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Why do I keep believing today will be different?

Old 08-19-2012, 06:13 AM
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Why do I keep believing today will be different?

I'm peeved with myself for believing, even just a tiny bit, that ABF might do as he promised. It's like I can remember the person he used to be - and sometimes he acts like that person again and I slip into thinking that he'll do what he says he'll do. Occasionally, he does do what he says he'll do. Which is not helping with my confusion levels.

Two weeks ago, after a mega-binge, I told ABF he has to move out of my flat. I've had a taster of what it will be like when he's moved out because this week ABF has temporarily moved back to the house he used to share with his wife. His wife now shares the house with her boyfriend but they're on holiday so ABF is pet-sitting.

I thought it would be lonely - and occasionally it has been. But also liberating and calm. I really don't want him back here.

On Friday evening, I went out with a couple of friends for my birthday and I invited ABF. I didn't tell him the location until I'd spoken to him on the phone an hour before we were due to meet, to check that he was sober enough to behave like a normal person. (Incidentally, this has been a regular habit of mine for the last year or so - which I now realise is not a normal way to treat your SO). Anyway, he was sober, he got told the location, he turned up and behaved like a gentleman - talked to everyone, was pleasant and friendly, brought a card and a gift and drank only what the rest of us drank before saying goodnight and heading home. He later texted to thank me for the invitation and compliment my appearance. So, all fine.

On Saturday, we spoke by phone and he suggested we take a day trip on Sunday - he would drive and we'll make the most of the pleasant weather. Of course, that hasn't happened - and it's my fault because I'm such a "cruel, heartless cow". His texts have really pushed my buttons - he's been charming, doleful, critical, pleading, loving, melancholy, aggressive, reasonable, calm, threatening - everything by turns. I feel like I want to copy out all his text messages so you can reassure me that he's not behaving rationally.

I could suggest a couple of reasons why he's behaving like this:
1. Going for a whole day while staying under the drink drive limit is too challenging;
2. The gentlemanly behaviour was simply a ruse so I'd let him move back in. One of his texts to me this morning asked if he could sleep on the couch while he found somewhere else. I said no. (I value my new-found peace) After that, his texts became particularly vindictive - and also a bit bizarre, claiming to be in two places at once for example.

I know this isn't an original story - versions of this sequence of events are pasted all over this forum. When he behaves like a drunk, it's easier for me to conclude that he's a drunk and I should stop communicating with him. But he also behaves like the person he used to be sometimes, and not like a drunk, so I get confused. I guess I need to remember that he's always a drunk - and I should always treat him like a drunk.

I feel like I'm back at square one, of feeling very confused and hurt - as if the relatively peaceful week I've just had, which included 2 Al Anon meetings and lots of related reading, never happened. All this emotional upheaval and I never even saw or spoke to the ABF, just read a few text messages. I thought I was an intelligent, rational person - how on earth did I get to this position where he has the power to scramble my thoughts from a distance with just a few texted words?

I'm going to head out for a while, to walk in the sunshine and reflect on what I can do differently in future. I'm going to find a nice neighbourhood cafe in which to read the weekend papers. I'm going to check in with some friends. And I'm going to be grateful that at least I didn't get so confused, I agreed to him moving back in again!

SG
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:23 AM
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I think you are doing a great job of sticking to your boundary.
I also believe you are taking steps to self-love and I believe you will be ok!

I also kept falling back into stinking thinking about the good qualities of my alcoholic husband. But the reality was, that the good qualities were not consistent or frequent.

I decided to carry a note in my wallet that I could reference with ease when I was having stinking thinking about my alcoholic:

___________'s love come with:

financial disasters
legal trouble
lying
manipulation
minimization
denial
health problems

That list was my quick reality check!
With today's smart phones, the list could be stored on your phone for easy reference.

