NO CONTACT and Learning to SINK or SWIM
 

It's been awhile since I have been on here. Lot's of new change's.

Real Quick Update: Was married to a AH. Been divorced for almost 2 year's now. Went to Alanon, read ton's of book's, prayed day & night, fell to apart, lost who I was, got all of the bills, he got violate, called and called, texted and texted, played the vicous merry go round with a active alcoholic, ran for my life, lived in shame and denial....You got the picture, right!?!?!? - oh yeah! don't forget the hidden vodka bottles!

dang, there's so much I want to write about, but really don't want to bore you to death. In the last 6 months, my life has had it's up's and down's. I have laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. I've had the "sleep" problem, where you don't go to sleep until 3am. I've had the eat problem, where what's the use of cooking, cereal is great. I've had the "turtle shell" syndrome, where I stayed home on the weekend's and slept it all away.

He got out of rehab, then moved away, got fired, went back to round 2 of another rehab, then moved to another far away state. havent seen him in almost 2 years.

After, he got out of his 2 rehab, we began to talk. I thought, I would give him the benefit of doubt. Tried to be nice. It didnt take more than 2 month's of him sober - and all of the "bad" behaviors started to come back.

Like: 20 phone calls a day and "What did I ever do to you?"

After having sometime away from all of that BS...I realized, he had not
done his 12 steps. Truthfully, in my heart. I now know better.
I now know, I can live without that alcoholic torture!

So, now all number's are blocked and my life is back to having peace
and Im now free to go on in my life....

It's my choice to sink or swim in his toxic life and eat his toxic behavior

I wish I could reach out to all of the newcomer's and make you believe
how important it is, to have "no contact" -
It does come, but it did take me sometime to get up on my feet.
Sometimes, I think I'm a slow learner.
It took me almost 2 year's to get here!

Took my pulse, I'm human< That took me awhile to understand what that meant.....I put alot of pressure's on myself. I wanted everything now.
I didn't understand why I felt alot of different thing's....because I'm human, duh!

Took alot of pressure's off of myself, to understand, Im just human
and it's okay to cry, it's okay not to have it all today! Thing's will come in time....

If I forget what Bullcrap is..., I go hang out with a drinking married couple
for about a 1/2 hour - Then I come home to my peaceful home, eat my damn bowl of cereal and smile :)

Thank you BobbyJ. I needed to read your post this morning. Especially this:
AXBF has been out of my life for almost two months now and in that time, just trying to maintain No Contact while still trying to clean up a few loose ends, has been a nightmare with his family getting involved and coming to his "defense," when surely a man who is nearly 50 years old should be able to handle his personal affairs without the aid of his siblings and elderly parents, right? But it just goes to show how deeply mired everyone becomes in the disease. How the lies and distortions affect everyone and how the A uses whomever he is closest to, to continue his way of life. Truly toxic. He has been toxic to me since the very beginning, I just could not see it.

Took my pulse, I'm human< That took me awhile to understand what that meant.....I put alot of pressure's on myself. I wanted everything now.
I didn't understand why I felt alot of different thing's....because I'm human, duh!

Took alot of pressure's off of myself, to understand, Im just human
and it's okay to cry, it's okay not to have it all today! Thing's will come in time....

If I forget what Bullcrap is..., I go hang out with a drinking married couple
for about a 1/2 hour - Then I come home to my peaceful home, eat my damn bowl of cereal and smile

Awesome. Thank you for posting this! We are all human and will all get there in time. This forum (and you guys and gals) is a LIFE SAVER!!!!! Thanks!!!!

BobbyJ, you've been missed! So glad you came back with an update. What a roller-coaster of a ride, eh?

I got off of mine, too. Divorce was final August 7th. Some things just never changed, and one day it dawned on me that, like you, this was a choice I was making to allow toxic people in my life. I could choose not to as easily as I could choose to allow it. So I made a choice. It's been a sad handful of months of no contact but each day gets a little brighter.

Take good care, and don't be a stranger!
~T

"Took my pulse, I'm human< That took me awhile to understand what that meant.....I put alot of pressure's on myself. I wanted everything now.
I didn't understand why I felt alot of different thing's....because I'm human, duh!

Took alot of pressure's off of myself, to understand, Im just human
and it's okay to cry, it's okay not to have it all today! Thing's will come in time...."

Thank-you for the above. I understand that now. Some days I still lose that understanding of myself, and being human, but most days it is with me now. That understanding, for a codie, is MONUMENTAL !
We get so darn used to REACTING to the A and their chaos, that we know we are trying to get back to sanity, we just can't remember what it is.
That acceptance that we are human and that all SANE things take time (whereas the chaos of the A took the blink of a second) is a re-adjustment. We know we want to get back to sanity, but honestly, I think we are WAY out of practice, and can hardly recognize it. We talk to true "normies" and think, but they don't know, they don't understand the EMERGENCIES, the need to REACT NOW, the PTSD!
Those "normies" are right after all, and we were once normies. We can get back to being one...!