itsmylifenow

A few days ago I posted how I'd found out the xABF had slept with his xgf and that I blocked him and wrote him to stay out of my life. The next day I started looking for him, had to find a reason to call and talk to him. Went to talk to my therapist yesterday and she is concerned with my reactions over being done one minute and needing him 24 hours later.

Appears I have a major addiction to him. Probably no surprise there.

So, if I want to be healthy, if I want to get out of this I have to break it off and get past all the feelings of when I want to be with him.

It was difficult this morning to say the least. I'm crying hysterically on the outside while not wanting to walk away on the inside. Between words of him saying he loved me, he started to put the blame on me. I didn't want to commit, I didn't act like I wanted him around, I wanted to be with my friends or my family over him.

Inside I feel all turned around. Trying to decipher the words of "love" intermingled with words of nastiness. My mind is such a mess right now, I don't know what to believe.

I try to remember - master manipulator. Controller of my life. Liar. Cheat. Needy. Nasty. Oh, and of course, alcoholic and pothead.

And, as I sit here no less than an hour after leaving him, I feel that desire to call him. To tell him I was screwed up and yet the fact I think that really does make me feel screwed up inside.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I just need somewhere to go with this. I've only just begun...I have to work on getting rid of the addiction to him. I have to learn how to distract myself when the need comes to call him or to drive by his house or see where he's at. THIS is why I needed to break up with him. Because these are not healthy feelings for me to have and I need to learn how to break them before they break me.

Need.to.really.let.go.this.time.

BlueSkies1

You know, there is a part of breaking up that really is about experiencing the suffering. You do have to go through it, you can't go around it, or go back to him a a means to alleviate the suffering.
You do have to simply hurt, at first.
But it won't be like that forever. You can start your recovery as soon as you want to. I suggest NOW.
You can do both these things simultaneously--hurt for him, and recover from him.
This is when you have to use your intellect, not just your emotions.
It's a hard thing to learn, but you can do it!

mrsbrownie

((((HUGS))))))

i totallly feel you, i have the same emotions after my xabf broke up with me. its been 21 weeks now, there are days that i wanted to pick up the phone and call him, drive by his house to see if he is there, wanting to know where he is since i used to know where he is at every single minute when we were together. i miss him so much, being with him, around him, i miss our wonderful times. but he traded me for someone who is an addict like him, when i decided to stop enabliing him.

i dont believe people in this community, my friends and family who were supposrtive of my situation that "things will get better as days pass"....but you know what it truly does...the me missing him part is still there...but the feelings will eventually subside.

just hang in there, i had my share of many a sleepless nights right after the break up. the only way to go through it is to go through it...cry if you must, feel sad if you must, but the NO CONTACT rule really did help me out.

take care and peace to you.

dandylion

Hi. Madeofglass and Mrs.Brownie are correct. Listen to them. I have, also, been in your shoes.

RIGHT NOW IS THE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD INSTEAD OF YOUR HEART.

Keep yourself distracted! I made a list of the "bad" parts of the relationship and read them over, and over, and over....... whenever the urge to contact came up.

You can get through this if YOU DECIDE TO.

Remember that the grief of breaking up hurts (like h***) for a while and then, eventually goes away----BUT, the pain of living in a relationship with an addict goes on, and on, and on forever.......

dandylion Keep posting as much as you need to. You are not alone!

itsmylifenow

I am looking for a reason to call him already...I believe he has my folding chair in his car.

Where does this addictive need come from? How is it possible that I could get an addiction on another person like this? I've read lots of stuff...is it because he is mean to me then nice to me? It's crazy. If I can't stand this a few hours in....I need a distraction. Maybe taking my kids to the park will work.

ZiggyB

Good luck with getting rid of him for good.
You should perhaps read up on love addiction and codependency

whatever you do, NO CONTACT is the only way to go!

dandylion

Yes! take the kids to the park. Do anything to stay distracted. Reread the responses you have gotten so far---they are really right on. I say make the list of the "bad" parts of the relationship----and keep reading them over and over.

My dear you really do need to do a lot of reading and education yourself about the nature of addiction and co-dependency. You could REALLY use a alanon meeting right now, also.

NO CONTACT is the healthiest thing for you right now. Think of your kids!

keep posting as much as you need to.

dandylion

marie1960

Only You can decide when enough is enough.

He has shown you who he truly is, he has disrespected you, he is a liar, and a cheat. And yet you continue to keep contacting him. I am sorry, but you really need to focus here. This is now about YOU. YOU are accepting his unacceptable actions, in essence you are giving him the permission to continue to his unacceptable behavior, as nothing he does seems to drive you away. He will keep sh*tting on you as long as you allow it.

Keep telling yourself, "He's no prize, he is a loser, I deserve better." Often we give the alcohol too much credit, even without the booze this guy would still be a liar and a cheat, certainly not worthy of being a lifetime partner. Please start thinking about yourself, do things that add value and meaning to YOUR life.

Give yourself permission to go forward. Your kids deserve a mom who is happy, this guy will only bring misery to all of your lives.

It will hurt for a bit, but nothing compared to the lifetime of hurt that awaits you and your kids, if you don't find a way to break free.

