mv6348

I've written here before.
Long story short, I haven't spoken to my ex boyfriend in 24 days. He is an alcoholic.
I am anxious all the time. I think about him all the time.

I think he is angry at me because I told his mom the truth and she confronted him. Of course, he is attacking the attacker because he got "caught". I know he will eventually come to his senses. He always does that, but still he is an alcoholic and he will continue to be in that cycle of relapses.

Anyways, at this specific moment I know I did the right thing. I know that I need to detach myself emotionally, but I can't help worrying and thinking about him. After being together for three year and talking every day, this getting back on track scenario is extremely difficult.

I care about him as a human being, but I know I relationship was not going anywhere because he needs to work on his issues. I am learning again to get back on track with me. I love me and because I do, I needed to step away.
It was extremely difficult and right now I am experiencing weaknesses and I want to contact him. Even when I know is not the right thing.

I did email him (not wanting a response) a very short and sweet email stating that I loved and cared about him but that if he wanted to be in my life he needed to be healthy and sober. I guess having him in my life was giving me plenty reasons to constantly just worry. Now that I am not together anymore and haven't talked to him, I still worry.

Are these feelings normal?
I know it is my journey too, but all the emotions that I am experiencing are not bringing me peace. I don't sleep, I am worried, I'm anxious, I'm just plain scared of these changes that even though I am very aware they are for the better, I am just having a very hard time accepting it.

Can I hear some other points of views???

Katiekate

Hey there, welcome.

I don't think there is one of us here who don't go through this when we go no contact.

It's like withdrawal, our alcoholics are like a drug to us, we worry and agonize because we have been in a state of chaos for so long, we question ourselves , fantasize that it can be better. In my experience, going no contact then having contact is an awful cycle.

Your exabf has choosen to drink, he has choosen it over a relationship with you. He has drawn the line.

Are you in counseling, going to al anon?? YOu need support, it is not simple to break this cycle of madness but it is doable.

Get educated about alcoholism and try to begin to live your life again.

LifeRecovery

I spent a good six months worried after my husband and I split. It was hard to turn that emotion off.

Al-Anon and counseling helped. I learned in there that for me worry was a sign that I was trying to control something that really was not mine to control. In a sense by being split up, I was kind of "fired" from the job of worrying.

For me I was in the grief cycle. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. The denial and bargaining stages for me were part of the worrying, anger helped to clear it and helped me to focus back on me. I went through the stages once, minus acceptance, and am cycling around again, but this time minus the bandaid of denial.

I am learning to take care of me.

Sungrl

I am so with you on this. I am a basketcase. I don't know what to do with myself. I wouldn't even say I "worry" about AB. It's the curiosity as to what he doing. I am not even sure why I have that. He lives in a sleaze bag motel one block away from his favorite bar. He has no car so I know he is either home or at the tavern. His opions are limited to that. He has no real friends or family. He has other alcoholic homeless drinking buddies.It's pathetic. Hardly any women go to this bar and the ones that do don't have any teeth. My point being I'm not even concerned with being jealous about that. I just don't get my morbid need to know what the hell is going on with him. He has no job, blows his unemployment at the bar. I mean give me a break. Why do I miss that. I have everything going for me. Seriously?? I know it will get better, but I for the life of me can't understand why I give a flying f*** anymore. NC going on for 4 days.

itsmylifenow

Yes, the curiosity factor as to what the ex is up to is an interesting one.

I know I can be prone to "stalking". Drive-by's, looking for him where he hangs out, etc. I feel it's an obsession and a focus on him that is unwarranted and truly unproductive.

When I focus on him, I don't focus on me and my life. I don't address my issues, my needs, nothing of mine at all. The focus is still on him and what he's doing.

What do I get out of finding him? What do I feel when I know he's home or at the bar? What good is it really doing me to see what he's up to?

Am I looking to see if he's moved on? Most likely. Is he happy and already pursuing another woman while I'm miserable trying to get my life together?

Okay, so what?