I also changed his name on my phone so that when he called it did not show his name, instead it showed his identity as: I Stole From You

that was my quick reminder of who I was dealing with when I answered the call.
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Old 08-19-2012, 08:35 AM
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Hi,
im glad you put this post up, ive just put a similar one up myself, about my ABF.. i get confused by the same things that you do... he is soo great for a couple of weeks, then it slips again. im in that situation right now.. he had to get a train home and seems he has been unable to do this without getting drunk.
i understand your confusion, i struggle with it myself. im sorry im not of any help but i just wanted you to know that youre not on youre own.
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Old 08-19-2012, 09:27 AM
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SundayGirl, He is manipulating you. Seems these active alkies all possess a charming, charismatic, quality. They know how to get what they NEED. And he currently needs a place to live. Stay strong, and please do not allow his shallow, meaningless words to sway you.

I have never read on these boards, "I got involved with an out of control jerk" or " I started dating a real loser, and fell head over heels in love". That is not how this disease works. Recovery is actually years away, and without guarantee of success. Just how much of yourself are you willing to invest?

He currently is NOT the wonderful person you thought he is. The disease is showing its ugly self. What you are presently living, is as good as it's going to be. Until he chooses recovery for himself, he is showing you all he has to offer.

Only when I concentrated on myself did I realize the XA could never add value or meaning to my life. Hope the sunshine and fresh air will lift your spirit today. Stay focused on YOU, you are worthy of more than he can offer.

Take Care.
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Old 08-19-2012, 09:54 AM
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Not one of us here needs to read your text messages to tell you he is irrational. Being an active alcoholic means one is irrational, manipulative, and a liar. It comes with the disease, and is easy to spot once you recognize the pattern of behaviors. My therapist who I went to see after my ex told me repeatedly I was crazy called it for what it is within 30 minutes of our first session. I asked him how he could make that call so easily and quickly and he said "they are all the same behaviors underneath the facade of the person".

Stick to your boundaries. He's a grown man, he can find another place to live.
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:23 AM
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This scenario sounds very familiar to me...

Lots of times they CAN be very charming, nice and even sweet but the ugly, cruel alcoholic behavior always comes back to the forefront and unless he stops drinking this will happen time and time again. I put up with so many mood swings and downright rude, obnoxious behavior but he always had an excuse that I bought into (I am stressed out, I am depressed, etc). Manipulative is absolutely correct, they have a way of making you feel sorry for them by playing the victim card.

I did this for 3 years because I really loved him and I wanted things to work out. Truth be told, there were times when he was better and it's the good times that keep us holding on.

I think when you're in a relationship where you cannot trust the other person and they are constantly saying thing that are hurtful it's probably time to get out. What does your heart say? Do you really think you can buy into any more empty promises? I think you know what the answer is there.

I got sick of my A lying to me about how much he was drinking, spending all of his money at bars and generally being a doormat because he was so emotionally unstable. I could not picture living the rest of my life that way.

So I went to see my therapist on Friday, she told me you have to pay attention to people's behavior, he is showing you how he is and you're in la-la land hoping that he will turn things around all the while. You have probably invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship, are afraid to let go and be lonely, and I'm sure you do love him, but it sounds like he isn't worth the heartache.

I hope things get better.
-z
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:35 AM
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love your boundaries!!

keep reading all the alkie traits, you will realize its just a bunch of QUACKS!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html
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Old 08-19-2012, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
love your boundaries!!

keep reading all the alkie traits, you will realize its just a bunch of QUACKS!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html
Sadly I wish I had found this forum years ago....
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Old 08-19-2012, 12:32 PM
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Glad you like my boundaries Fourmaggie, I'm proud of myself for keeping them there. And thanks for all your supportive comments - they really help when I'm doubting myself. I thought things had calmed down by around 2pm when I posted but the texts started up again around 5pm - a wide range again, but majoring on a theme of 'I can't believe you're treating me like this after everything I've done for you'.

