changeschoices

So I ended the relationship with the ABF four months ago. We were together 2.5 years. I had just separated from my husband and didn't know ABF was an alcoholic. At the time, I was living in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood, had a good job, volunteered in my children's schools and felt I was a respectable member of my community with similar friends. I practiced my religion regularly and while I had an anxiety problem due to the many changes that went along with leaving my marriage, I viewed myself as a stable, educated, successful person.

I let the A move in with me after 7 months of dating because he had been my college boyfriend and because he had to leave his job and apartment in another part of my state due to his upcoming house arrest because of two DUIs that he'd gotten right before we started dating (which I didn't know about right away).

As soon as ABF moved in, I saw a new side of him that he'd hidden up til then. He started yelling at me in front of my children and shoving me when they weren't around. Shortly thereafter, I was laid off from my job (not due to performance but because of rounds of layoffs) and this made my self-esteem plummet. And then ABF went under 60 days house arrest, which made me feel embarassed and which I hid from my family and friends.

Then ABF ended up in detox, outpatient rehab, etc. and got fired from his job for not showing up because he was drinking. He got some severance money from his previous job and moved out one day while my children and I were at school (I went back to college during my unemployment). I came home to find all of his things gone and nearly died. Of course, he promptly resumed our relationship, only to disappear again a few months later. I fell into a deep depression two weeks later and was hospitalized for four days because I was extremely thin and sleep-deprived from stress. And stupidly, I went back to him, only to dump him this year because he started drinking and driving again and I finally realized I could NOT be with someone who was risking a non-negotiable prison sentence if he got a third arrest.

Now I've moved to a much smaller house in a much less nice neighborhood. I'm working only part time for the next year in order to be able to transport my older daughter to her old school in order to finish middle school, which is the right thing to do for her but makes me feel terrible about being poor, literally poor, until I can work full time. I'm not depressed, but I'm extremely shell-shocked from 2.5 years with an alcoholic. I used to run and look fabulous and now I just feel exhausted and old-looking.

I have done some online dating and I received a nice message from an attorney that I knew as a client at my old job. He's handsome and smart and likeable. And I feel too ashamed to date someone like him. I'm embarassed that I'm living in a tiny fixer-upper that I can't afford to fix up, that I've applied for food stamps, that I don't have a great job, that I can't afford to eat out, and most of all that I spent over two years with a criminal alcoholic who is filing his second bankruptcy, abused me, and has an unsavory family.

I feel like I'm an unrespectable person now, that I am tainted by my incredibly poor choices in dating ABF, that no decent man would want to date me if he knew that I'd spent 2.5 years taking ABF to his court dates, rehab, probation appointments, etc. Loaned him tons of money that I couldn't afford to. Let him turn me into an unrecognizable mess.

Sorry this is a novel. I needed to let it all out. Am I ever going to feel proud of myself again?

owathu

Yes, you will. I promise you. It's only been 2.5 years of a longer life. You aren't the A, he is. It's his shame to carry, not yours. Don't let him do that to you.

I don't know if dating is the right thing to be doing right now? Maybe take some time off from men and work on you again. Try going to Alanon meetings and reading everything you can get your hands on.

I too have many scars I am ashamed of. Ashamed that I married an A knowing, that he had a drinking problem, of loaning money, of doing everything for that man and getting so very little in return. I survived on words saying I love you with no action behind them. I finally left, my self esteem is in the toilet, I miss him anyways and I don't even know what I am missing because I was miserable 90% of the time. But, I am a strong woman, and I will become healthy again, and I will NOT ever, ever date/marry/fall in love with someone so dysfunctional ever again. You can do it too. It won't be easy, there will be pain and tears, but you will stand with your head held high again.

laurie6781

Sweetie, you are not alone. This has happen to many in the last few years and not necessarily from having an ABF, it is the ecomony.

Last year, a house down the street, a 4 bedroom 3 bath home, was rented by two Single parent moms, each with a boy and a girl. The two girls, share one bedroom and love it, the two boys share the other bedroom and love it, and each mom has her own bedroom with their own bathroom. The house rents for $950/month. They are both only working part time as they also have gone back to school to better themselves. They both also are getting some help right now with food stamps and medicaid for their children and themselves.

As they have said, there was no way either of them could get a place big enough for themselves and their two children for $475/month. They have been living this way now for over a year and it is working great. Their kids are still in the same schools, and area, etc

So, you are not alone, many single moms are in deep dire straights now, with all the layoffs and businesses closing, etc Our college and Community College here have seen quite the influx in 'older' students, who are trying to 'better' themselves.

