friendinned

and i am not sure if I can trust her. Im only keeping in contact with her cause we are 30 years old and have been friends since we were n fifth grade and living on another coast. Ive posted about her before on here but its been awhile. basically she did meth and some other stuff and dated a guy who is an addict also and who has been in prision the last 3 years and s getting back sept 6th. She was never much of a good friend these last 7 years by ignoring me wheever she wanted I assumed she didnt know how to tell me she didnt want to be friends , and later found out it was prob mostly cause she was an addict. we dont have any thing really in common, Her man got locked up up years ago after getting caught with intent to sell and I guess hes been in and out for like ten years, but she has been visiting him in prison and is planning to stay with him. so she called me last week to say she wanted to get together cause she was trying to see her friends before her man gets out cause shes not going to have time to see tus all after he gets out. i went walking with her and she started asking what we will do for going out for our birthdays whih are in oct or nov, and that if i ever marry my boyfriend she wants to be included cause shes planning on livong through m cause if she marries her man her parents dont have a lot pf money and they dont approve of hm of course. its like she doesnt have self worth to expect nice things. I honestly get annoyed when she talks about her addiction, its like honestly have no symphathy for her getting herself addicted. plus i dont understand why its a big part of her life. she also only talks about negative things, and shes skeptical of new things and just acts off. i have come to terms that checking on with her every two months for an hour is plenty but how can she think that Id want her in my wedding someday, after all she doesnt even drink anymore and drinking was never her problem just meth. so id feel bad drinking at events in front her.......anyone else in a similar situation?

FenwayFaithful

Not exactly.

My EXABF is in jail right now as of two weeks ago and will be for who knows how many years. I hope by then I have let him go and he doesn't contact me to see him.

She sounds like she hasn't changed already trying to guilt trip you for a wedding that literally isn't even planned? Not really surprising as addicts love to manipulate...

You don't owe this girl anything just because you've known her so long

My guess is she will and herself back in jail. Most people like that to. I mean she waiting for her drug dealing criminal addict boyfriend so I doubt she will take any positive steps forward.

Why associate yourself with that? You owe her nothing. Tell her you're all set and move on. You dot even sound like you like this girl so why keep her in your life?

friendinned

yes i feel anxious and nervous when i hear from her. i guess i now know i cant trurst her and I I never know whats coming.

betterdayz86

I know how it feels wanting to reconnect with old friends!! But you got to think about your well being first! In my case I relapsed this previous time because I wanted to reconnect with an old grade school buddy.. I told myself I would not feed into temptation so to speak (peer pressure) and literally next thing you know im drinking with him one night and I start smoking some weed and that was just the beggening! It was a downward spiral after that. Best of luck to you! this is actually my first day on here. Glad I could share my experience with you. If you do meet up with her just remember to have self control. best wishes to you!!!!!

Tuffgirl

I reconnected with a long time friend who is also a raging alcoholic about 7 months ago. We hadn't spoken in 5 years. She was working on sobriety but relapsed about 5 months ago and is still drinking today. Here's what our "friendship" looks like: she emails, I respond.

Here's what it isn't: a mutual sharing of each other's lives. She asks about what is going on with me, and responds if I share, but it is very superficial. And then talks about her life (and yes, its mostly negative). We hardly see each other. She can't keep dates...just can't. I know this, so when she tries to arrange a lunch date with me, I always show up, knowing full well she probably won't. I don't trust her at all. I think she'd use me if she needed to - because she is an active addict. We don't have anything in common. We did once, but her life has taken a drastic turn down a completely different path than mine.

So why do I stay "friends"? Honestly...I don't know really. Probably because I have known her for 25 years. And because I know now what I do having been married to an alcoholic, I can understand and have compassion for her without getting too codie in it all. I have no expectations of her either.

So if you want this friend in your life, you'll need to do a lot of compromising to make it work. Have lots of patience, and no expectations. The choice is really up to you.

bonami

It is hard when old friendships change. And I agree with Tuffgirl, you can't have any expectations. My A is a long-time friend and former coworker who recently went through a crisis and then recovery. I missed our friendship but had resigned myself to the fact that he might never again be the friend to me that he once was. I recently saw him again after over a year; we had a great visit and it's possible that if he continues on his current path, I will still be able to maintain a friendship with him. But I am going to continue to keep my expectations low, and just wait to see what else will be revealed.

