mitch4133

Hi everyone, my name is Michele and just wanted some advice on what I should do. I have been with my boyfriend for over the past 7 years. Early on in our relationship I could tell he was a drinker. I myself rarely drink. I might have a glass of wine 1-2 times a month and I've always been this way. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who was sober for the past 5 or so years but he is now drinking again and I refuse to speak to him. That's a whole other story which I won't get into.

My bf realized he had a problem about 3 years ago. He was getting intoxicated and driving, yelling at his son or me for no reason. Although he's never hit me, when he's intoxicated I'm scared to even speak to him. He knows my feelings about drinking since growin up in an abusive alcoholic house. My last straw was when I came home from work (I work midnights) and he is passed out on the couch and his golf buddy on the other couch and there is vomit everywhere. In my shoes, couch and it forevered stained my hardwood floors. And to explain why I was so upset is because I have an extreme phobia of vomit. Which he knows and I've been in counciling for. I can't be near it, or see it and I was very upset that I asked him to clean it up and all I did was get ridiculed for being upset about my phobia. My bf tended to get mean during his drinking or the day after he did something wrong. Like when he crashed into either another car or wall when drinking and driving...I never found out the truth but searched for hit and runs on the news. That was the last straw for me, so I left, moved out. He realized it was bad, wanted help and to get me back so he went to counciling.

So as far ask new he was doing very well for about 3 years. I knew he had a couple slip ups but he always returned to counciling. Well at New Years Eve he ordered a glass of wine with dinner. I felt my stomach turn but he's an adult I thought 46yrs old it's been 3 years maybe he can handle one glass. He did didn't drink for a while, then golf season started. I've suspected he was drinking but he got home after I left for work so I couldn't prove anything. He has drank more wine and it's moved from one glass with dinner to two or just suggesting getting a bottle to drink while watching tv. If I say no, he drops it and won't drink. Well, last night he got home from golf I kissed him, smelled and tasted alcohol. So after getting courage I asked. He said he drank one vodka lemonade. I don't believe him. He was acting weird and reeked. It wasn't one. And he even stopped to get wine, which I think he was trying to cover the alcohol smell with the wine is I wouldn't question him.

I just don't know what to do. He will get defensive if I bring it up. I love him very much and want him to be sober and I know I can't force him. I just feel sick about him drinking so he knew I would find out. It's like he doesn't care I know. Do I threaten to leave again? Suggest counciling? He knows I'm upset and I didn't talk to him last night, just went to bed. He was gone golfing when I woke up with a note saying he'll have dinner waiting before I work tonight. Which I think is guilt. Should I wait to see if he does it again? I'm so confused and hurt I don't know what to do.

Thanks,

Michele

Pondlady

Hi Michele,
I saw your first post on the newcomers thread and followed you here. It is true he will drink if he wants to. You can't control him. Are you able to tolerate living with this kind of anxiety.....is he drinking? will he stop? will it get worse? etc? You've lived this life with him before....do you want to do it again?

I'm grateful my husband was patient with my wine drinking. I asked him this summer why he was. He told me he figured I'd have enough and want to feel better again. Not sure he would have been so patient if I'd done some of the things your bf has done.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

mitch4133

Thank you for repling. I love him so much, and we've been thru alot together. I myself have an addiction. I have a gambling addiction. I would go to casinos and spend so much money that I got so far in debt that I had to file bankruptcy. He tried to help me and I took advantage of him by racking up debt on his card cards. He stuck by me thru this, even though I know in my heart I would gamble when I knew he was drinking. It's an excuse on my part and I know that, but it was also a trigger for me to gamble. I was also sick when we first met, and he took care of me thru all that. I've had numerous surgeries and still never feel "well" and he is very understanding.

He really is a wonderful person and I don't want to be with out him, I just don't want him to follow down the same path. I know he can stop because he has in the past, and I truelly believe that his friends push him to drink when he's golfing. I know he is the one to actually take the drink but the pressure his golfing buddies put on him is too much for him, and I don't believe they are really his friends. I know he's told them he doesn't want to drink, but to what extent I don't know.

I also don't want to be that person that allows him to step all over me. I grew up with an alcoholic and it seems every guy I date has a drinking problem. Sometimes I think I'm being to hard but then I think I'm bring a push over. It's just so hard when you love someone do much and they just don't see what they are doing. I don't want to live with anxiety or question him. If there isn't trust then things aren't working. But I also want to give him a chance. I can't tell if I'm being fair and loving or making excuses.

LifeRecovery

Mitch4133

I am in long-term recovery for an eating disorder. I have been working on my recovery a little over twelve years now.

I met, fell in love with, married and divorced my alcoholic husband in the last nine years.

I held onto the relationship for a long time because I tried to own ALL the problems in the relationship as I attributed them to my addiction and concerns. Yes I did have a problem, and I need to be working on my problem, but that was broken thinking on my part. There was two of us in the relationship, and I was not the only one struggling.

I wanted recovery, got into recovery on my own, and have been diligently working my recovery since that time.

My loved one struggled with alcohol before we met, but it took me a bit to realized his struggles. While we were together occasionally he shared he wanted recovery, but made no overtures to get into recovery. He did not drink daily, but episodically binge drank. I however walked on eggshells all the time, and never "felt" good as a result.

Finally my recovery from the eating disorder expanded to also include Al-Anon, and recovery to include living with an alcholic/problem drinker. It also included a lot of codependency work like anything by Melody Beattie talks about, but is known for "Co-Dependent No More"

I still care for my loved one that got me here. I can no longer live with the behavior that surrounds his alcohol use as it is not good for him, but it is especially not good for me.

Carol Star

I am an alcodependentcodaholicaddict.....same twelve steps......meeting makers make it......