You made a mistake, nothing more. You have learned from that mistake and you are still taking care of your children, and working and GOING TO SCHOOL. Be proud of yourself, you are doing a great job, in a time of great economic distress for many!!!!

Keep posting, and remember we are walking with you in spirit!

Love and hugs,

dollydo

You will be fine..perhaps it might be a good time to re-evalute, refocus and stay away from the dating scene for awhile, just may be a bit too soon!

A mistake was made, it is not a life sentance.

LuvMySis

Yes, you will, because you are gaining a strength within yourself that one can only get from experiencing adversity. And you will realize it one day soon. You've survived. Not only that, but you've gained wisdom that you wouldn't otherwise have. And you're sharing it with others. I just read a comment you made on another thread, and it was very thoughtful and informative, unlike my comment. The only way for people new to the world of addiction to learn is from the people who came before them, like you.

tjp613

This is what I was gonna say, too. It's not like we're born with some kind of creep-detector built in! We have to learn this stuff the hard way, unfortunately.

I seriously doubt this attorney friend of yours has lived his life in a perfectly straight line with nothing but success!? He too is human and has made mistakes.

Do NOT let your past define you. You are doing a great job!

lillamy

You know what the GREAT thing about this is? That you can do something about it.

That is my advice to myself every morning: Don't dwell on the past, because you can't change a thing there. The good news is, you can change the future. And I'm thinking along the same lines Dolly is -- right now, feeling the way you're feeling about yourself, might not be the best point in time to get into another relationship. Because you're ashamed of yourself, you don't love yourself, it's very easy to make bad relationship choices and settle for less than you deserve.

So I say buy a cheap pair of shoes and go for a run. Do something for YOU. And remember that you're still the same person on the inside. Just a little beat up for the time being.

ShootingStar1

I'd say take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Do something special for yourself each day - and it doesn't have to cost money. What it does cost is taking care of yourself, and that is worth every minute.

Take a flower from a garden and stick it in a water bottle if you don't have a vase. Find a favorite new radio station and play what YOU like. Get a special tea and a special teacup and make a routine of having tea and thinking good thoughts - whatever floats your boat. Buy a new scented bubble bath. Bask in the peace without having to endure the chaos of you XABF. That silence itself can be healing, if you let it.

You didn't get branded by this guy or this experience. There isn't a tattoo on you that says "failure". This was just something that you've gone through that happened. It was unpleasant. It is done.

Now is the time to wring out of this seeming disaster all the wisdom you can get from what happened, what about you let it happen, and then on to how can you transform yourself out of the crucible of wisdom that you have just been immersed in.

It's like you are telling a child who misbehaves, "YOU are BAD." Not, that BEHAVIOR is unacceptable, and here's what to do instead." You are telling yourself that you are BAD, and then to top it off, you are rubbing salt into that wound and telling yourself that because you were "BAD", you are now and always will be worthless.

It just t'ain't so. Take all that energy and turn it outward to heal, to grow, to look at what's going on, what's possible instead of flagellating yourself.

What I'm finding, as I'm now 7 weeks away from my AH, having left a beautiful house that I built, gardens, everything lovely I took 20 years to create - what I'm finding now is that surprises are everywhere. I don't need my furniture that I thought I couldn't live without. I can get interesting used stuff and paint it, make it just like I want. I could have a brass bedstead! (From a second hand store or craig's list) Wow!

We're here for you, come often and read, post often, these wonderful people never tired of telling me the same thing over and over when I couldn't get past a difficult question, and they are wonderful.

You're with kindred souls now,

BothSidesNow

GettingBy

Sending big hugs out your way. I am in a similar position. Left behind the big beautiful house in the upscale neighborhood.... Renting a tiny house in a nice neighborhood. It's been a major change for me and the kids. I've taken on a whole new job working outside the home. There is very little left of our "old" life.

I'm completely rebuilding from the ground up. It's scary and sad at times. And I have to dig down daily to find patience. I would love to be loved again too... But now is not the time. Now is my time for healing and growth.

That's all I can add... You are not alone.

NWGRITS

I spent the first 27 years of my life in a dysfunctional home with an AM (save for breaks for college and occasionally living outside the home, but I always came back to take care of my aging grandmother). While not an addict myself, I developed many of the same traits I despise in AM, and made some less-than-stellar choices in my life. Do I have regrets? Absolutely. Did I take on unhealthy relationships because I felt unloved and unworthy of healthy ones? Yes ma'am.