If you still worry and care about your friend, then I don't think there is anything wrong with checking in on her every few months to see how she is, but if she makes you nervous and apprehensive, then don't spend any more time with her than you need to, and definitely don't ask her to be in your wedding party. Sending strength to you!

scopikaz

Let me tell you, I am in a very similar situation. I posted here a couple of months ago about it. I really should have listened to everyone. Anyhow, my story is that I knew this girl in high school vaguely 25 years ago. Very vaguely. We've been facebook friends for a couple of years. Communicated some, mainly pleasantries, etc. Anyhow, I am now going through a divorce and she reached out to me in March. We began talking and texting alot for several weeks. I came to find out she is an alcoholic and possibly has been doing other things like meth as well. Though she vehemently denies that and I do have no proof of that. Anyhow, she is in an almost 2 year relationship with another guy as well who is an abuser of her (verbally for sure, possibly physically as well - thats what she alludes to for sure). Anyhow, he has no job, hasn't worked in over a year, he too is an alcoholic or addict, has lived off of her for a year (she's unemployed but I believe her parents are now helping to support/enable her). Same situation, her parents and everyone tells her not to be with this guy - but she keeps running back to him. Taking him back. Whichever. When she is good with me, it's really good - but it's on her terms - if she doesn't want to answer, respond to a text, nothing for days or weeks at a time - it's ok with her. I have spent the night with her 3 or 4 times. Two of them just intimate and close, nothing else. The last time about 4 weeks ago was a little different. Anyhow, that said - she's now not talking or responding. And every time I then text and say I know you are back with him, she always responds why do you assume that - says she doesn't love him, etc. The latest thing, she did reach out to me yesterday and tell me she had a job offer and is moving to DC... I mentioned well that's good you must have given a good interview. Now - bear in mind this is with the Dept of Army - and she said, oh no - they just called and offered me the job based on a resume they had on file... sounds like another lie to me.... either just for the sake of lying or maybe she is getting ready to lose her house and she is setting it up where it doesn't sound as bad. I really wish her 80 year old parents would stop enabling her. So - sorry for being so long but that's my story. I'm trying to quit reaching out to her but for some reason just can't do it. Even though she rarely responds these past couple of weeks. I think though if she is with that guy again (likely) that it won't work out - two alcoholics stand little chance of it working out. Heck, one alcoholic stands little chance of a relationship working out with anyone so it seems.

scopikaz

I'm trying to get to a place where Tuffgirl is with her friend. Not EXPECT ANYTHING from my friend. If she texts or calls great. But I only need to let her initiate it, not me. I've been bad about reacting to her. If I send something and don't hear back, I'm bad about then lashing out and saying thanks, I appreciate it, etc, etc. Typically, when I do that she does respond and says whatever and responds in similar manner. I know it's not right of me to react - I just need to detach, try to be her friend, have NO expectations, and let it be at that. Unfortunately, easier said than done.

bonami

I hear you there. My friend told me flat out not to call or email him while he was going through early recovery. I had a hard time with that at first--we used to speak every day!--why was he shutting me out? I had to learn that his behavior had nothing at all to do with me. Even when we re-established contact, it was sporadic and sometimes was purely related to work issues that needed to be resolved. It was hard to turn off my expectation that things would just pick right up where we left off and we'd be in constant contact again, but I finally was able to do so. Since your friend is active in her addictions, her behavior also has nothing to do with you. I am sorry you are struggling with this, sending strength for you!

friendinned

thanks everyone for all of the advice im thinking about all of it. Ive def realized that its on her terms and i cant count on her to me on time etc, so have no expectations. I guess I am also angry at her because basically I got pregant by accident when i was 26 and that is the only drama i have ever had in my life that is equal to a crazy addicts and get this she went and told her parents who are right wing wacks that i was preggo and wasmt going to keep it knowing that i was going over there xmas day. how embrassing! after new years later the next year i did comfront her and i let her know not only about the embrassment but aso the fact that although she supported me the fact that she didnt offer to help me out in any way or even call me till 3 days later really hurt my feelings, she responded with - get ready for this- oh i guess ur feeling lonely, does my mom need to have u over for dinner once a month!!! of course now i know she was probably on drugs at the time. so yea always about her even though thts the only support i ever needed and 3years later she showed up on my door at 5am after she and her man got kicked out of sober living while on meth and i didnt know that at the time and after i kicked him out he took off in her car and left her at my house i finally drove her home but sje insisted she could go looking for him and didnt want to go back.

i also agree with the first comments that shes manipulative because to start trying to plan my wedding that has no existance in any way and say she wants to be inclided and live through me when ive been dating the guy 5 months and all is so odd and by asking what we are doing for our birthdays several months away, its like she wants to make sure im still around. i guess knowing some one for so long its hard to get them out of my life but i think just minoring checking on on the phone or what not is best.