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Yikes AW Has Gotten Sober--and I Like Her

Old 08-22-2012, 12:48 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Yikes AW Has Gotten Sober--and I Like Her

Oh boy, AW just got sober after almost 2 years of destructive vodka drinking. I moved out in May and I have my own apartment, while she continues to live in our nice suburban house which we own 50/50.

This past Sunday I took her to church with my grandma, something I have continued to do whether she is sober or not, and I am seeing that "real person" that I originally fell in love with -- yikes! She is hoping to save our marriage, with the usual expectation that I forgive and forget the incredible amount of pain, foolish behavior, and infidelity (which she denies to the bitter end) that destroyed our marriage.

The funny thing is, I'm attracted to her in this sweet and sober state and apparently I have amnesia as far as our many "trust issues". What the heck is wrong with me? Is this love or raging codependence?

I'm doubling down on my Al Anon meetings (2X per week) and I KNOW I need to stay away and let her recover on her own. But the wierd thing is how much easier it was getting if she stayed drunk, and now it's getting tricky because she's sober -- which of course is what I have always wanted for her!

I need to set some serious boundaries or this could get messy. Not to mention every sane person I know, friends and family of mine, who will have me committed to the nut house if I get back on the merry go round.

Yet when I was with her Sunday, and we were hanging around our house together, and she was being thoughtful and productive and hopeful, I was really tempted. OMG. You would think I was back in high school and the pretty cheerleader just talked to me. This is crazy!

Fortunately I have my apartment rented through February 1. So I can keep my distance, which I know I need to do. But it would be very easy to start "dating" her again, especially because that's what she wants really bad, and clearly I still have feelings too.

I am actually jealous of people who get divorced and they both just go their separate ways. A chance to start over. I haven't been able to do that, I'm stuck in this limbo that pretty darn wierd.

I'm kind of afraid to post this, this is difficult to admit, and I know it's crazy. But what the heck, it's true.

There's also the possibility that she'll do something awful (i.e. lying, unfaithful, drinking again, etc.) that will send be back to a neutral corner...but in the meantime, this is getting kind of complicated.

Is this as crazy as it sounds?

Thanks for listening . . .
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:52 PM
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More to be revealed, dj. Take it slow and steady.

I fell in love again with my now ex husband after I moved out. Unfortunately, he could only maintain the facade for about 4 months at a time before the ugliness appeared again. I am glad this time around I followed the good advice of others and waited and watched. Enough of a pattern was set for me to realize he may have stopped drinking, but he hadn't changed much from the drunk mean guy he was.

Enjoy the pleasantness and take it one day at a time. You don't have to rush headfirst into the relationship again.

Good luck! ; )
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:54 PM
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How do you know she's sober 24/7? Maybe she's just sober when she knows she will be around you.

Give it time and judge by her actions and stay in your head.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:55 PM
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Exactly what TG said. Nothing crazy about it at all. But, and there's always a but, no need to jump off the deep end. If this is a lasting change, and you two are meant to be, it will happen. I can't think of anything worse than moving to quickly only to end up all hurt and disappointed again. Can you?

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Old 08-22-2012, 12:58 PM
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Thanks Tuffgirl.

That is one thing I learned, go slow, one day at a time, count my blessings, find joy in the little things.

I do have my ace in the hole, I am legally separated (which in my state is 99% divorced as far as money and finances are concerned), which means that whether she gets better or not, the really hard part is over! I feel much more freedom to speak freely in my own self interest -- and less responsible for her and her problems.

I can't imagine getting "remarried" or "undoing" the legal separation, no freaking way. But having a relationship and being together, maybe?
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:19 PM
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I can't imagine getting "remarried" or "undoing" the legal separation, no freaking way. But having a relationship and being together, maybe?
Yeah, I was at that point as well, thinking about what sort of relationship I could have and still feel safe. What woke me up was I couldn't think of any. We even went on a couple of dates but I found when I was around her, even when she was being nice, I still felt very tense. It got me thinking, is this even worth it?

