lizatola

Yes, and this was the reason why I called his psychiatrist last fall to 'tell on him' and ask if his behavior was normal. He saw it as me trying to control him and decided to retaliate and drink even more even after the psych. doc told him NOT to drink even a beer. He knew the risks but continued escalating the drinking in an attempt to "I'll show Liz. I'll just keep pounding the beer to get back at her for caring so much." And, yes, his doctor explained to him that I called out of caring and fear and AH even agreed that he understood my motivation. Deep down, he didn't want to change nor give up the drinking.

He eventually admitted that he felt that the Paxil increased his desire to drink. So, after he admits this he continued to stay on the Paxil and eventually went back to drinking. I know, I know.....why am I staying with him? UGH!

dandylion

Liz, I respectfully remind you that you already KNOW why you are still staying with him.

You have talked about as much in your previous postings many times.

It might be helpful for you to type those reasons out again as a way of clarifying your thoughts on this subject, right now.

Awareness--acceptance ---action

dandylion

marie1960

"Yes, and this was the reason why I called his psychiatrist last fall to 'tell on him' and ask if his behavior was normal. He saw it as me trying to control him and decided to retaliate and drink even more even after the psych. " (Lizatola)

XA did the exact same thing when he felt I was a threat to "His control". I was the recipient of " I'll show you !!!"

But I also now realize I was wasting my time and energy, ( and giving myself a huge migraine) in trying to "help" him sort out his troubled life.

What an effed up mess this disease truly is.
Hugs to you Liz.

NWGRITS

In my heart, though, I still feel stuck and I know it's fear and the fact that I committed to this marriage and still feel a draw to try everything to MAYBE fix it.

This. It's one-sided. YOU can't fix it. Just like YOU didn't cause it. You're going to continue to go crazy and make excuses because YOU want to fix it. Doesn't work like that. Never has, never will. Please, get yourself and YOUR CHILD to a safe, healthy place. As an ACoA, I can't stress enough the responsibility as a parent to get your child the hell out of there. Your AH isn't anywhere close to admitting a problem and seriously trying to get right. Protect your son while you still have the chance.

On another note: The drinking and crazy talking from your AH have news headlines of murder-suicide flashing through my head, only because I've been too close to comfort to one of those lately. Get out. Please.

NYCDoglvr

He has a point. Your words say you don't like what he says but your actions (living with him) implies it's really ok.

lizatola

Yes, he does. I guess I wonder how he went so down hill attitude wise and how I kept putting up with it. I kept hoping that he'd find God in his heart and find peace with his life, but he kept spiraling downward and I kept going down the hole with him. I keep thinking that if WE work together than WE can save OUR marriage. I guess it's just wishful thinking. Then I start blaming myself for struggling to stay married to him and his attitudes. I think the what ifs: what if I could just learn to ignore his racist comments. What if I could handle him throwing Christianity and my small group under the bus? What if I could detach from his renting a car on a suspended license and accept the fact that I might have a lawsuit coming my way in the future? Maybe that won't happen anyway, I mean he hasn't gotten in trouble yet......

Yes, I live my life saying what if??? And, then I berate myself for my shortcomings in the marriage. Lots of ifs and should haves, could haves, etc. Those things aren't going to get me anywhere anymore so I need to accept the fact that now that I want to change myself and he doesn't want to change himself, then we have nowhere to go TOGETHER.

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober a long time. A wonderful member of my group is a priest who has shared he prayed to stop drinking -- it worked AFTER he took action by getting help. The same applies to codependents: unless you do something nothing will change in your life.

Hypatia

Liz, I am recognizing many of the behaviours which you are describing. None of the ones I saw, however, were in any way connected with alcohol. That doesn't mean that alcohol isn't playing a role in your situation. It obviously is amplifying the problem. But I would suggest that as a useful exercise you temporarily de-couple the two issues of alcohol abuse and mental illness.

A book I found helpful many years ago was "When Madness Comes Home: Help and Hope for the Children, Siblings, and Partners of the Mentally Ill" by Victoria Secunda. I found it contained many stories with which I could identify. At the time, I was more focused on being a child and sibling of someone with mental illness, but there are large sections dealing with partners and wives, too.

Perhaps you might gain a slightly different perspective which may be helpful.

transformyself

Paxil suicide risks affect adults, report says. - Aug. 22, 2005

This is so hard to read. But my addiction is a feisty one as well. It's taken YEARS of BS for me to detach, keep my head down and work to get out. No entanglements.

You'll sort it out on your own, but if you want a hint about your situation, I can say he's an egomaniac, abusive, crapsack.

fourmaggie

I so agree with this QUOTE!! and that is what a 12 step program DOES!


