A Whole New Ballgame
 

Wow, where do I start? Been a rough week, and have not posted, but have been in turmoil. Thank you all, however, for all your words of wisdom for others, that has helped me.

The Wife told me Monday she wants a divorce, and since she knows that I think she's a crazy drunk, she will stop drinking until the divorce is final.

Seems she 'snooped' my Calendar and email on our PC at home and saw emails that I had with our priest. Of course, she says she never has trusted me, I've made her life miserable, and of course she has to drink in order to live with me. She says she can't go to our church now because she feels ashamed, and a whole litany of other things. I tried to tell her that I was/am scared for her and our family and needed to reach out to someone.

She didn't listen, turned everything around and said that I need to straighten out my life and fix everything that's wrong with me and not worry about her.

Of course I have issues, as we all do. I said we would go to counseling, she said it's too late, I should have done that long ago. If she's so miserable, why didn't she make an appointment herself?

After pilfering my emails, she probably knows about this site, so my posts may not be private anymore.

She hasn't spoken to me much this week, although I have remained calm and we do talk about things related to our son. She moved to the guest room bed and has been sleeping there. I am trying to make an appt. with a counselor who can deal with: marriage issues, AcoA issues (which she has), PTSD (which she has), and alcoholism.

Wish me Luck!

Good luck.

My ex did the same with me -- got into my emails and found every website I had ever posted on, not just about addiction. She read everything I had ever posted. Here especially. She would cut and paste stuff I had said and email me about it and question me. It was miserable. We've been apart for some time now and I'm not convinced she's quit coming here to track me. I wish I could give you advice but I can't, I'll just wish you luck. :)

BTW, I'm the alcoholic. Not her.

Also, talk to a mod if you want to talk about making some changes so things are more private.

You know what?

I agree with her on this statement. It is extremely important to look at yourself, straighten out things in your life, concentrate on yourself and doing things that make YOU HAPPY and NOT WORRY ABOUT HER!!

I love it. She basically told you to go to Alanon and get help for yourself. Whether or not she even knows what she was saying I agree 1 million percent.

:)

CentralOhioDad,

Now that you have shared your wife's agenda, and her perspective on your lives, May I ask you, How are YOU ? How do you feel about a divorce? What do YOU want to do?

Your wife is the classic textbook read, the selfish out of control alkie, in deep denial, and knows how to manipulate, and blameshift. And in general,turn everyday living into absolute chaos.

I learned not to take what XA said to seriously, as he either forgot he ever said it, ( gotta love the blackouts) or he would be jumping out of a different tree. It all became an irrational, annoying noise.

Hope you find a counselor to help you sort all this out. And know we are here and listening too.

Hang in there.

My AXH would tell me the same thing. And then that he was magnanimous enough that he wanted me to come back so I could be a better wife the next time around. :rotfxko

To me, it sounds like a lot of QUACKING on her part.

dandylion

isn't that a big part of what priests are for?

sooo.... this week she breaks into your emails, doesn't like what she sees, throws a whole heap of accusations at you, says she wants a divorce, says she won't drink until it and now you are running around trying to find a counsellor who specialises in a whole heap of things that fit her.

...to what end?

she has thrown a tantrum over you talking to your priest (a faith you both share? so presumably she's heard that patroral care is part of the priests job description and it comes with built-in-confidentiality? I'm an atheist and even I'm pretty clear on that) and forced a marriage crisis to throw you off course. You appear to be reacting, trying to fix the marriage crisis.

I've done this many a time.

an alternative way of going about things might be to step back, breathe, take stock, get a counsellor for yourself who specialises in things that fit you, and see just how far she actually takes these "plans" of hers.

The less control she has over you, the more out of control she's going to become. Count on it.

The counselor you choose should be someone who has experience with spouses of alcoholics, primarily, and not someone with whom you can analyze your AW. I understand the impulse to find someone who will make sense of her for you and the desire to just figure her out so you know how to handle her in the right way.

But really, once someone is an alcoholic, the alcoholic brain is running that person, and all the other life-issues like ACOA, past traumas, shame issues, trust issues, marriage issues, all of it....has no effect on either her thinking or her behavior. It is full-blown ADDICTION that runs her every thought and every action.

When you change the status quo, when you seek outside help, when you set boundaries, when you act as if you have some self-respect, she will revolt. Alcoholics need things to remain just the way they have demanded they remain because keeping that status quo is what has been helping them drink.

She is going to try to bully you into guilt, shame, fear, and self-doubt.

Do not go there. Get into counseling and start to make a long-term plan to take action to deal with your situation. Your children need you to do that. Her alcoholism is PERMANENT. So get that help you plan to seek, and get going on changing the status quo in your household.

CentralOhio,

A very helpful thread for you is in the "Best Of Sober Recovery" forum (the last of the forums listed on the opening page of this site).

It is a thread titled "Addictive Personality" and can be found on page 2 of the "Best of Sober Recovery." You will see much of your situation mirrored there.

Mine too, here is my response to his hacking my emails and stalking me here at SR (with two open profiles, no less):

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-privacy.html

And he was sober at the time - or at least that is what he said.