Still, I gave it some time and about 3 months later filed for divorce.

Your friend,
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:32 PM
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6 months is a lifetime to some and a split second for others. I had that same conversation and 2 months later she is having affairs and calling me crazy. Then I started the divorce process. Enjoy the dates, use the time that is on your side.
Use that time...
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:43 PM
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I dated my ex (post divorce) during a promising stretch of sobriety. Good thing I didn't ask her to move back in cuz she relapsed.

BTW,, why did you move out? If I were you I would move back in right now, then kick HER out if she relapses. Your separation clock would be reset but you would be back in the house.
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:07 PM
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Dude.
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:08 PM
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I hope it works out for you. I think most of us have been a negitive attitude about seeing a real change because most of us have been burned over and over.....I have gotten my hopes up so many times only to return to the same ol ....!! I think my XABF was willing to make the change everytime bc it got so bad he had no choice but as soon as things were looking up and confidence returned then back to the crap! I truly hope for you things will be different! I also know that it does happen! But I understand how you feel bc I was there many times....seeing the person I loved but never understood how I overlooked the cheating! However, I did it many times but in the end for me it was only more of the same and the pain grew worse bc I invested more! Best wishes to you that she will change and remained a changed women.
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:31 PM
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Dear djayr, have you thought of throwing yourself into a program of your own recovery and self-exploration? A nice "side-effect" would be to keep your focus off your wife, during this time, and to keep you "strong"--LOL. All of us need to do this, anyway.

Sorry j, but I don't remember if you are going to alanon? Those on the board can certainly recommend the best materials for you to study. Just ask us....

If you are scared of backsliding prematurely---maybe you should reconsider limits on time spent in intimate environments. Dude--you are tempting fate spending alone time with "the high school cheerleader" I am not a guy, but I am just saying.......

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Old 08-22-2012, 11:55 PM
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Do you see her just on Sundays at church?
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:37 AM
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Hi Djayr,

I too have been in your shoes and know EXACTLY what you are feeling. If wishes were horses we would all be riding today.

I spent 4 years with my XA codie helicoptering his recovery and under my expert management he would manage to get as long as one year of sobriety. However, now I realize that it REQUIRED my constant vigilance and best detective skills that in my mind would no longer be necessary once he "arrived" at that place where he would personally would be a rock of recovery.

I was the sober police or I was the clean up squad mopping up the messes he made of our lives. Drink, detox, rehab, sobriety, occasional real recovery, relapse... throw in a jail cell, hospital visit or dui to spice it up on occasion... rinse and repeat ad nauseum.

The last stint he was a poster child for recovery and had been seperated for 8 months and we moved back into together into his dream home (mine was on the coast and his was in the center of huge golf community) and 10 days later he relapsed and ended up in Vegas for a 3 month binge.

That was the final deal breaker for me. He WAS sober again for 3 months after ANOTHER rehab and has been working it HARD to get me to take him back. I just saw him for the first time in 6 months and my brain chemicals and hormones still light up like a Christmas tree but I did not GO THERE despite his best efforts and tears.

I told him that when he got his 1 year chip verified by sponsors I would attend the AA meeting wherever it was in the country.

We had to conclude some business and sign some contracts and that gave his some cash from my account to his. He drove off into the sunset and didn't make it 500 miles and he was in a casino and shocker of all shockers is drinking and gambling!

It's what they do. They drink. We are so surprised when they don't stop... but the vast majority don't. They don't want to. He will never give it up. He can stop. She can stop. Stopping is NOT the problem. It's staying stopped. They don't want to.

It's simple. It took me 4 years, 50 gallons of tears, lots of pain and anxiety, tens of thousands of dollars, 100's of hours of therapy, reading on this website and books.

So simple. They drink. We hate it. It destroys everything. They don't want to stop. We don't want to leave. So we stay and suffer until it erodes and destroys us and we have to finally break through our own denial.