But like everyone here has said, it's all in my past and the best I can do is move forward with a man who truly loves me for me because I've learned to love myself. I tried for so long to push through school trying to prove myself to AM, and all it got me was worn out and grumpy. I've become comfortable in being a Navy wife, a mother to all of our kids (we have two each, plus one on the way in November), and working outside the home for my own money and "me" time. For once in my life I'm happy.

My change in thinking came from my therapist, God bless her. I would always go in saying, "I'm this." or "I'm that." She finally cut me off and said, "'I am" is a permanent statement. You are defining yourself with 'I am' statements, and I highly doubt that you are 'broken.' What do you think of when you hear the word 'broken'? Is that how you want to define yourself for the rest of your life?" Talk about powerful words, especially when she was writing everything down on a dry erase board for me to see. That was my Aha! moment, and I've been working on these things ever since.

You'll get there. It just takes time.

marie1960

I have struggled with shame and embarrassment also. The whole what was I thinking? How could I be so wrong? Feelings of complete ignorance, I could go on and on.

But as the wonderful people here at SR pointed out to me, We can not let another's disease DEFINE us. It may have sucked us in for a bit, but it is not our cross to carry thru all the rest of our life.

Personally, I am writing it off as one of the most out of control, humbling experiences of my life. I thank God each day that it is behind me.

Sure hope you join me in rediscovering the new life that awaits.
We have to let go of the past if we really want to make our future count.
Wishing you all good things.

BlueSkies1

No need to feel so despondent...

I have sacrificed too, made choices, dealt with the fallout, suffered, and I'm still here...so are you!

Now that little place you live in...what's wrong with that? I bet it has some cute character going on somewhere in there, and if not, nothing is stopping you from doing a little here and there to make it from a house to a home. Make it yours, and be proud of it. Paint stores sell paint at a discount when they make a mistake. Thrift stores sell all kinds of great stuff, super cheap. Even on a super tight budget, if you have $5, you can do one small thing to make it yours somehow, until you can afford the next $5 item. Garage sales are going on!
It's not how much money you pour into the place, it's how much care you give it...give it a scrubdown, old vintage appliances and all.. Just like our new lives. I've seen the cutest kitchen curtains at thrifts, as I shop there often. People donate wonderful stuff, from antiques to brand new still in the package.
One little african violet on the windowsill, and you will have beautiful color, and something to nurture, be proud of that you are taking care of it, and making it flourish.
So with yourself...one baby step at a time to re-invent you. (Gosh this is good advice, I should take it!)
Put on something you like to wear that you think you look good in. Do any little thing to improve your looks and health.
I gave up so many monetary things...you don't even want to hear it, the list is huge.
My little place is cute. It has character, and darnnit, so do I, and so do you!

BodkinVanHorn

Oh, dear, Life is tooo short to be regretful. Sometimes I feel a fool. I've spent the past 17 years of my adult life being a hot mess and in relationships with addicts. But what matters is that now I realize. And so do you. But I understand. For me I have this overwhelming feeling, like, everyone knew and they know I'm some kind of weirdo who goes in for addicts? And it makes it hard to deal. But...We can't change the past. But we can learn from it!
What matters is that you can move forward.
And I second MadeOfGlass's advice.
Second hand shops are sooooo fun.
Some curtains one week.
A throw rug next week.
Or paint. Or a bookshelf.
Or make a display area for family art!
Just take it one day at a time.
And Hugs to you.

Thelma

Never EVER be ashamed of how far you have come. Dont be ashamed of food stamps or Medicaid. It's there for people who need it. Hold your head up and straighten your shoulders. You are doing what you need to to take care of your children.

You're taking classes to insure a better future for yourself and them and a little help along the way is nothing to be ashamed of.

As far as the dating goes, I wont comment on it either way except to say that nobody knows if you're ready but you. Lawyer? He went to school as you are now. He just got there sooner with less speed bumps along the way. You will get there as well. Have faith in yourself. Stay strong. Praying for you.

keepingmyjoy1

Everything looks different when we change how we look at things.

I viewed myself as a stable, educated, successful person.

You still are! You are the same person you were...you just have some wounds!

Am I ever going to feel proud of myself again?

Absolutely! You can feel proud now! Ok, you made a bad choice, but you pulled yourself up by the boot straps and changed it! Awesome! So many have not been able to do that. You can feel proud about that.

