Too Early to Tell
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Too Early to Tell
In my first post I mention how I am looking into options for leaving my AH for my child's safety and future. I'm still looking, but my AH actually came to me and said he thinks he has a problem and needs help. Color me shocked.
He made an appt for tomorrow with his doctor. I don't know what kind of doctor she is, I think a psychiatrist. Our marriage therapist recommended her to prescribe his sleep meds. Apparently she counsels, but he wants to talk to her about anxiety, depression and drinking.
We talked about it a bit last night. I asked him if the doctor knew he drank with his sleep meds. He said she did and wasn't happy. I asked one thing of his appointment, for him to be honest with her. Tell her it's 1-2 bottles of wine per night (He has cut back lately, but I'm not naive enough to think its long-term). I'm cautiously hopeful, but being realistic.
In a strange twist, I learned yesterday that one of our neighbors left her AH last week. He called my AH for support, the husband wasn't expecting it. In talking about it with my AH, He expected me to rally against the wife. I was able to use their situation to calmly explain why I actually agreed with what she did. We were able to have an honest conversation about my beliefs and how I believe an A parent is incapable of providing proper care for a child while drunk. Quite surreal.
He made an appt for tomorrow with his doctor. I don't know what kind of doctor she is, I think a psychiatrist. Our marriage therapist recommended her to prescribe his sleep meds. Apparently she counsels, but he wants to talk to her about anxiety, depression and drinking.
We talked about it a bit last night. I asked him if the doctor knew he drank with his sleep meds. He said she did and wasn't happy. I asked one thing of his appointment, for him to be honest with her. Tell her it's 1-2 bottles of wine per night (He has cut back lately, but I'm not naive enough to think its long-term). I'm cautiously hopeful, but being realistic.
In a strange twist, I learned yesterday that one of our neighbors left her AH last week. He called my AH for support, the husband wasn't expecting it. In talking about it with my AH, He expected me to rally against the wife. I was able to use their situation to calmly explain why I actually agreed with what she did. We were able to have an honest conversation about my beliefs and how I believe an A parent is incapable of providing proper care for a child while drunk. Quite surreal.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi ObstructedView,
Yes, ironic. I have also had those talks about other couples that were really about us with my AH. I remember being mystified at how my AH could vehemently defend my artist sister's value in her marriage as being far more complex than merely financial... But, then he would make snide and demeaning comments about my financial contributions to our marriage (my student salary was only half of his late-career salary) and devalue any other work I would do on a routine basis (all the shopping, cooking, washing dishes, laundry, etc, in addition to working more than full time). I finally discovered that those conversations were too subtle for him to really get the point. I'm not saying my AH was dumb. He is really not at all, but his mind strongly shut out anything that would contradict the idea that he was a perfect, hard-working, and fully-functional husband who was just under a lot of stress. Certainly, things would be a lot better if I would just step up to the plate a bit more.
Sorry to ramble a bit, but I would not be surprised if your AH thought you were having a very different kind of conversation last night than you did. Talking about other's problems is always less threatening than talking about your own... That is, until it becomes quite obvious that you are talking about your own.
Peace,
Fathom
Yes, ironic. I have also had those talks about other couples that were really about us with my AH. I remember being mystified at how my AH could vehemently defend my artist sister's value in her marriage as being far more complex than merely financial... But, then he would make snide and demeaning comments about my financial contributions to our marriage (my student salary was only half of his late-career salary) and devalue any other work I would do on a routine basis (all the shopping, cooking, washing dishes, laundry, etc, in addition to working more than full time). I finally discovered that those conversations were too subtle for him to really get the point. I'm not saying my AH was dumb. He is really not at all, but his mind strongly shut out anything that would contradict the idea that he was a perfect, hard-working, and fully-functional husband who was just under a lot of stress. Certainly, things would be a lot better if I would just step up to the plate a bit more.
Sorry to ramble a bit, but I would not be surprised if your AH thought you were having a very different kind of conversation last night than you did. Talking about other's problems is always less threatening than talking about your own... That is, until it becomes quite obvious that you are talking about your own.
Peace,
Fathom
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Funny how as soon as you start looking for options for leaving, he all of a sudden tells you he is going for help. I also notice he isn't following doctor's orders now, so how serious can he actually be about wanting this dr's help?? If he has that much concern and commitment to himself, all he has to do is just stop drinking. I wouldn't fall for it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Very valid points, which is why I am not fully buying the change.
I do know his impetus was a recent loss we suffered, along with my trying to drop the ball regarding his drinking. I've stopped caring, but I've also stopped supporting. And he knows I've been reading about alcoholism quite a bit. But he has no idea on the other steps I've been taking, I do all of it outside the home.
I don't believe that he can stop drinking 100%, he has indicated that he doesn't want to fully stops. He thinks he can find the happy medium where he can socially drink and not be out of control. I don't think he's capable of that, nor do I want to be around when he slips.
I do know his impetus was a recent loss we suffered, along with my trying to drop the ball regarding his drinking. I've stopped caring, but I've also stopped supporting. And he knows I've been reading about alcoholism quite a bit. But he has no idea on the other steps I've been taking, I do all of it outside the home.
I don't believe that he can stop drinking 100%, he has indicated that he doesn't want to fully stops. He thinks he can find the happy medium where he can socially drink and not be out of control. I don't think he's capable of that, nor do I want to be around when he slips.
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