He's an ALCOHOLIC. Someone who is unable to provide me the love and care that I need and deserve. If he's out finding some other enabler then that takes the burden off of me. And, I should be happy I can move on and find someone who will treat me right.

But, somehow although I know this, my mind tends to be obsessive anyways and plays tricks on me. Makes me think I NEED him. I NEED to find him, be with him, can't be without his "love".

It's all B.S.

It's the co-dependency talking. It's what's ruling my world.

Focus on you and not on him, and I'll bet some of the anxiety you feel lessens just a bit. YOU are what's most important. No matter how much you care about him.

((Hugs))

ZiggyB

Honestly I do worry about my axbf sometimes but mostly I'm glad he isn't my problem anymore. I assume he is in some stinking bar getting drunk and not thinking about me at all, unless it's to tell his drinking buddies about what a bit*h I was for not wanting him to be drunk all the time. *sigh*

peaches08

I've read most of Codependent No More and have not read Beyond Codependency...what are you doing to "focus" on you? I guess I'm lost as to what this really means. Am I the queen of codependency?

itsmylifenow

Peaches,

I think I've read every co-dependency book out there as well as now joining a Coda group.

For me, co-dependency is a lack of boundaries. An inability to control my emotions and reactions. A need for a "fix" of my xabf because there is some part of me that needs all the chaos and drama he surrounds himself with.

I can't begin to tell you how many other relationships I've been like this with and obsessed over them and what they were doing.

Now that I'm aware of this problem I realize that I need to focus on me. That means whenever a feeling comes to me that I "need" to look for him on the internet, or want to spend time looking up his xgf (who may be his gf now) and whatever, I have to literally b****slap myself into it not mattering. So, instead I stop the thought process and focus on me. Hello! (I say to myself) I have a life too!! In fact, when he's not around I have a great life. I can do what I want, and hang with my friends and be freaking free to live my life as I want to. Not what someone else dictates my life to be.

I have kids I need to focus on. I have a business to work on, a job I'd like to get and my health could use a little bit of work. All things that I lose focus on whenever I'm around him, with him, or even after breaking up because my focus remains on him.

I'm angry at myself right now for staying for so long and letting him control me to the point I could no longer function or take care of things I needed to do for myself. He sucked every bit of life out of me and left me so turned around I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Sorry if I went off on a tangent...l hope it made sense

peaches08

Thanks itsmylifenow! I'm focusing on running again (couch 2 5K) and walking a lot inbetween. Nursing school is difficult all on it's own, but the thoughts of him have been pretty consuming and making it more difficult. I'm trying hard to focus, but the wounds are still pretty fresh so it's hard.

akalacha

I'm right with y'all. My A left on Monday and I've been consumed with anxiety, worrying about him, missing him, etc. The good thing is that we are now living in different countries so I'm not about to run into him by accident or be tempted to go to see him. But he is in my thoughts almost all the time. I actually went maybe an hour this morning without thinking about him. I'm pretty sure this is normal and it hurts like a *****, but I'm also pretty sure that it will get better in time. Hang in there, you'll be OK.

peaches08

My AXBF lives less than 2 miles from me.

I read some of your threads akalacha. Mine went 5 days without drinking over a week ago, and he thinks that means great progress. We know why it isn't, not when they do that then go to the bottle harder than before! OMG the "metered drinking"...dude, you're still drinking every single night. That's NOT sobriety. OMG do I know...I really thought I was the only one who was dealing with such nonsense. Then again, I've never been with an alcoholic before.

The animals thread...wow that brought tears to my eyes. Long story why, I will explain that soon.

Hopeworks

Another thing we codies have to tell ourselves that are emotions, anxiety, longing for the poisonous ones we are addicted to is rooted in brain chemicals and hormones designed to keep us together with our mates.

It is biological not LOVE that ties us to the A's.

Time is the only healer along with LOGIC and a strong recovery plan... just stay on the path, do not relapse and contact the useless one and keep your focus on yourself!

mv6348

I am. I do know what I need to do. I am just having a very hard time accepting it and dealing with all sorts of emotions. I have good days and bad days.