You have found a way to take care of yourself and your daughter. You can feel proud about that! Even if it is not how you want it to be right now, you made excellent choices to take care of you and your daughter. You can feel proud about that!

You have more strength than you realize. Look at what you have accomplished and feel proud about that! Set your goals, and work toward them, even it it will take some time to reach them. Walk with your head held high my friend! You got out of a situation that left you shell shocked. There are many who have not been able to accomplish that yet.

You can feel proud now! Just let yourself really feel it! Hugs.

ilovehim1104

Acceptance is key.....hard for me but they are who they are and even though we went through all the bad with them ...doesn't define us at all. Your doing a great job with your kids and when its time when you have healed yourself you will beable to feel worthy again of any mans love actually healing time you may ask yourself how did I ever get hung up in al of that to begin with. Defintely read co dependency books al-anon meetings are good to help us change how we see ourselves and how taking care of us is most important...I am on my journey through that now so good luck nd best wishes! Remember we are a product of our past but does not have to define our future!

changeschoices

Thank you everyone for responding!! I feel better having read here and I am going to cut and paste the responses and print them out to read when I'm having a low moment. I felt very bad yesterday.

Today, I am not going to have a cigarette. If I can make it through today, I can probably get up tomorrow and deal with making it through tomorrow without smoking either. So today, I am doing something about my health in this way. I also made a huge bowl of sauteed veggies fresh from my ex-husband's (not the A!) garden and had it on pasta for lunch.

Tonight, my girls are having a sleepover with friends. I am going to make homemade pizza for them and they are going to bake brownies. I plan to mop and vacuum the floors in the main areas of my little house tonight so that everything looks better and smells fresh, even though the wood floors are really beat and scratched in this house. And then I'm going to bed early! To catch up on all the sleep I've missed during 2.5 years of life with an addict. I honestly think I'm going to need to spend the next year sleeping as much as humanly possible in order to feel normal again.

I love all the ideas for making my new place cozy and homey. I did make kitchen curtains last week out of a $12 shower curtain. Have you ever noticed how expensive curtains can be?! So I bought a fabric shower curtain covered in a bright yellow flower pattern and got out my sewing machine and made four curtains. It's unbelievable how things like that are what make a house feel like a home.

I know I made a mistake and it's okay to make mistakes, but it's awful to think that I made such a HUGE mistake over 2.5 years. On the other hand, I did leave, I did it, I got out!

I think I have absorbed my AX's shame and sickness and I think that the way I'm feeling right now is the way he's felt all along as an alcoholic. I know that living with him made me stressed and miserable, but I didn't realize til I got away from him that I had really become sick along with him. I guess now I know how he feels, to some extent. It's awful. I am so grateful that I am not an alcoholic and I imagine I'll get better slowly, but I will get better.

Thanks again, everyone! I don't know what I'd do without this board.

NYCDoglvr

You deserve a lot of respect for getting this person out of your life. Ok, it would have been better to have done it earlier but the point is you've done it. There are two issues here: loosing the externals in life, which you'll find aren't that hard to get back. The much bigger problem is how you feel about yourself.

It helps to compare yourself to yourself, not to other people, We get self-esteem by taking "esteemable" actions, so I suggest jumping into recovery. Nobody but you has to know what happened, so stop telling others the details. Keep the details here and in Al-anon. I've been sober 20 years and keep the details of my story to the rooms of AA.

One of the biggest tools I have is "One day at a time". I don't drink today and I reel my mind back into today. I let go of people today. Let the past go, there's nothing you can do about it; shame is such a useless emotion. You've reached bottom, now you're moving back up! You've taken huge steps and deserve a big hug!

Active alcoholism is pure self-hate and self-destructiveness. My hat off to you for understanding how it works...........

LuvMySis

Oh ChangesChoices, I'm so glad to hear from you. I was feeling pretty bad about your post yesterday, because I could relate. It's really cool that you made curtains out of a shower curtain. It used to be that we had to buy expensive magazines to get decorating ideas. Now all of those magazines have on-line galleries that are free.

One other thing I thought of to help is if you can get an inexpensive facial serum that helps treat wrinkles, increases firmness, etc. Beauty products always help me feel better.

Hypatia

Shame can be a difficult feeling to deal with. Many years ago, a book by John Bradshaw was recommended to me and I found it very helpful. You might want to see if your local library has it. It is called "Healing the Shame That Binds You".