TCB5568

Hi all of u! I wanted to post today because I feel so alone and lonely and depressed. Of course MY AH's drinking is getting so bad. Tonight my 9 yr. Old said to him dad why do u sound like that? Like u were given some gas at the dentist? And then also said that dad sounded like he was dying. He was lounging on the couch pretty much half asleep but said to our boy that is how he felt. Before this AH was in the kitchen having imaginary conversations while I was trying to read my 2 yr old a book and ignore him. He started saying he felt like he was going to throw up from lack of food and the problem is hes too drunk to even get himself a plate so i got it for him and went back to reading He says mom thinks shes really cool..hes just plain disgusting and revolting to me anymore. Hes like this 24/7. .... he has grabbed my boys arm and left a red mark recently and says he just grabbed his shirt and he also tossed our 2 yr. Old onthe couch because she was annoying him. He probably doesn't even remember these incidents actually..yesterday I called a hot line and was given another number I'm carrying in my pocket for 2 days. Lately AH passes out on living room couch at 6 p.m....so annoying! Hes acting very strange anymore like he says hes not proud of himself...he seems VERY depressed. I cant help but feeling its my fault because of all the moodswings I go through myself and maybe we just make each other miserable anymore...its very sad...

AlcoholicLove

He's abusing your kids-that is first and foremost in my mind. Grabbing your son's arm and leaving a red mark, tossing a 2 year old on the couch???
What are you going to do to protect them, before he really hurts one of them??

Call the hotline and get help. Now.

TCB5568

Yes my son was crying that his shoulder hurt and he was on the floor but AH always tries to convince me he barely touched him. I take my son into bathroom look at his arm and it was definitely red...I get so paralyzed when these things happen...and all because I went to the bathroomnand the kids were bouncing a ball in the house, and this was "when he wasn't even drinking"..

EnglishGarden

It is very common for the wife of an alcoholic to think she causes his drinking, his depression, his anger, his bitterness and resentments.

But: drinking that is out of control, depression, anger, bitterness and resentments are SYMPTOMS OF ALCOHOLISM. These symptoms are all happening and will continue to happen because of the disease of alcoholism which affects his brain. The alcoholism creates mental damage, and that creates abnormal behavior and abnormal moods and abnormal thinking.

You do not cause one whit of it. It is ALCOHOLISM. And tomorrow it will still be there, and the day after that, and all the days on all the calendars to come.

He is not interested in getting well. So you have to get some help. Because your family will be destroyed living like this and your children damaged in deep ways.

Call the hotline again and make an appt. with a counselor. If you allow his alcoholism to control your family and you, if you allow your children to live in guilt and fear because they cannot make him happy and cannot make him treat them with respect, if you allow yourself to be demeaned by his indifference toward you, your family will be destroyed.

Get some help and soon. You are the only person in that house who can change things for the better for your children.

TCB5568

Yes his drinking is out of control and I'm sure its causing some mental damage ...to the kids as well as himself. For Pete's sake...he cant even keep his eyes open while hes eating and he stains all his shirts. What I'm trying to say is the feeling is getting much stronger to get us away from him...I'm just scared. I don't want huge confrontations ...Im tired..I don't want to call police or make him out to b a horrible person! I'm so confused!

Trilogy

TCB, it's more than sad, it's dangerous. I know it is hard to act when you are feeling lonely, depressed and doubt your own judgement. Please know it is not your fault and make a plan of action to protect your children and yourself. It does not have to be a dramatic, sudden course of action, unless you feel your children are in immediate danger in the heat of abusive behavior. I think so many of us are all so sick of the drama. If you feel too overwhelmed to rationally plan a course of action yourself, a domestic abuse hotline service can help you come up with a methodical plan. Most hotline services have trained volunteers who do not judge or insist you do something before you are ready. I hope you find support in people you can trust to give you concrete, rational advice.