Thanks for the support!

mv6348

IT IS a grief cycle and I think is just like any other break up, the thing is because it was with an alcoholic and codependency was involved is harder.


One day at a time!

mv6348

Yeah. In my case he is a functional alcoholic so he has a great job, he is a great man, we rarely fought , and it was more of alcohol being his escape. However he is in alcoholic and I just have to accept it. Ugh!

mv6348

This codependency thing is new to me. The more I learn about it, the more I realize I am a codependent person overall....not only with him. I think your approach is great. I do need to do that. I have focus on myself and as days pass by it seems to get a little bit easier. Is just I get very weak and sad when I have my hard days.

mv6348

One day at a time for sure!!!

mv6348

Thank you everybody!

This has been a process of self-discovery. I am definitely stronger, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I know he is an alcoholic and needs to deal with his own issues, but that doesn't mean that I stop caring for him as a human. I just need to refocus the energy to me.

He is a great loving man an he is very functional. However, he keeps things inside and drinks to avoid dealing with his own personal problems. I did a lot for him and he has improved in a lot of ways, but now it is his turn to fly if he wants to. I can't do more. That is where I am learning to just let it be.

I have been to Al non but to didn't feel comfortable. I am going to counseling, which I think is helping more. This forum helps too.

I think we all have our own situations that are based on having doubts and respects for ourselves. That is where I stand, and I will refocus myself to do different things in order to get different results.

This week was rough. When I have good days I rarely think of him and keep myself busy. When I have my bad days, I am just weak. I am very passionate about life and as happy I could be, when I get sad I get equally passionate so it hits me hard. I am learning to accept that it is ok. After all, I am human.

Threshold

I am going through this situation right now. My boyfriend had gotten sober, but has gone on a serious binge. After a week of silence he emailed me last night to let me know.

I am a recovering addict, so I know this game from both sides. My own recovery is helping me "deal" with this...but that does not make it easier or any less painful. But what I know now is that I have to sit with my emotions over this, just like I have to sit with my emotions over anything else.

I have to accept this, and get on with my life, not trying to change or alter anyone's choices but my own.

You all know how hard it is for me, this morning to not fire off some sort of reply..be it angry and blaming, or soothing and understanding, etc.

He lives very very far away, so the temptation to drive by or visit his haunts is going to go nowhere.

It is so frustrating to know that recovery IS possible, and having done it myself I am not talking out my butt or unaware of the challenges and difficulties. I know that he is an alcoholic, but I also know that he had to choose to buy the beer and open the beer, and drink the beer, knowing full well what it meant. He was way past the point of denial and thinking he could have one more or moderate.

To think he chose that.

I have to choose my own recovery. That means not using this as a reason to pick up or drink. Not trying to save him thinking this time surely it will be different. No scolding or guilting him. Not saying that it would have been different if I had not moved away, none of that.

but oh, I feel so despondent. What a waste.

dandylion

mv6348, I so clearly remember the break-up with someone that I was very much in love with. To say that I was crushed is an understatement. The grief would come in waves and I would feel physically ill. Still, I had a very responsible job and had to "pull myself together" to function at work, as I was the support of my three children. I knew that I couldn't afford to let the grief totally consume me. I had played the album "PURPLE RAIN". by Prince, while crying in my room, that the kids took the tape and hid it behind the couch!

The thing that helped me the most when the "Waves" of longing came was this: I made a list of the most hurtful interactions that had happened in the relationship and put them on a 3 X 5 card that I carried on my person at all times. Reading the list would completely change my mental state---usually within 30 seconds. I honestly feel that that list saved my life. The irony? Now, so many, many years later, I cannot really recall what I thought was so great about him! But, then, I have grown soo much since then and I am much more self aware.

You might want to give it a try---nothing to lose, right?

Time is your friend. It will get easier. Time and focusing on yourself.

dandylion