woreb

I am new to this and trying to figure out what to think, feel or even do. My husband who has always been a casual drinker and doesn't have an appropriate shut-off valve has begun hiding his alcohol. What used to be drinking too much publically has now become hiding vodka in various places. He lies and always turns it around on me - I'm monitoring him, I'm harassing him, I'm making too big of a deal about things. When he is not drinking, which is often, he is a wonderful man and a wonderful father to our three children. We are under a tremendous amount of stress due to starting a new company but that can't be the coping mechanism. I'm completely overwhelmed and honestly, just want to start over without this nonsense. I don't know what to think or feel and certainly don't know how to handle things with the kids. I am starting to feel that if he is hiding things, that's my clue that this is completely out of control now and it needs to change. I know however that only I can change and I'm scared out of my mind as to what to do. Any thoughts?

Happier

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I hid the extent of my drinking from my wife too. It ended for a while the first time when I just shamefully confessed it (hiding vodka). Unfortunately about a year later I was at it again and it didn't take her long to figure it out and just ask me. I obvoiusly had to admit it again. It pains me to even write about this and I am determined to never put her through that again.

I think you are correct to be concerned. I am hesitant to say too much more as I do not consider myself to be any sort of expert. There are lots of great people here though that you may find helpful. You are not alone.

Again, I am sorry you have to deal with this. Hoping you can find Peace and Comfort.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

Yes, hiding alcohol is a symptom of alcoholism. In fact, if you google "alcoholism self-test" you may see other symptoms which fit your husband, even if you do not know the full story of his drinking life.

You will not be able to control the amount he drinks nor persuade him not to drink nor ever prevent him from drinking to intoxication. Alcoholism is the loss of control over alcohol. The alcoholic cannot control when he will drink, where, and he definitely has no control over how much he will drink.

So if you live with him, you will have to live with the drinking. Do not ever rescue him from any consequence of that drinking: never clean up a thing, never wake him when he's about to miss something important, never miss an event because he's drunk and cannot attend, if he vomits leave it, if he wrecks the car don't help him, if he passes out on the kitchen floor leave him there.

He will likely drive drunk. He will likely do so with the children and with you in the car. Have a plan ready to prevent him from doing so.

Attend Al-Anon meetings and find one that fits you and never miss a week. Get a sponsor. Get a counselor if your insurance will cover it or you have the funds.

Stop believing him. He will lie about drinking and probably about many other things.

There is hope but almost always a change in the spouse precedes a change in the alcoholic husband.

There are "Sticky" links on alcoholism on the opening page of the forum.

And I recommend you buy a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.

His alcoholism is permanent. So suit up and get educated and be prepared to never to enable him and your story could have a positive outcome (both of you in recovery from the effects of alcoholism). . But to that point, it will be a very challenging and often painful road. But many have traveled it and you can travel it, too. It takes commitment and grit. But there is hope.

We are here to support you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I enjoy reading in the sticky posts at the top of the forum page. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been preserved for future reading. I am always finding wisdom from others while reading in the stickies.

Here is one of my favorite posts, and it helped me to follow these steps while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

fourmaggie

we are not experts....we offer what has happened to us and how we dealt with it...

you are an expert in your own right...you are a recovery alcoholic

keep posting!

lizatola

Seconding what everyone else has said here but wanted to throw in my own .02cents about the driving with the kids. My AH was hiding the alcohol, lying, etc and I challenged him about drinking and driving when he picked up our son from sports practice. He said he would never do such a thing and risk that with his own child. Turns out, after his DUI, he confessed that he had done that a few times and I was devastated and angry at myself for believing him.

I encourage you to get to an Al Anon meeting if they have them in your area. Come to SR here and get support and then try Al Anon for real life support. Counseling has helped me, too. My husband does not like the changes I'm making. He doesn't like it that I'm not enabling anymore and he's charging back at me full force. Alcoholics don't like it when you rock the boat, so that's why you need all the support you can get.

Freedom1990

Woreb, welcome and please know you have landed among friends who understand!

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, that is, it always gets worse if left untreated.

The hiding of liquor now is a sign of that progression in your home.

I have been on both sides, as a recovering codependent (EXAH and a daughter currently in active addiction), and as a long-term (22 years) recovering addict/alcoholic.

There are several tools I have used over the years to cope with the alcoholics/addicts in my life. Alanon is a blessing and has helped me in all areas of my life. I practice Alanon principles on a daily basis.

I have been in therapy off and on for well over 15 years now. It's a tremendous source of help and guidance for me.

There are many excellent books out there. I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood was also an eye-opener for me.

There are also many good "sticky" topics at the top of this forum to educate yourself further on alcoholism.

Again, welcome, and sending you hugs on the damp Kansas winds.

Shadydeal

Sorry you are going thru all of this but welcome! It would be in your best interest to learn all you can and educate yourself. Unfortunately you will find that many/most of the stories are all the same but names have changed. Sad but true! The earlier you can educate yourself and take care of yourself/children the better of you will be. Hoping your story will be different but I suggest you be aware and careful.

MamaKit

I would trust those senses that you have that are telling you that he is truly out of control. It can't be repeated enough that this is a progressive disease. I wish I had accepted that truth long before I did. Take good care of yourself and your children. You can't fix him.

woreb

Thank you so much everyone. The messages were very hard to hear but also very much needed. My husband was appalled that I found the stash and embarrassed - although he says relieved. My trust is gone so sadly, I can't accept what he is saying at face value. He offered to go to AA if that is what I want. I let him know that I will be going to Al-anon but he needs to make the decision to go to AA for himself and not for me. While I find myself wishing that I were in a new life and reeling from finding myself here, I struggle most with the fact that he is a wonderful loving and giving father and husband. I don't know what the right thing to do is but I will continue to dig down deep to find out what is right for my children and for me. I am completely overwhelmed. Thank you very much for all of your time.