pack up & move on . . .

Old 08-27-2012, 11:41 AM
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pack up & move on . . .

So you have come to the realization that your partner is an A and more than likely that person isn't going to change . . .so let's pack up, move up and move on. . .

Most of us know that is probably the best thing to do, but to be realistic it is not the easiest thing to do emotionally or finanically.

For those of you that struggle with this ~ I thought you might would like to hear my e, s, & h on this.

As we have a Hurricane in the Gulf it always brings the memories back to mind and I have these feelings to deal with - why not share them with my recovery SR family.

Shortly after Hurricane Rita in 2005, I realized that my then AH was no longer sober ~ the change in behaviors was evident, the recovery light in his eyes had disappeared and the old "ah" had returned with a vengence. Although he still attended meetings on a regular basis, I knew the truth and knew this is not what I wanted for my life.

I had a strong recovery program, set boundaries and he was crossing everyone of them. Financially I was close to be able to walk away, so I prayed to my HP and said "I'm ready, I want to be free" and with every thing that I know to be true - my HP said "NO, it's not time yet"

I continued my path of recovery - I worked very hard with my sponsor on grief work, on seeking my HP's path for me, on being content no matter what the circumstances, on seeing the reality of my situation ~

I learned so much over the next year & 1/2 ~ I learned that even tho my exah never hit me, it was still emotional & mental abuse, I learned that my worth didn't revolve around us both being in recovery, I learned that even if I had to sleep in a cardboard box on the side of the road - I was willing to do so to be out of that situation ~

Finally in November 2008, my HP answered my prayer and directed the path for me to be able to leave with no regrets, no second thoughts, no glances back - no what if's no shoulda, coulda woulda ~

I know that when safety is a factor, when children are involved - circumstances can be different ~ but I learned that it is not my place to tell anyone when or how their life should be lived ~ for if I had left when my exah relapsed after 2 1/2 yrs of recovery ~ I would have missed all that time of growth & learning my HP had in store for me ~

I truly believe everyone has their own path to walk - we are here to share our e, s, & h - to help them seek a way of recovery - to learn they have options, choices and the ability to have a different life ~ not to tell them what to do or how to do it ~

I often catch myself telling a newcomer or someone in a painful situation how they should just leave, or seek a better way - but it's not for me to know what is best for them ~

So to those of you who are in those situations, I just want to encourage you to truly seek your HP's direction, to open yourself to be Honest, Open and Willing to the guidance you seek. And my you truly find your Freedom and Peace as you walk your path!

When it is your time ~ I pray you will have the courage to take those steps - for me it has been worth every moment!

PINK HUGS,
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:10 PM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
My sponsor keeps telling me to be in my Higher Power's will and that I must really KNOW IT, know the answer and know the path HE wants for me. And, until that time I just keep working my recovery and waiting for HP's guidance. I am not stressing anymore, I am patiently waiting on HP to send me that message. My prayer every day is this, "HP, whatever your plans are for my marriage, please reveal them to me so that I may be in your will. Give me peace to accept where my life is now and wisdom to plan accordingly." That's it, and I pray it multiple times a day along with the serenity prayer. Being in limbo is sometimes a great place to be because HP can guide you through your recovery and gives me the tools I will need in the future. Whether my marriage lives or dies, my life will still continue on and I need to keep working a program of recovery for me so that I heal myself and become a strong independent woman who knows what she wants and what she deserves out of life.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:26 PM
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I agree. It's easy to sit on this side (where the grass is actually greener) and tell other people what to do.

I've been on the other side too, though. I fired a counselor who told me "unless your spouse is committed to recovery, your only choice is to tell him you're leaving, and then do it." I could not process that at a time when my every move was dictated by an alcoholic; all I felt was that here was yet another person wanting to tell me what to do.

I regret not leaving sooner than I did. But I also know I left when I was ready to. And up till that point, if I had left, I would have done it without being convinced I had ruled out every other option.

Leaving earlier would have been healthier for my children. Leaving earlier would have been healthier for me. But leaving earlier wasn't possible for me. I live with the guilt of having put my children through years of suffering, but I'm working on forgiving myself in light of the knowledge that I left as soon as I was able to. And it didn't have a thing to do with finances and everything to do with my own recovery process.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:29 PM
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Thank you, Pink Acres. I believe that if children are part of the situation, it is best they live separately from the active alcoholic. But for adults without that complicating factor, as long as there is no physical threatening or assaults or extremely violent verbal abuse or sexual infidelity--all of which can kill a spouse in various ways-- getting out immediately is not always necessary.

Staying, BUT allowing the alcoholic to experience every single negative consequence of the drinking, is always a viable choice. After a period of time, it will become clear whether consequences are enough to force the desperate alcoholic into sobriety. For some alcoholics, unfortunately, decades of crisis still are not enough.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:55 PM
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I have yet, in my experience seen anyone leave JUST because they were advised to by anyone. It seems that if a person wants to stay (for whatever reason), they will resist the recommendations of friends, therapists, family, or any other concerned persons. I think that if they do leave at the time it is suggested, it is because they were ready to recieve the message anyway.

Respectfully, dandylion
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:01 PM
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With regards to my above post---I've gotta say that I have no problem delivering the message.

I have been the recipient of such messages---thankfully, so.

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Old 08-27-2012, 04:19 PM
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We all get to it when we get to it. Great post, MsPink.
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:34 PM
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What do those, in such situations do when they don't have a HP, nor are interested in getting one? It is a valid question, I think. What do you suggest?

Not everyone makes life decisions based on messages from the universe.
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Old 08-28-2012, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
What do those, in such situations do when they don't have a HP, nor are interested in getting one? It is a valid question, I think. What do you suggest?

Not everyone makes life decisions based on messages from the universe.
well - i'm not sure I understand the question ~ but I'll give it a shot ~

is it you trying to decide what to do or is it from the perspective of a person seeking answers on what to do and you are the one trying to give them suggestions on what to do?

although not all believe in a HP, God, or power of the universe directing them - I guess they must follow some sort of inner guidance as to when they make their decisions ~ for me it was just sharing my e, s, & h that following that guidance helped me in my recovery when many of my friends didn't understand

and
this share was also to as a gentle reminder to myself (and maybe to others if they choose to look at it) that I do not know what another person's path may be ~ it is not for me to say when someone else needs to leave their partner.

I can share my e, s, & h as to what I believe to be the healthiest action to take, as to what is the safest thing for the person and their children, but I in no way know all the details of that person's future, past or present - it is ultimately their decision, their path, their recovery and between them & their destiny, their HP, their God or however one chooses to view it ~ to make their decisions.

Just as it was for me ~

I'm not sure I answered your question or even complicated it more -

Thanks - I truly love the way that SR is a safe place to discuss different outlooks on recovery.

PINK HUGS,
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Old 08-28-2012, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
What do those, in such situations do when they don't have a HP, nor are interested in getting one? It is a valid question, I think. What do you suggest?

Not everyone makes life decisions based on messages from the universe.
They watch and wait and keep collecting and analyzing the data available to them until they are finally ready to take action.

Hmm... in other words, they do the same thing as people who have an HP.
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