I turned my phone off for a while, bought an ice cream and sat in the park watching the ducks. That felt good. But then I turned it back on later, thought I'd better pick up one of his calls (why?) and lost it a bit. I started off being civil and polite - I listened to him telling me what a lovely day he'd had with a friend (I strongly suspect she is/was more than a friend - I once found a text on his phone asking her for a shag). Anyway, he went to the park, market and pub with his friend - and expected me to be pleased for him that he'd had a nice day. And then he started pleading his case to move back in again. I wasn't very detached or serene - I shrieked at him, told him he was upsetting me and threatening my mental health. He did mumble an apology for upsetting me right at the end of the call - I asked him not to call again today (and the phone is switched back off again).

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today and cried so much I could barely utter a sentence. I hate crying in front of other people. It's only my third meeting - I felt teary in the other two as well, though I didn't openly sob like I did this afternoon. Where are all these tears coming from?

So, I need to work out how to stop reacting to his manipulation - since I can't tell what is manipulation and what is genuine any more, I have to treat every communication as attempted manipulation.

I don't know what to do about the tears - nothing, I guess.
Thanks for being there for me - and thanks for all the advice and reassurance, I really appreciate it.
SG
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Old 08-19-2012, 01:26 PM
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I've heard it said, and experienced firsthand, that if an A is moving his lips, it's all lies and manipulation.

There is absolutely nothing genuine coming out of an addict's mouth. It's all about getting their DOC. That is all that matters to them. Period.
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Old 08-19-2012, 01:27 PM
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Its me again!
ive just been to feed the ducks also... so theraputic.
i find your post inspiring because at least you have managed to evict your ABF.. im still to do that part.
keep strong and remember were all hear to listen.. the value of this forum is immense!
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:16 PM
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Just this week I talked to my therapist about ALL the tears. It is not constant anymore but they are unexpected often when they come. Stuffing them down is no longer an option.

She helped me to see (again) that I have been full for a long time, and that this is just a way for me to release them. They are from all the times I stuffed in the past and they have decided there is no other place to go.

They are releasing a lot, and when I think of them as cleansing it helps.
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Old 08-19-2012, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Just this week I talked to my therapist about ALL the tears. It is not constant anymore but they are unexpected often when they come. Stuffing them down is no longer an option.

She helped me to see (again) that I have been full for a long time, and that this is just a way for me to release them. They are from all the times I stuffed in the past and they have decided there is no other place to go.

They are releasing a lot, and when I think of them as cleansing it helps.
I'm tired of crying myself - I feel like such a broken person inside right now. I am not crying all the time either but only every few days, I hope this is progress...
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Old 08-20-2012, 01:08 PM
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As I read I realize more and more.....it's almost all the same traits behavior! The confusing because they can be so loving and charming. Suck you right in and leave you wondering what just happened here! Its heart breaking because it's such a waste. When it's all said and done you wonder if they ever even cared! I will say this....it does get worse they become more aggressive as it progress. Truly pathetic!
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Old 08-21-2012, 02:41 PM
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Re the tears, a friend told me something that I've never forgotten.

You have X number of tears you need to cry over him, in order to heal. So each tear is GOOD -- it gets you that much closer to crying all the tears that you will for him.
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Old 08-21-2012, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by saljay View Post
Re the tears, a friend told me something that I've never forgotten.

You have X number of tears you need to cry over him, in order to heal. So each tear is GOOD -- it gets you that much closer to crying all the tears that you will for him.
I went to the bathroom and cried at work today... still hurts after almost 2 months.

I can't take any more alcoholics, I am not getting into any more relationships with people who drink.
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Old 08-21-2012, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
I'm tired of crying myself - I feel like such a broken person inside right now. I am not crying all the time either but only every few days, I hope this is progress...
Be gentle on yourself with time.

This has taken me awhile, in all honesty a lifetime to be okay with the tears, but acutely this week is two weeks out since I seperated from my qualifier.

I went through periods of crying daily, not crying, crying only at therapy etc.

It is all normal and all part of grief. It only made it worse when I tried to box it in and but "rules" on it or "timeframes."
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