When you get the urge to call him, do anything but call him, phone a friend, have a book handy you can read, go for a walk, a drive, take a bath, clean the kitchen, go wash the car, anything but call him. You can do this. It's baby steps, but after a day or two of no contact, you will be feeling better about how you are handling your emotions. Give yourself some credit here, you really can choose not to contact him.

Keep posting, we are hear and listening.

LifeRecovery

This week is two years since I found out my ex-husband (who struggles with alcohol) was back in touch with the woman he had had an affair with.

This is what helped me get through the next six months
-Al-Anon (learning detachment helped all the way around)
-Therapy (individual and for a bit individual with our marriage counselor)
-Reading about addiction/alcohol etc
-Reading about affairs
-Reading about all sorts of other topics that come with the above. One that I wish I had had in the early stages like you are in is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

No contact = No new hurts.

I slowly needed to learn that I needed to believe his behaviors, not what he said. That was a rude awakening and very painful.

I learned a lot about the grief cycle.

I hate that a lot of the healing was just about time.....this is not easy, please be gentle with yourself. I did a lot of zoning out (I don't have a TV, but got Netflix and watched the entire series of Grey's Anatomy).

mv6348

It is NOT easy... that I know!


Take care and if you love yourself and love him, LET GO!

Let go because you need to take care of you.

I will not say don't call him, or don't do this and that.... (that is like telling a kid don't each chocolate and then that is ALL they way)... rather try to see it as TAKE all of that energy and focus on YOU! YOU is all you need at the moment.

It is also your recovery and the hardest part is the beginning...

BIG HUGS!

itsmylifenow

Thanks so much for everyone's support. This was a tough first day. I did end up talking to him and as the conversation went from being on the sad side to starting to go into the past and head into an argument my attitude started to change. It's definitely easier not to maintain contact when you are angry at someone than it is when you are sad and missing them.

I'm so tired of hearing about something that happened 6 months ago or a year ago. He doesn't seem to be able to ever forgive, move on or let anything go. Not my problem anymore.

I have to also stop doing the one thing I've done every other time we've broken up, focusing on him. Wondering what he's doing, who he's with, etc. Biggest change I need to make is to turn the focus on me and what I need to do to fix myself instead of giving a crap about him.

artygirl

The best way to learn how to focus on yourself and build your life again as a whole person is to go to Al Anon. I have been going for a year and a half and I never imagined I could be so content and happy on my own, but I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have done a lot of work on my Co Dependency issues. I believe it would be helpful to you as well. Try to focus on yourself and your kids. A support group is key....

TakingCharge999

Keep going to therapy..

I have been out 3 years and some months now.. no longer counting thank God...

It never felt as if I could move on but I did and life keeps being an adventure but I DO NOT REGRET leaving a toxic person out of my life..... life is short.. to spend it suffering all the time. And being close to an active addict (and in a voluntary situation) is a guarantee of suffering.

Hugs, you can move on, you are already moving on. The first weeks and months suck but it gets so much better

LifeRecovery

This part was really hard for me and I spent months "worried" about him. Worrying is my hook into my own craziness, and by that point it was not desired by him.

Slowly I realized that if I did not direct some of that energy toward me I was going to continue to be taken advantage by him (especially in the divorce).

I struggled feeling mean, feeling spiteful etc. In reality a lot of that was me growing a backbone.

This is why (and it took time, eight months or so) no contact helped. It was not something I could do though at first....it took time, repeated fights and hurt with contact for me to learn it.

So don't beat yourself up with how you are feeling, it is normal and part of the grieving process. The rest will come also.

NYCDoglvr

itsmylifenow .......

You've perfectly described what it's like for an alcoholic to stop drinking. Alcoholism & codependency are two sides of the same coin.

SoaringSpirits

I had a really great session with my counselor where we talked about this, how I kept getting myself 'hooked' back in with my husband. She and I talked about this concept, and how it was like velcro, which is also referred to as "hook and loop closure." If you pull velcro apart, you will see that one side is tiny soft loops, and the other side is hard hooks. And when you get these sides together, they close fast and hold tight. But fold the loop side back upon itself and it does not stick. Fold the hook side back upon itself and it does not stick.

In my situation my AH is the hook side and I'm the loop side. So I started being mindful of this, not letting myself get hooked and attached and drawn back to him over and over.

I literally visualize myself as a hard, white, smooth piece of plastic whenever I feel myself leaning toward being hooked in again. Velcro loops (my AH) can't stick to smooth plastic, and vice versa. It sounds totally corny but it really has helped!

Another tool my counselor taught me was for something called "flooding." It's when you are really caught up emotion, fear, longing, etc. The draw to the A and all that. The "missing" them and the loneliness. This is a tool taught to people to help them cope with PTSD. Stop and look around you and make mental inventory of your surroundings, ie, "I see a window. There is a rug in front of it and a brown dog laying on the rug. Outside the window is grass and a swingset. The sky is blue and clear." This activates the "thinking" higher part of your brain versus the "reptile" lower brain. When I find myself longing for my AH and thinking of an excuse to call him, or feel flooded with emotion, etc I take a moment and do an inventory of my surroundings and get my brain to change gears. It really works and helps, and it's such a simple tool that you can do anywhere.