My ex? Oh... He got a DUI leaving the casino. He called to tell me he LOOOOOOOVES me and other quacks. And can I send him money?????

Blocked his new drunk friend's cell phone number.

Going to go play golf now. Good luck to you in your journey. Keep your distance and watch from afar and create a new life for yourself as you watch the one you love as ACTION and not words are what counts. Time will tell... we should do one of those grids like they do in a football pool. At least one of us would make some money on our A's promises of sobriety and recovery!
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:51 AM
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Yours may be that case in a milliion in which the alcoholic realizes they should put their relationships with others instead of the evil genie that comes out of the bottle first.
But since it is one case in a million...remember how manipulative "I dream of Genie" was...lol
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:44 AM
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Someone said in a meeting at work yesterday that so and so "drank the kool-aid". That one statement stayed with me all night and this morning, because that's exactly how I felt. I drank the kool-aid over and over again. And when I finally started to come out from under the effects of the kool-aid, the ex quickly changed tactics from loving husband wanting to work on a reconciliation to full blown dry drunk (at least he told me he wasn't drinking). All his resentments came pouring out of him - things he perceived me "doing to him" over the course of our relationship. And emphasis on perceive. He was on a roll, and for good measure threw some scriptures in there justifying divorce - that God has called upon him to "be free". It was truly madness, and again I am grateful I waited so this time, all I had to do was walk out the door, get in my car, and drive away for good.

That was 15 months after I moved out of his house because of his alcoholism. Finding emotional sobriety can take a long time for many. Apparently for my ex, 15 months wasn't near enough time, and also the realization this may be the best it gets.

Just proceed cautiously. She hasn't been sober long enough to make any significant changes yet. She may be riding along on her pink cloud right now, and that's a phase that doesn't last.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:50 AM
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My parents divorced while my mom was "trying to get sober".....it wasn't pretty.....she nearly died.

They were divorced for 5+ years.
My mom has been sober now for 8+ years.
They got remarried about 3 years ago.
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Old 08-23-2012, 01:02 PM
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Hi djayr - glad to see you again!

I had to refresh my memory and went back to your 1st post. Some pretty crazy stuff there for sure. But when I got to this part, I just had to copy and paste it here....

So she moved out, she is quite distraught, and I am getting papers drawn up as we speak. I can't wait to be divorced. Even if she could sober up and convince me to forgive her, there is NO WAY, and I mean NO WAY, that I would be STUPID enough to stay married because if it happened AGAIN, I would literally die.

This is the last time. I mean the last, last time, because of all the previous last times.
Hmmmm?
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Old 08-23-2012, 02:14 PM
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As hard as it is, I wouldn't do anything yet. Stay lovingly detached, let the chips fall where they may.

Who is she and what is she doing when you aren't driving her around and eating up her compliments and charms? Time will reveal this.

Who is to say this isn't just pheromones? Or hormones? (My abusive ex still gave me pants-feelings long after the fact, which really disturbed me. My therapist told me to stick to my guns, and wisely, I did. He's bad news.)

You don't have to make any decisions.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:41 AM
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She is hoping to save our marriage, with the usual expectation that I forgive and forget the incredible amount of pain, foolish behavior, and infidelity (which she denies to the bitter end) that destroyed our marriage. The funny thing is, I'm attracted to her in this sweet and sober state and apparently I have amnesia as far as our many "trust issues". What the heck is wrong with me? Is this love or raging codependence?
If she denies her part of the demise of your marriage then she isn't in any sort of recovery. What the 12 Steps show us is that we're responsible for all our actions and words and also making amends. The onus is on her earning your respect by taking different action. AA's Big Book says "alcohol is but a symptom of our problem........." It takes a great deal of hard work and time to change. I suggest giving her at least a year to see if she'll change but don't be surprised if she relapses.

What's good is that you understand your feelings are part of codependency. For us, denial plays as big a part in our thinking as it does for alcoholics. Ask yourself: is it love or need?
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