OhBoy

Speaking as a man who had a father who was drunk 24/7 when I was your boys age, it taught me a lot of things. It taught me how to keep my mouth shut, how to become the man of the house at age 11, how to be solely responsible for the well being of the entire family, how to "suck it up" & stay in a situation no matter how bad it gets & how bad I feel. I also learned how to pick an alcoholic for a spouse & to stay with her, no matter what.
I really wish my mother would have sent me to Alateen, something to consider.
ohBoy

dollydo

"Im tired..I don't want to call police or make him out to b a horrible person!"

He is a horrible person, he is a drunkin child abuser.

Your children are the true victims and you choose to do nothing about it...that is so very sad to me.

fourmaggie

only until CHANGES are made, will there be CHANGES

so where do you want to start?

Thumper

TCB, when I had made the decision that it was best for us to leave, yet feeling soooo conflicted about that decision I used a lot of visualizations to help me. I reverted to them to help clarify things. This thread has reminded me of one of them.

I felt my xah (we were married at the time) was drowning. He was treading water and he was struggling mightily because there was a big cement block chained to his ankle. It was getting heavier and heavier and that cement block was alcoholism. I was right out there with him, trying to keep him from dipping below the surface. I was getting tired too. I was really struggling. In one hand he had a key to the lock on his ankle, and I had his other hand. He refused to use the key and I didn't have one. He refused to let go of me and he was dragging me under. Here was my turning point. I looked at the shore. I saw my little children on that shore. Sooo very sad, lost, confused, and afraid. Just standing there watching all alone. They could't do anything else. It is then, in my minds eye, that I let go of my xah's hand and I swam to shore. He had the key and he could save himself anytime he wanted. I had to swim to save my children, all alone and afraid, watching us both sink.

I landed on that shore and I could hug them, and love them, and be present with them. I can support them, raise them, bring joy to that beach, etc. if I am standing with them. I can't do that if I'm out there being drowned by alcoholism.


You have that number in your pocket. That is a huge step Keep doing the next right thing TCB.

gerryP

you have been posting about your husbands worsening alcoholism and his abuse on your children since January of this year TC and still no changes have been made on your part. Calling a hotline is a good thing, however you have already done this before within the past 7 months. carrying the number around with you and not taking action again- is fruitless. Maybe in doing this, you feel you ARE doing something?

You mention that you are tired and in your last 7 months of postings you also mentioned that you are tired. Just as your husbands alcoholism is worsening, so will your tiredness worsen. You really need to act now and don't look back. As I see it, you don't have a choice if you really want to do what is right for your children. It has been said over and over by us all. You have been given great advice and support over the last 7 months and you are not doing anything to change your children's living situation. When you first posted in January, you said that your mother lives close by and that you could go there. What happened to that option? Seriously TC, what will it take for you to make the move? What do you need from us? IS there anything we can offer up to help you get out of there? What are you needing to understand better? You can leave when your husband is at work. You can call the police and let them know where you will be staying and alert them of potential trouble. You can be safe by leaving. That can't be an excuse.

itsmylifenow

TC, I have never been in your exact situation but I have been to the breaking point where I felt I was in danger with my abf, who thankfully, didn't live with me.

While in a public bathroom one day I noticed a sign on the back of the door for domestic abuse and the number to call. It was a sign that I needed to do something.

I was reluctant to call, because I didn't think my situation was bad enough to warrant wasting their time, when I knew there were women living in worse conditions and whose children were in danger.

I had to call for myself. And, for my kids. The counselor on the phone was so helpful to me. She only knew my first name, knew the important issues of the situation and guided me where to go next. She was a true lifeline at a moment when I thought I was going to go down with my abf.

I haven't read your other posts, but it sounds like fear is taking over, not to mention you are getting weaker and having a harder time dealing with this. Please don't let it escalate to the point where he actually harms one of your children. They are innocent in all of this and deserve (as well as you do) to be somewhere they are safe and taken care of.

The call will help you. It will guide you. If nothing more, it will give you a connection to someone that will understand what you are going through and can help take this burden away and help you get stronger. Please, please don't wait any longer.

((hugs))

Morning Glory

I am a mandated reporter and feel it necessary to close this thread due to rule #13.