Wahine

So about three weeks ago AH was trying to argue with me. Telling me that he wanted us to start over, forget about the past, start with a clean slate. I was pissed at the time as he had told me to leave for the third time and that I couldn't take our four kids. I was tired of being like a signal parent. Also, he's the one that constantly brings up the past. I told him NO, that I wansn't going to forgive and forget. That I had given up on him and our relationship. I don't remember other conversation details just that I made it clear we didn't really have a future. I have never threatened to leave. I can't work due to illness and have no way to support four kids. So we just live together without a real relationship.

Well, I guess I put a little fear into him. A dramatic change has taken place. First he pouted for a week. Then He cut way back on drinking, stopped trying to engage me in arguments and has actually become pleasant. He has started doing some parenting and has quit complaining. The kids have all been calmer and more pleasant also. I know (esp after 19 yrs of marriage) that it is all temp. But the calm at my house is so nice. I just had to share.

sparklingeyes

Seems like when we finally give up, they change. I'm right with you being I don't give a darn anymore. Sick and tired of it.

outtolunch

The pause that refreshes?

scacra1

I hope one day you find true happiness.. in whatever form you wish.

Pelican

Well, you can hope for the best, while you plan for the worst.

You know this is just a temporary phase of the same old, same old cycle. This cycle will continue to repeat ~ until you do something different.

While you are enjoying a temporary calm, what can you do to prepare yourself for the inevitable return of the down side of his alcoholism?

Have you made any appointments for free consultations with lawyers?
Have you been attending Al anon meetings to learn new skills for coping with your family life?

GettingBy

As the others have posted... the "calm" is part of the dance. An attempt to placate the situation until the drinking can resume.

I went round and round that merry-go-round for years. The only thing that stopped it was when I got off. I would no longer live with alcoholism. I told my XAH I was done - and I meant it. I moved out and he's free to live his life as he choices - as am I.

Inthepit108

I have to agree with everyone else. It is a temporary thing, and false hope. When I put my foot down two weeks ago, he made a temporary change too. I was so excited with the "new him". He paid more attention to me, only drank two beers a day and we were getting along great and having fun but it doesn't last. He swore he would never drink any hard liquor again and today I found the empty bag with the receipt in it printed this past monday for VODKA. So I don't mean to burst your bubble because I know mine was burst but unless they are in a program and committed, alcoholics break their promises and/or go back to their ways when they start to get comfortable or think they got ya.

ZiggyB

Sounds like a familiar scenario to me as well....

I echo everyone else's thoughts, I wish you well but be careful.

Wahine

Thanks to everyone for your comments and replys. I realize this peace and calm is temporary. It was about 7 years ago AH started the heavy chronic drinking that he does now. His quack a couple of weeks ago was, "why should I change, you won't change." His most oft repeated complaint is I don't focus enough on him and our relationship and I don't show him enough attention. When we first got married I told myself that he was just 'high maintenence.'

Ellvk

Oh my gosh.... the "you don't focus enough on me" speech. I know it well. Gross.

SettingSunset

Is it that all the sudden you give up, don't care you begin to focus on what you want and what you are doing?

Living with an alcoholic is no fun when (and if) you are in the mode of protecting your children.

My dad, an alcoholic, always was able to bring a calm. He would have his binge and there would be physical confrontation in our home. After that...a day or so later...things were calm and life was grand. It would happen again, again, and again. My dad tried several times to stop drinking at the VA center. Then he had cancer and died at 63 years old. My mom loved my dad to the day she died...even though the lived apart the past several years before A dad died.

onceuponadream

I also know it well....

AwakeAtLast

Thanks for everyone sharing. Your words reassure my need to keep going to all the different support group meetings to maintain my sobriety.