Liz....aren't you tired now? its the merry ago round....its the same thing all the time...

maybe its time for you to go on a holiday ALONE and think things through...just a thought

lizatola

Of course I'm tired now, yet at the same time I feel awesome. I smile more and have more lift in my step(if that makes sense) and that's because I'm working my 12 step program, I'm meeting regularly with my sponsor, I'm going back to church, I've joined a neighborhood church group, and I'm living MY life as I need to. So, even though I still get caught up in his attitude and crap, I am working on ME, too.

I am watching him spin his wheels in the mud right now. He's not used to me like this. I used to go to him and make him talk and let him verbal vomit all over me and then I'd feel sorry for him and have sex with him and make things all right. I used to listen to him rant and rave about crap, now I leave the room. I used to always say YES, and now I know I can say NO. I'm growing and he doesn't like it. And, that's OK, too.

LaTeeDa

There came a point in my marriage when I realized that although we started out with the same goals, dreams, values, and plans, somewhere along the way, we ended up going in different directions. At the same time, I realized that, drinking or not, he just didn't want the same things in life I wanted. Not only that, he wasn't interested in changing or conforming to my ideals.

While it certainly wasn't easy, I had to face the reality that the man I was married to was not the man I thought I was married to. And, for a while, I thought I would just have to accept that and try to go on existing for the rest of my days. Thankfully, this site showed me that I had choices, even though I didn't like them.

You have choices, too, Liz. Even though you may not like them......

L

Tuffgirl

Amen sister!

lillamy

Yup.

SoaringSpirits

Oh my gosh, MadeofGlass, were we married to the same guy? My AH became increasingly obsessed with reading armageddon-themed novels, assembled "bug out" bags too, and became quite the gun collector. He even stockpiled vodka, supposedly for the bug-out bags, stating that "vodka can be used for disinfecting wounds and for trade if our money system should fail." (Um, yeah, whatever!)

The interesting part is that armageddon DID happen to my AH. Just not in the way he'd envisioned. His bug-out bags, guns and disinfecting vodka went with him to his very own survival hut --- his condo --- and now he has to face our evil zombie lawyers as I swoop in to 'steal' half his assets, poor baby!

Sorry to derail the OP. Liza, I dealt with a lot of paranoia with my AH and I guess it's part of the addiction. Their brains are just not working properly, and sometimes I think all the paranoid thoughts are just a smokescreen designed to distract us from the real issue. Peace to you as you figure out a way to live with your situation.

Justfor1

It sounds as if his mental illness is getting worse. That can sometimes be a aggravated in alcohol abuse. Drinking on an anti-depressant can often make the person drunk very quickly also. Which is, of course, what the alcoholic wants.

lizatola

Yes, agreed. I think that's why he's never looked into changing prescriptions as I'm sure it's just easier for him to stay on the Paxil since he knows how it works with and without alcohol in his system.


OH: FYI everyone! Tomorrow is marriage counseling day! I'm giving it the acronym: MCD!
Any thoughts or feelings you all would like to share?

LaTeeDa

My thoughts? Try not to have any expectations. I went into marriage counseling thinking that at last, a neutral third party would validate me and agree with me. Tell him how right I was and how wrong he was. Boy, was I disappointed.

As it turns out, though, my AH wasn't interested in continuing (surprise!) and I saw her individually for about 18 mos. One of the best things that ever happened to me.

L

lizatola

That's pretty much how I'm approaching it. Honestly, I've been the picture of serenity at home. Taking ds to church, going to neighborhood Bible study, preparing food, doing schoolwork with ds, etc. My intention is to take that serenity to the therapist session tomorrow. I am going to have to work hard to not take things personally, to stay calm and not cry, and to listen to his complaints without being defensive. I'm actually planning on bringing in a notebook where I can take notes.

I had told AH 3 weeks ago that I wanted him to go to counseling but he hasn't made an appointment. He's not interested in therapy for himself. According to him, the only complaints he's going to make in therapy are about the fact that I hate sex and that he's not getting any. Oh boy, it's gonna be interesting and I'm going to put on my sense of humor too, because seeing the absurdity in all of it can really bring a smile to my face, I don't know why though?

gerryP

What are you hoping to get out of marriage counselling Liz? If you are going in with no expectations for future. Are you attending to satisfy going through the motions so that you can say in the end that you did everything you could to save the marriage and then make a decision to leave or stay and accept that nothing is going to change and stay.

Let me preface this by saying that whatever one chooses do do is always ok, but I get a sense that you already know that what you have now with your husband, is what you will always have, maybe worse. I think you really want to stay no matter what you already know because you can work around it. As you say you are going to church with your Son, going to bible study and feeling serene. I'm glad to hear that. That said, it still leaves your Son in a less ideal family environment. Why then continue with the MC? Is it possible that you place great important of what everything looks like on the outside, be damned what is really going on inside. Good curb appeal.