Where do I begin?

Old 08-19-2012, 06:47 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Where do I begin?

I'm very new here. I've been reading through threads and stickies, but nothing is quite touching where I feel am at in life.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We have 3 children (6,4, and 7 months). We met working in a bar, so drinking and partying were a part of life. When we got pregnant with our first I quit my job as a bartender and he stayed on. We moved in together and I got my first taste of how much and often he can drink. He immediately got a "real" job and I thought he was just in a partying stage and when the baby comes he'll snap out of it. He is what I've read on here is a functioning alcoholic? He's kept a steady job, he doesn't drink in the day. But he drinks every night. At least a 12 pack. He claims he's a big guy so that's why he can handle so much beer. But over the last month the 12 packs have turned into cases. We usually cycle through this out of control stage for a while and then I will snap threaten to leave and he will clean up his act for a bit. He has never been abusive. I've probably only "seen" him sloppy a handful of times. I quoted seen because he drinks at night long after I've gone to bed.
When I was pregnant with our third child, I was very very sick with something called hyperemsis gravidarum. I was rendered useless for the entire 9 months and my husband really stepped up to the plate. I myself and recovering from ptsd from the HG and I know I'm not the easier person to live with right now. I also have a terrible fear of ever being pregnant again and my attempts at birth control have been wrought with their own obstacles contributing to my ptsd. Which has led to a fear of sex. All of these things plus our 2 older children who are also recovering from the trauma of mommy being in and out of the hospital have created a very stressful living environment. My husband claims this is what is causing him to drink so much. No one knows the extent of how much he drinks because he is "the fun guy" and the "good dad". While I secretly sit here alone with no one to talk to about this. I don't want to repeat the cycle. I want the cycles to end. But I don't even know where to start. Please help me....
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:32 PM
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Well, you could atart by having your tubes tied and thus stop the child bearing cycle and the fear of sex.

He is going to do what he is going to do, if he were interested in getting and staying sober he would hop on the recovery train.

Please take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of the various Family & Friends
Forums, keep posting and reading others posts it will help.
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Old 08-20-2012, 01:33 AM
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Hugs, MamaBear.

I used to call my XAH a functioning alcoholic... Heck, he did too, and he saw nothing wrong with that. He held down a high paying job, didn't have a beer gut, and had more energy than I did despite having over a decade on me. He also never ate unless I fed him. Now that I've had some time to think on our relationship, I realize that functioning and alcoholic are mutually exclusive terms. When someone reaches the point where he needs alcohol to function, he is no longer actually functioning on his own, by definition. I wish I had figured this out earlier because an alcoholic who can no longer function with alcohol is a terrible pain to deal with, at best. This is not a situation that gets better with time if it's just ignored.

The thing to focus on, though, is doing what you can to make sure you and your kids are happy and healthy. Do it for you, not for him. Because, you know... If he changes, he's going to have to do that for himself too, and not for you. This is really confusing emotionally for many of us. Keep reading, keep posting, check out books fom the library, talk to a therapist, go to AlAnon meetings (not necessarily in that order). And, give yourself time to sort through all of that info.

Take care,
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Old 08-20-2012, 03:46 AM
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Thank you for your responses. Lost And confused is the best way to describe my emotions right now.

My original plan was to get my tubes tied, but after a few issues postpartum we hoped another method would be better. It wasn't. Now if I want to get that done I'd have to not nurse my baby for 24 hours and I don't trust my husband to get up with her during the night. Hell I sleep with one ear open all night because if there were an emergency he wouldn't hear it.

I guess my first question is what should be my starting point. Do I threaten to leave again? I have no where to go. This would be an empty threat. Do I provide an ultimatum? How do I begin the conversation with him before reaching my snapping point again? Right now it feels like there is a giant pink elephant in our living room and no one is allowed to talk about any of it. Like the fact that he spends around $200 a week on beer or that he drinks himself into oblivion every night and if the kids wake up they don't even bother trying to wake him up. Or that he doesn't wake up until 20 min before going to work because he's hungover. Or that I can hear him vomiting every morning and when I do "catch" him he says the bathroom was making me dizzy. My life is a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:59 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Have you heard about the 3 C's of your fuctioning alcoholic's dis-ease?

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You won't Cure it.

Has talking with him, or threatening to leave, or offering ultimatums in the past caused a lasting change in his alcohol consumption? No, or you would be living with a sober, recovering man today.

You are not alone. We have tried everything and anything to get our loved ones to see that their alcohol consumption is causing financial, emotional and physcial strain on the rest of the family - and we ended up with the same results: resentments, anger, frustration and exhaustion.

Here are some steps that did help me while living with active alcoholism:
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Old 08-20-2012, 06:12 AM
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Hi mamabear, welcome, so glad you found us.

Pelican has given you a great starting point.

Maybe time to get educated about alcoholism , read around the forum, it was a tremendous help to me to begin to understand the alcoholic brain.

There is a way out, so many of us here have worked our way through the emotions and despartation we feel when under tremendous stress and chaos that you are now and have been experiencing.

We are here, please keep posting. Love to you and yours Katie
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Old 08-20-2012, 06:31 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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Thank you. That article touched me very much and really hit home. I hope we can find a way out of this mess....I'm very glad I stumbled upon this site.
I am a planner, a doer, so its hard for me to not to know how to fix this.
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