Broken heart. Abandoment replays for the Nth time...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Broken heart. Abandoment replays for the Nth time...
I learned someone I cared about cheated on me a month ago.. and all this time has kept a different face.
That is what my family pattern is about, abandonment, and men leaving for other women.
It does not hurt as much as with XABF. I feel after XABF, no boyfriend I mourn will hurt half as much. In that sense I know I will move on. I am mourning the friendship, above all. We had several issues that we were not going to fix.
I don't have internet in my new home and will spend the night there. I hope the radio and my cats ease things up. Anyway I know a long night awaits. So I am accepting HUGS at this time !! (and whenever!!)
I just pray for HP to get a job to pay my debts, survive and pay a good therapist. I know this is me and my own beliefs playing out in this theater. I have a LONG way to go.
I have not been an angel either so I am also thinking about how I have cheated on others, and lied as well. So this might be karma catching up to me as well.
The good news is that on Wed I will travel all day to see my mom, sister and nephew. I need support right now.
Thanks SR friends
That is what my family pattern is about, abandonment, and men leaving for other women.
It does not hurt as much as with XABF. I feel after XABF, no boyfriend I mourn will hurt half as much. In that sense I know I will move on. I am mourning the friendship, above all. We had several issues that we were not going to fix.
I don't have internet in my new home and will spend the night there. I hope the radio and my cats ease things up. Anyway I know a long night awaits. So I am accepting HUGS at this time !! (and whenever!!)
I just pray for HP to get a job to pay my debts, survive and pay a good therapist. I know this is me and my own beliefs playing out in this theater. I have a LONG way to go.
I have not been an angel either so I am also thinking about how I have cheated on others, and lied as well. So this might be karma catching up to me as well.
The good news is that on Wed I will travel all day to see my mom, sister and nephew. I need support right now.
Thanks SR friends
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
You are a strong, beautiful woman. Sorry the lessons are so hard at times. You will make it through the night and then enjoy the time spent with those you love. Bask in their love for you.
"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky. "- Buddha
"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky. "- Buddha
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
There is something good in this somewhere which will become more apparent as time passes. I don't believe you are being punished for anything you did when you were young and lost.
Fidelity requires integrity, which your friend has yet to achieve in his life.
Fidelity requires integrity, which your friend has yet to achieve in his life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks SR friends
So I came back from being with my family.. they (my mom, sis & 1 year old nephew) are in Paris currently. It was very hard to say goodbye to them and take the plane back home on my own. Walking away from a baby sending you kisses is heart breaking. "Gladly" I was already late to take the airplane so I did not have time to make a scene. It was a sad farewell, even when hopefully we will meet again "soon" - we always hope for that, but its difficult not to know when exactly.
It had been a year since I last saw my mom.
Before leaving, this guy came home saying it was nothing, and I asked if everything happened (to check myself for STDs/HIV) he swore it did not go that far.. I, the IDIOT, believed him... hahaha!!
So I came back and things went on normally. He has been helpful. Even brought me flowers to the airport. I am so easy... long story short I just read some other messages where the lady just told him "good news for both of us! I am not pregnant"
He lied! DUH!
Anyway, I looked at myself and thought: I have studied very hard. I have worked very hard. I have traveled. I have read. I have defects but I truly care about people! I was not made to be paranoid looking at someone's messages and to be hurt over and over. I left his place and asked not to be contacted. He is calling me as I write this (2 AM) and I just turned off the phone...
Hugs are still welcome...
My conclusion is that the hardware store is a bad place to get bread. DUH! maybe in a few more decades I can move on from this lesson. It seems I still have not learned it.
Foreseeing a long day tomorrow. Anyway, I will try to just go through the motions. I got stuff to do and to solve. As hard as this is (I have a story with this guy for 3 years, on and off, so its a loss) I moved on from XABF, I know I will move from this one as well.
After mourning XABF I truly feel no other break up will bring me down as much as that one. In a sick way this gives me hope. Sheesh.
Thanks for listening and being a safe place. This site always makes me feel less alone.
So I came back from being with my family.. they (my mom, sis & 1 year old nephew) are in Paris currently. It was very hard to say goodbye to them and take the plane back home on my own. Walking away from a baby sending you kisses is heart breaking. "Gladly" I was already late to take the airplane so I did not have time to make a scene. It was a sad farewell, even when hopefully we will meet again "soon" - we always hope for that, but its difficult not to know when exactly.
It had been a year since I last saw my mom.
Before leaving, this guy came home saying it was nothing, and I asked if everything happened (to check myself for STDs/HIV) he swore it did not go that far.. I, the IDIOT, believed him... hahaha!!
So I came back and things went on normally. He has been helpful. Even brought me flowers to the airport. I am so easy... long story short I just read some other messages where the lady just told him "good news for both of us! I am not pregnant"
He lied! DUH!
Anyway, I looked at myself and thought: I have studied very hard. I have worked very hard. I have traveled. I have read. I have defects but I truly care about people! I was not made to be paranoid looking at someone's messages and to be hurt over and over. I left his place and asked not to be contacted. He is calling me as I write this (2 AM) and I just turned off the phone...
Hugs are still welcome...
My conclusion is that the hardware store is a bad place to get bread. DUH! maybe in a few more decades I can move on from this lesson. It seems I still have not learned it.
Foreseeing a long day tomorrow. Anyway, I will try to just go through the motions. I got stuff to do and to solve. As hard as this is (I have a story with this guy for 3 years, on and off, so its a loss) I moved on from XABF, I know I will move from this one as well.
After mourning XABF I truly feel no other break up will bring me down as much as that one. In a sick way this gives me hope. Sheesh.
Thanks for listening and being a safe place. This site always makes me feel less alone.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I was reading the thread about having to grow up too soon (I am not an ACOA but my parents were absent more often than not) and it makes sense. I definitely look for "victims" or people that have had it tough, to act as a Mom. Very sick. This last guy has been alone many years, he has worked since he was 17, his dad is rich but does not give him a cent and his mom is very depressed.. now that I write this down I see how his story resembles mine. Yup, a "poor lonely guy" to rescue. My stomach is turned, but gladly this is the physical response I need to get my butt to therapy and stop making excuses...
It takes what it takes...
Sigh
(XABF was a similar story, mom died, dad was never home and spent all his time with another woman).
It takes what it takes...
Sigh
(XABF was a similar story, mom died, dad was never home and spent all his time with another woman).
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I know I will never have a healthy romantic relationship if I do not forgive my dad first.
I was telling my mom how I am getting more distanced from my dad lately and she reminded me he had sent me a postcard once, saying he still cried during his nights away-he was an airplane pilot- and that he did not expect me to forgive him.
I did not remember any of this so I ended up crying in the middle of a restaurant in a boutique hotel. Gladly the place was empty.
Right now I am still stuck in the anger phase..
I was telling my mom how I am getting more distanced from my dad lately and she reminded me he had sent me a postcard once, saying he still cried during his nights away-he was an airplane pilot- and that he did not expect me to forgive him.
I did not remember any of this so I ended up crying in the middle of a restaurant in a boutique hotel. Gladly the place was empty.
Right now I am still stuck in the anger phase..
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