scacra1

So... this weekend i needed some space from my A. i asked him to see his children at his mothers this weekend. I also did have my dissertation to get on with so it was best all round with this arrangement.
Anyway.. we have been chatting and he knows how i feel about his drinking, he has been making a huge effort to cut down, although he isn't prepared to STOP altogether.. (yes, yes i know!)
So he just calls me about ten mins ago and hes got sh!tfaced on the train journey home, my question is.. do i not allow him back in my home and use this as a clean break, even though i love him so much in hurts?

He is an active A which has been fooling me for a long time.. ive been thinking seriously a bout leaving him for some time but struggling to just get on and do it.. coz heart says no and head says yes!!

All i know is ive been lonely this weekend but ive not cried once.. however now, i can feel the tears in my eyes.. not 2 minutes after talking to him.
im hurting.

marie1960

Our lives are based on the decisions we choose. You are responsible for your choices and decisions. When the disease of alcoholism presents itself in a relationship, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without a recovery plan everyone will fall into the deep black hole, it's just a matter of time.

I had to accept that the disease was overpowering my life. I had absolutely no control or power over whether or not XA drank. I never knew if jeykll or hyde would be walking through the door. Being with an active alkie was truly an exhausting, over the top, nightmare.

When you have had enough, you will know....... you will just be DONE with the insanity of the crazytrain.

Wishing you peace.

Tuffgirl

I can't say it any better than Marie did above. Prayers to you today.
~T

scacra1

His mother called me to tell me he was going to go back to her house 50 miles away after i told him not to come back here.. she was worried as she had his 2 children there. (11 and 14) There relationship was already fractured... and she didnt want him upsetting the kids, and stupidly i rang him and told him to come back here.. to save his mother and those poor children.
hes now asleep on my couch.. i know what ive done, its not truly what i wanted to do, but i felt like it was either me or them.
So here i am. just spoilt my chance to take action for me, but i really felt i had no choice.

fourmaggie

yes you do have CHOICES and many of them

i understand that you dont have choices because is always the A that calls the shots...but you do have choices...

if you want serenity for you....what are you gonna do to get it?

Tuffgirl

So you are not ready to end this just yet. That's ok, too.

But now, instead of wallowing in your choice to not end it just yet, how about finding some support to deal with the daily life of having an active A around? Do you go to Al-Anon? Have a good therapist? Have you protected yourself from the financial fall out? Have a safe place to go if he gets violent? Get proactive. Educate yourself. Develop a support system for you. Work on your own issues. Don't let this lead your life and define you.

SundayGirl2012

Hi Sacra
I read your reply to my post - so you know that our situations are similar - so I really empathise with your sadness and confusion. I've got no advice to give really, but I just wanted to reply to your post to show my support. Perhaps Al Anon is worth a try? I know it's been a tearful experience for me (described in an update to my earlier post) but I've also found it very reassuring to hear about others who have lived through similar situations to me, or often more extreme ones - and despite this, they seem to exhibit a calm enjoyment of life. I'd like to be like that.
Take care of yourself.
SG
x

scacra1

Thanks people, no i dont have any support, no-one knows about his problem, infact i spend so much time pretending everything is ok that im exhausted, physically and mentally. This forum is my support, and i thank you all so much for your kind words, it makes such a difference.
ive not tried AL anon, mainly because i didn't realise that there was help for us.. i thought it was all about helping the A. i didn't realise that it can impact on us so much... until ive started to feel a permanent hurt in my heart recently.. im usually full f energy, but i can feel this slipping away as my heart gets heavier.
For those that have asked, i am financially safe, a good job, the house is all in my name, i have a car and a small amount of savings.
im doing the education and more and more its wising me up and helping me grow.

so for tonight.. he is passed out on the couch, i am sat crying and typing on here. whilst my heart breaks a little bit more for both of us.

thanks to anyone who has listened.