How to get back to being a "normie"
 

Whew. I'm exhausted at just thinking up the topic. Somebody else start! LOL

Ok, I titled this thread, so I need to step up to the plate and write something.

Ways to get back to being a normie--

1) Nothing calls for an immediate reaction besides saving small children from running out in front of cars. Everything else calls for calm RESPONSE, not REACT.
2) Stop looking specifically for a new drama thread on SR everytime you log in. LOL
3) Stop idly twisting your hair around your finger. It's weird.
4) Stop feeling guilty everytime you have a single glass of wine, as if you are committing a crime.
5) Remember everything happens in good time. Seasons don't change overnight, nor do we. Progress, not perfection.

This is harder than I thought. There's damage control, but not sure I can undo, or unlearn...innocence is gone..but I'm not giving up. One day, maybe years from now, I too will be a normie once again.

Add any ideas you have!

MadeOfGlass, good post. I think your suggestions are right on target. My point of view is slightly different though, in outlook not in the process.

Like you said the damage is done. I don't think I will ever be a normie again simply because I will never be able to unsee what I have seen.

However, what I can do is reach a place of sanity and serenity. A place where I have found my center and can live my life from there. As you said I can respond not react, I can be patient and let things unfold as they will. I will have a different view than a normie though. Anyone who has walked through hell will be changed and I accept that. Not only do I accept that I use it as a tool to live my life with much more skill than I had before. I use it to make me stronger and that is something a normie has not had to deal with.

I think you are on the right path and your recovery is shining through.

:You_Rock_

Your friend,

I don't think I ever was a "normie" - ha ha ha ~

But I think today I have wiser responses rather than survival reactions ~

I know for my continued recovery, I need to keep coming back because "ritaville" continues to try to control my life. For me, I need to allow my HP & my recovery to be in control!

great thread!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

I won't ever again be a "normie", but I will forever be far more cautious with relationships as well as compassionate for others who struggle with addictions. I won't let my experiences define me, but I will learn from them and do my best not to make the same mistakes again. I won't beat myself up over my bad judgement calls, and I will fight my inner gremlins with a hefty dose of gratitude instead.

And in all honesty, I don't regret my life experiences so far; they have made me a better person in spite of it all.

I also agree that I'll never be 'normal'..... being born to an Alcoholic Father who was already years into his addictions never really allowed me that chance. My views have been/will always be skewed by my experiences. I don't have that point in my life that I can reference & say, "See? Here's where normal changed for the worse..."

But that's not necessarily all bad! If I can use those experiences to increase my awareness & ultimately become the best person that I can be, then build on & pass that awareness on so that the cycle breaks here with me & doesn't spread to DD as traumatically then ... HA, HA I WIN! :e124:

Some days I hardly know what to do with myself now that I have so much less drama in my life and getting screamed at - ha!

Let this be the new normal...

I most certainly don't want to become a normie.

I wasn't one when I was born at 11 pounds 4 oz. Never became one in school cause I was considered a nerd and quite often used as the school flag. Became a drugged up, drunk hippie in my early teens, then the military in my late teens. Became proficient in killing, morse code, drinking and drugs. Graduated to alcoholism in my early 20's (if I wasn't already from birth) and finally grew up to adult-hood when I was pushing 30.

Besides who exactly is it that decides what's normal and what's not?

Seriously, I was just twirling my hair in my fingers when I read that.

Thanks Tuffgirl, I needed that today. Every once in a while I find myself wondering how my life would have been had I not made my choices many years ago that has brought me to where I am today. Then the next thought is what I can do, or should do, to be able to undo those choices in order to walk a different path. It really is a case of innocence lost.

But Tuffgirl, you are exactly right because I can't change the past and your last line is precisely what I can do, and I should do, for myself today: And in all honesty, I don't regret my life experiences so far; they have made me a better person in spite of it all

Sometimes that is all I need to feel "normal" again.....a different perspective from another who shares the same path. Thank you for helping me.

I like that FireSprite, because although my father rarely ever drank, he sure had a temper, and I am learning to leave that familiar trait with the dust in the photo albums...takes work though.

I could rephrase to say "return to my personal normie". That would be more accurate. Though your response makes me wonder if you find disdain in being a normie?

haha owathu...I know women suffer from this more than men if for no other reason than that their hair usually isn't long enough to discover this ocd behavior!

MadeOfGlass - I was trying to interject some humor. I apologize if I offended.

I like who I am, but I am based entirely on who I was. I can't go back, only forward. I can make of myself exactly what I want to become, with God's help.

There's the bright side...new skills!

I love not letting your experiences define you. More time, distance, will help me with that.
And that's where I do see the rainbow after the storm--rediscovering me. And I do see a return to my "normal". Sure, never the same as it once was, innocence as well as ignorance lost, but I can already FEEL me returning to me, and that's a good thing.

