I realize that the experiences of the majority of people on this site have been different, I don't think that every person who has/had a problem with alcohol is a manipulative skunk who's only desire is to find an excuse to drink. Why can't it be the case that a person realized they ****ed up their life, and started over?

I refuse to judge this person on what his life used to be - especially since it would just be my assumption of what his life used to be. I know who he is now, and I like who he is now, and I'm happy that keeping himself this way is important to him. If he decides to not be this person, then I won't stay with him. Life is way too short to choose to be unhappy.

I guess maybe I should have posted in a section that is set up for recovered alcoholics, since that's the perspective I'm interested in.

Fathom

Hugs, WaterWings.

It would be good to also get the perspectives of recovered alcoholics. I know there is a thread on here (somewhere!), I think in the alcoholics forum, that addresses your original question about whether you should change your drinking habits to suit his desires. A lot of us do not drink much anymore, or we don't drink around our A. But, I do remember being surprised reading that thread because there was a strong sentiment that you should not change your drinking behavior <-- this came from the most recovered of the alcoholics in the "room." They said, if one is truly committed to being sober, then absolutely no excuse will get them to drink. If they are not committed to being sober, then they will come up with any excuse. Your behavior has no real influence, and if you change because of him, you are not treating him like an adult who is capable of making his own choices. Ok, I'm paraphrasing... and, maybe not very clearly right now. It would be good to find that thread, I think.

Anyway, keep reading around here, and in the alcoholics forum as well, to get their perspectives. Remember that, sometimes we may state things strongly (or harshly), but you are welcome to ignore those statements that don't seem helpful to you.

Take care,
Fathom

djayr

Lifestyle means that whatever you do everywhere you go, dinner, wedding, funeral, family gathering, ball game, picnic, cruise, vacation, beach, party, etc -- you will be thinking about alcohol. Whether you can drink it, should drink it, and most of all, the fact that he cannot (and should not, if he is an alcoholic).

It's like being with a diabetic or someone with a food allergy, they have to protect themselves, it is very important, and therefore YOU are enlisted along side.

The problem I have found, is that alcohol is everywhere, and unfortunately my AW fell off the wagon every single time over 17 years on and off.

So recovery is a big deal. If he is going to meetings and getting himself in a safe place and avoiding alcohol etc, good for him, he is fighting the good fight. Probably one day at a time. Lifestyle means that this will be an every day, everywhere, all the time thing for you, as long as you are with him.

That might be what someone meant when they said, find a bf who is not an A, perhaps they were thinking it would be a simpler and less cumbersome way to live.

WaterWings

This makes total sense to me. I actually HAVE food allergies, and yes, going out revolves around where I can eat safely (actually it revolves around not going out, because it's easier). I can't drink at most of those types of events anyway, because I don't know what's in the drinks, so I'm used to thinking about alcohol, just in a slightly different way. I see it as potential poison, although that analogy might be one he uses as well. I imagine one reason that we never really talked about his drinking, or lack there of, is because it's not really something I do.

I recently bought two bottles of vodka to try making fruit liqueurs for Christmas presents and this is the first time I've had anything stronger than wine in the house. I'm guessing this is why he wanted to reconnect with his program buddies, and do it somewhere away from my house. Since I had no intentions of drinking that nasty cheap vodka, it didn't occur to me that someone else might be reminded of nasty cheap drinks. I saw it as an ingredient - no different from the bag of sugar I bought to make jam.

This is perfect, thank you. It gives me a way to relate to him that I can somewhat understand. I won't buy anything with wheat or soy, and I don't want it in my house. I'm not tempted to eat it, but I also don't want to be anywhere near it. Sometimes you just need to find the perspective that resonates with you.

PaperDolls

I understand being hesitant about telling someone I want to date about my past. I've done it. I'm also an alcoholic.

After I got sober, I decided I wanted to date. I knew that if I wasn't at a place where I could be 100% honest about who I am than I was not ready to date. Period. It wasn't easy to be honest but to be honest, it's much easier than lying in the long run. I learned that the hard way.

It's not ok for me to not tell the entire truth because it makes me uncomfortable. For me, that's old behavior. I don't want to date anyone who is willing to do it to me so I won't do it to them.

So, I'm sorry, that's not a valid excuse for me.

I do understand, what's done is done. It seems to me, the ball is in your court.

FireSprite

I get what you're saying here (& it makes total sense) but *I* find it odd that someone with 5 YEARS of sobriety would be so evasive about his sobriety & reasons for it. Especially 8 months into a relationship. I realize it could be a one-off specific to this individual but it screams Red Flag to me. (especially with the drip-drip-drip of information) I would guess that he isn't working an active program or maybe stopped drinking without really working it. Am I really off base here?

Otherwise I also totally agree that my abstaining shouldn't threaten my AH's success in sobriety. He has told me that he has 1000 opportunities in any given day to get alcohol almost anywhere so having it kept in our home is no more of a challenge than driving down the street... and that if the day comes when his sobriety depends on me he's got big problems & is just looking for a scapegoat. That said, I am respectful about when/how much I drink when we're together but that's more for my comfort than his.

PaperDolls

I don't think you're off base. It's a red flag for sure. Trying to come up with anything more than that, like saying "he's not working a program" or "he's probably not sober", is just grasping at straws. In reality, none of us know why except for him and that's not the point.

For me, the point is that he wasn't/isn't being 100% straight forward. The why is really irrelevant.

Stick with the facts.