grizz

You all know the story of a frog in a pot of water? If you slowly raise the temperature on the stove, the water will eventually boil and the frog will croak (no pun intended) However, if you boil the water first and then put the frog in, it will jump out to safety. I think I am a frog that has been in the pot for awhile. If I were to look at what my marriage as the starting point of a relationship and where it is right now, there is no way that I would stick my toe in to test the water.

grizz

coffeeclouds

This is exactly how I have been describing my life. For many years the water was heating up and I didn't know it. Then, I made some of my own changes, continuing my education, and when finished with that time (it was very intense, working and education kept me away from home many hours during the week, and I learned how to function in the outside world) I tried jumping back into the pot. Well, it was HOT! At first I thought I was crazy, thinking it was me being overly sensitive, but eventually, I saw that I was just neck deep in hot water. Now I am out and things are much cooler.

Inthepit108

Good analogy. Yes I feel like the frog and I after 27 years together, I am about to croak. The thing is I saw all the warning signs back then the first time he turned on me with his self-centered nasty behavior and I put up with it. I knew he was an alcoholic when we started dating but I had such low self-esteem and he has such a strong over-the-top personality that I bathed in his presence. He still has that personality to the public. Only I see the broken man that he really is but even with me he can fool me into believing he has it all together. It is like being held captive and not being able to escape. Why? Because we choose not to escape, it is too difficult and hurts too much to escape. Beginning a new life at 54 years old, well thats seems inconceivable to me right now. So if you are young, don't wait as long as I have. Jump out of that boiling water. My plan is to take it a day at a time and try to make a life outside of this house, work on my independence and self-esteem and maybe one day I will jump out of the water too.

OhBoy

ribbit!

scopikaz

makes me think of the eagles song hotel california.
"You can check in any time you want, but you can never leave."

BlueSkies1

I suppose it is our just "desserts" if we spend too much time bathing in somebody else's ego. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Love your visuals Grizz.

FireSprite

Yes, & I remember saying this to AH at one point before he got sober. Just matter-of-factly.... if I were to meet you now I wouldn't have anything to do with you, you aren't at the same person that I met & fell in love with. It was a sad realization when I heard it come out of my mouth. It made me realize that I really needed to seriously consider leaving the relationship, that my reality was very far from my intention/expectation.

Tuffgirl

Good heavens, me neither!

I could have saved 5 years of madness and put that energy toward my own life and my kids.

grizz

" Beginning a new life at 54 years old, well thats seems inconceivable to me right now. So if you are young, don't wait as long as I have. Jump out of that boiling water. My plan is to take it a day at a time and try to make a life outside of this house, work on my independence and self-esteem and maybe one day I will jump out of the water too"
Yeah I know what you mean. Im 50, been married 28 years. But with all the BS that has been going on lately the water is boiling a lot more violently to the point where this frog might get swept away over the edge.


grizz

Cyranoak

It's the perfect simile for how it happened with me. I never even noticed the water come to a boil, and now I've got 3rd degree burns on 100 percent of my psyche.

BobbyJ

Grizz: I've said the same EXACT word's as you have - many time's!

That part, (where your 54 and have been married 28 year's of it). Yep,
those word's are the one's that made me feel, yucky, lost, and wondering
what my purpose in life was.

It feel's like "identity theft".
"Im not a wife, Im not a lover, Im not a full-time mom,
I dont have a "family", and RatsAss, what am I gonna do for the holiday's
...Im never going to have anniversary again...
OMG - This list goes on.... My mind had MAJOR - MIND CHATTER!!!!

Some may say I sat on the "pity potty"
I believe it's more of sitting on the "grieving potty" - It's a hole new way of learning
life, at this age. Bouncing and dropping at this age, is something that I never dreamed
of at this age....

And one of the worst thing's I did, was compare my divorce to a friends divorce.

A divorce that hold's a bag of "Addiction" is not the same as the divorce of a couple that has just fallen out of love (etc excuse) with each other.
The word "CUNNING & BAFFLING" is not a common word in (normal divorces)

So= I get ya dude! - I really do! - But hang in there, the pot doesn't boil forever!

I alway's try to look at it this way ...."God, gave me another chance in life - *****"
I might not like it somedays, but somedays, I actually love the living frog-doo out of it!

TCB5568

I'm so glad you posted this because this is something I 've been actually feeling guilty about and couldn't understand how I never noticed how HOT and dangerous the "water" was and now the problem is jumping out of the pot. Great now I will always remember this frog story..thanks

lillamy

That's why one of the most helpful things anyone has said to me was when someone asked "if a complete stranger treated you like your AH is treating you -- what would you do?"

That sort of drove the point home for me.