I did join this bizarre party late--I had a lot of life as a normie previously, as I didn't even know what alcoholism was until I was more than 40...at that point I thought they all lived under viaducts, with a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag, and had NO IDEA how they affected other people.

Most of the time I like to think that my experiences make me who I am, and that the knowledge I have of pain and struggle protects me from the next bad thing and gives me compassion for others. Or, in other words, I don't want to be a normie.

On the other hand, I often think that opportunity has passed me by and that all the important crossroads that could give me a better life are behind me. Or, in other words, I desperately wish I was a normie.

Is ignorance bliss? I don't know. I struggle with this.

I have a bit of a personal problem with the term "normie". What exactly is that? For me, "normie" comes from "normal" which comes from "norm". And that is a sort of average. Who the heck wants to be just average? I certainly don't. ;)

IF "normies" are normal and IF the majority of people I come across in my daily life are normal, then I never want to be that. :) Because of my experiences and traumas, I have come to a place where I strive to be more of what I consider my "higher self." And honestly, I don't know many people at all who strive for that. But, most of them are considered normal.

L

It seems to me that "normie" means healing from the damage of living with alcoholism and/or alcohol abuse...and I do think we do heal...one day at a time. Parts of me may always be a bit confused...maybe that is "normie" too.

Thanks for the post! :thanks

Today I will be a normie by not over reacting...I will think over the issue and approach it calmly.

Today I will be a "normie" by allowing my daughter to experience the consequence of her mistake...I will not take on the problem as if it is mine. I will reflect my success through my calm, loving approach toward her.

Hey thank you Spes. Ya know, I have spent a lot of time with people at the end of their lives, and none of them talked about what they did wrong. They talked about how they loved and were loved. They talked about past mistakes with fondness because those very mistakes always led to something bigger and better. Our mistakes are who we are, and we can embrace them or let them shame us. It is so easy to allow that shame to sneak in (my biggest gremlin) and I simply refuse to allow that to happen.

I don't know about you all here, but I loved my ex husband with all my heart. Isn't that in itself perfection? Isn't that "normal"? Shouldn't that be something I am proud of, even though the relationship itself didn't work out? I loved. Completely. And that's pretty damn brave.

I look forward to feeling that way again. Someday.

I've never known what "normal" is supposed to be. My AM already had 11 years of drinking on the books before I came along. The best I can do right now is try to learn healthy behaviors and pass that onto my children, in an effort to break the cycle. There are some things about myself that I think may be quirky, but they make me, me and I'm not ashamed of that. So, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be totally "normal." It seems awfully boring to me. ;)

As many others posted, after childhood than marriage with alcoholics, I,ll never seem normal. I try and think of ways I can create/behave normal for my kids though:

*Show them you can have an argument/discussion without a fight
*Show them that everyone makes mistakes and it's OK
*think of others feelings and that everything isn't about AH
*When you make a mistake take responsibility for it
*Participate in chores/activities (don't just dictate)

Of course I could go on and on. I quit making excuses for AH last year. My kids are old enough to see through his lies now. I just try and be the best parent that I can.

Thank you for this thread, MadeofGlass, I like it.

In the six months since I told my AH to leave us, I have found myself describing to friends that I'm trying to build a "new kind of normal". It is taking time and, like others have said, I don't think I can ever achieve real "normie" status because I can't unsee what I've seen and I can't forget what I've lived through. And as long as I can remember those experiences in a healthy way (this will also take time) I actually think it will be healthy and constructive and will help me to live a better and safer life.

In the meantime, it's a case of little things changing. Things like:

~ Mummy relaxing and being able to give 100% of me to my precious sons rather than being a coiled spring waiting for the next flare up from AH (actually making me tense up just typing this, as I remember how awful it was)

~ Making the effort to plan things that I enjoy - but that were tainted for so many years - eg going for dinner and to the theatre, because AH tended to wreck them. It's like a revelation each time I go out and just have a lovely time. It's so, so special to me to do that and I have to remind myself that actually, erm, it's just normal.

~ Re-arranging the furniture in the house. AH always sat in a particular chair and got comatosed. I couldn't bear seeing that chair in the corner so I've been through a couple of move-arounds and it has helped. Strange as it sounds, I can actually sit in that chair myself now - but it will never go back into that corner.

~ Playing music that I love, when I want to. And especially, playing silly goofy music with the boys and all dancing around like lunatics and roaring with laughter, especially when we all wiggle our bottoms and do the twist!

~ When the boys have gone to bed, sitting in peace and quiet and soaking up the serenity.

Now, it ain't all good times and it's no bed of roses, but when I can grab these moments of normality, I love it.