I say this repeatedly here - alcoholism protects the perimeter - so of course it is a huge threat for you to be talking about her outside of the walls of your home. HUGE! And of course she is going to blame you for it all. Of course she says she wants a divorce (let her proceed on that - alcoholics are known for having idle threats and little follow through). Of course its too late for any of the rational solutions you offered in this conversation. Because the point of the conversation was to manipulate you into feeling like a sorry a$$ for doing all this horrible stuff to her in the first place, and now she can go drink some more to soothe her wounded ego because you are a big bad man.

It's normal behavior. Expect it - and more - as long as you threaten her status quo.

P.S EG - we are on the same wavelength this morning!! ; ) LOL!

Wow. What an eye opener. I knew all of that, but when put that way, right to the point buy did it ever smack me in the face! It all makes so much sense! Thank you so much for that!
OhBoy

You're going to therapy to deal with her issues? While I kept the focus on xabf's problems I wasn't growing or changing, just staying stuck in the problem. In order to get a good life and peace of mind I went to Al-anon (working the steps seriously) and therapy. Her problems are irrelevant since you're powerless over her. Where the real power lies in working hard on ourselves.

Update
 

First off, thank you for all your insightful responses, they are much appreciated. It may sound like I'm dismissing them in the rest of my post, but I am not, everything is soaking in and considered.

I've been thinking about what you've written and what's been going on at home, and I've thought about some more things.

One, if she ws so miserable (for a long time now), why didn't SHE seek out marriage counseling? Why is it my job? Because if we did, supposedly, work out our problems, then there would be less reason to drink and blame me.

Note: she has not had a drink since last Sunday! She said she would stop, and she has. She's been cold to me, but at least not the mood swings and everything else. She says she very tired and doesn't feel well, possibly withdrawal.

You guys asked how I feel and what I want to happen in all of this... Well, for the sake of our son, I would like to keep the family unit together as one, peacefully. It was also asked why I'm going to counseling for her issues, and not mine. I feel that if she can get some of her issues out and get them discussed and worked on, and stop denying them, then I believe we will make progress. I've learned a lot about myself over the last six weeks just being on this Forum and reading the stories and the advice/guidance/experiences of others. So for that, I thank you.

We are very private people, and so having some 'come out' is a huge blow. Her family is all about denial and keeping secrets. If the situation had been turned around, then she would have wanted answers as well - but she doesn't see thst side of it, obviously.

Will keep you posted.

Good luck. Please keep posting and updating us.

I hope for your family's sake, she stays "not drinking" and finds a solid program to work on her issues. But from my experience, when someone stops drinking to prove a point to someone else and as a measure of punishment and control - it rarely sticks.

I went to counseling to try to deal with my marital issues. Luckily, the counselor had a background in addictions and knew that one person can't deal with marital issues alone. He called it ' one hand clapping' - it just doesn't accomplish the desired end goal. However, he took the time to help me, which is what I really needed at the time. I hope you find the same help with yours.

She did not seek out marriage counseling because the marriage is not her top priority.

Drinking is.

We are here to support you as more unfolds. Still get some help for yourself so you do not lose your mind.

Thank you
 

Read that this morning - very good information, I've added it to my "Favorites" so that I can refer back to it later and let more of it sink in.

Thank you

And yes, I know that I also need help in dealing with everything that's going on, and I will get that help. But, if we can get Wife's issues out in the open and start working on them, that will hopefully (through time) create a better family dynamic - and in turn a much better environment for raising our son.

She didn't seek out counseling because she doesn't think she needs it. And she likely doesn't even think she is responsible for behaving differently for the sake of the marriage.

I do understand that she has underlying issues which could have contributed to her seeking alcohol to escape, self-soothe, find relief from depression or anxiety......many people become alcoholics not because they loved to party but because alcohol took away emotional pain and psychic distress.

But: alcoholism is an organic disease of the brain. At some point in the drinker's life, a permanent switch is thrown, the doors lock shut behind her, and she is now trapped in a mental compulsion she cannot control. This is the part of alcoholism that is hard to understand, but unless we get this, we will all think that if an alcoholic just has the right talk therapy to heal those psychic wounds, then the compulsion and obsession to drink will be removed.

It will be of great help to you if you continue to seek information about the basics of addiction, for you are hungry for information and tools, and that is certainly a good thing.

There are a couple of series on DVD you can order--probably through your local library or through Netflix--on addiction. One is "Close to Home" with Bill Moyers interviewing addicts and addiction experts. The other is the HBO series on addiction, I'm not sure the exact title. And you can also read the AA Big Book at Big Book Online Fourth Edition.

If your wife is not desperate to stop drinking, then the entire 60 minutes she is sitting in a counselor's office will be spent silently obsessing about getting the hell out of there and finding a drink.

She has to want to stop. Consequences will get her there. Keep learning.

don't know if you have heard that wonderful slogan yet, but

"if nothing changes, nothing changes"

"if you want something different, you have to do something different"

as much as you would love your wife to do something about her drinking, more than likely she may not - the only thing you can change is you ~ That's where this site, Al-Anon and other support groups or counseling can help -

An oldtimer in the program once told me - "work the program you want your A to work"

just my e, s, & h - wishing you & your family the best!!

PINK HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita