Marriage: Narcissism, Addictions and Abuse as Deal Breakers

Old 08-18-2012, 11:49 AM
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Arrow Marriage: Narcissism, Addictions and Abuse as Deal Breakers

Marriage: Narcissism, Addictions and Abuse as Deal Breakers

SOURCE for thread: Narcissism Addictions Abuse as Dealbreakers


"I am writing this after just reading an article written by a man who’s a marriage coach. I always like the articles he writes. He has some great things to say, and he puts them in a way that people can readily absorb. Yes, he has some sound advice for improving one's marriage.

Well, most marriages, that is.

When you’re married to someone exhibiting unhealthy narcissism who also has problems with addictions and is abusive toward you, you're not in a normal or average marriage. And while you might want to read articles such as this man’s, and then try the techniques recommended, if you do so, you’ll likely discover they don’t work.

Of course, marital therapists and coaches always say that it takes two to tango. And certainly, this suggests that both parties have some responsibility for the quality of the relationship or their marriage. But while that’s generally true, when your spouse has problems with narcissism, addictions, and abuse, it’s simply a different story. You’ve met the exception to the rule.

Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? I don’t consistently, but I try to do so at least some of the time. One message that Dr. Phil states both loudly and clearly is that when certain things are present in the marriage, they become deal breakers. Thus, while you might have stood before others and expressed vows that indicated you’d see this man through better and worse, or remain with him until his dying day, you might want to reconsider if it is the best decision to do so. You might see yourself as a person who honors vows. Therefore, you have suffered this narcissist’s abuse. But while you are being as good as your word—showing yourself to be a trustworthy person—have you ever considered that your partner is not?

He isn’t now, and he undoubtedly won’t be in the future, either. His mental disorders make this a near impossibility. Since when one suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or pathological levels of narcissism, it isn’t as if he can take a medication and then performs quite normally, you will continue to suffer his abuse. Furthermore, your children will grow up in this toxic environment, too. While it is nice to honor commitments you make—and I would typically encourage you to do so--do you really believe it is necessary when your partner is not honoring his?

Dr. Phil calls alcoholism, addictions, and abusive behavior deal breakers. He might not speak about the personality disorders themselves that so often coexist with these problems--and might be the causal factor for the other issues, actually. But then again, perhaps labeling everything exactly, or knowing what causes what, is less important than recognizing the end results. Because of those end results, and because they tend to remain consistent over time, Dr. Phil labels them deal breakers.

When you're coping with a spouse with a personality disorder—or perhaps your partner only meets some of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but enough of them to cause severe dysfunction in the marriage—you are invariably in a relationship that puts you in harm’s way. Indeed, when you are enduring your partner’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse, you are enduring something destructive to your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Also, remind yourself that because a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not particularly amenable to treatment, the likelihood is your partner will never change—at least not in positive ways. Sure, you can try some of the techniques recommended for the average marriage. And while making such changes in the normal marriage might work or create a positive shift in the relationship, because of your partner’s narcissism, addictions, and abusive ways, his reactions to your changes might only exacerbate your problems.

As I read this marriage coach’s article on trust, it suddenly struck me that indeed, trust is the foundation for a solid relationship. However, in a marriage where narcissism, addictions, and abuse are present, trust simply will never be there. Again, mental health issues will cause your partner to behave in ways that ensure you can’t trust him. Furthermore, it is in your own best interest not to do so, either.

Of course, it's both emotionally painful and crazy-making to cope with a relationship devoid of trust. Certainly, you lose the predictability and stability that trust provides. This is detrimental enough in itself. But there is more to the picture than that. After all, most of us want to be trusting people. We often don’t feel good about ourselves when we don’t trust. But again, when you have a partner exhibiting narcissism, addictions, and abuse, you are put into a position where you shouldn't trust. Such a partner is not trustworthy, and to believe otherwise sets you up for further problems and hurt.

There's something else that happens in these relationships, too. When the man isn't trustworthy because basically his narcissism and addictions propel him into untrustworthy behaviors, he assumes the same thing of his partner. He projects something he disowns about himself onto her. Realize, then, that no matter how consistent you are in your own behaviors, or no matter how hard you try to prove that you can be trusted, your husband will probably act like you aren’t trustworthy. In fact, he might even angrily accuse you of letting him down regularly—when you know you've done no such thing.

Are you beginning to appreciate why Dr. Phil says the presence of alcoholism, other addictions, or abuse should be considered deal breakers?

Why should you be condemned to live out your life in a marriage with no foundation—one that can collapse and crush you at any time? Well, what Dr. Phil is telling you, and what I'll tell you also, is that quite simply, you don't have to do this. It is okay to not honor your wedding vow. It does not make you a bad person. It does not make you untrustworthy.

Remember, a relationship filled with narcissism, addictions, and abuse could ultimately kill you. While your partner himself might not do so, the stress of living with a man with these mental disorders could result in medical conditions that do. Of course, what you do is up to you. However, wouldn’t it be nice to live life in a way where you can trust again? Wouldn’t that make life more pleasant? Also, wouldn’t it help you to better honor or live life as the person you really are--or desire to be come? And frankly, wouldn't that be a good thing?

Besides writing on narcissism, addictions, and abuse, Diane England also writes on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. If you know of someone whose partner is displaying PTSD, addictions, and abuse--since we often see this trio exist together, too--do that person a favor and buy him or her The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship today. It has been designated one of the "Best Books of 2009" by theLibrary Journal."
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Old 08-18-2012, 01:07 PM
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Thank you. That is so true. I have read about the marriage deal breakers before, they were simular. This really is something you should know before you get in a relationship. I had alway thought that I could "love" someone through anything. But that is not the case. The lack of trust that those behaviors cause, is more than enough to damage even the strongest person.

I saw the addiction, that was easy. The wine bottles and then the wine boxes stacked up for recycling made that obvious.

The abuse was verbal so it was easyer to over look. But it sure dud a number on me. I would here people tell me how good I was to my wife. Yet all she did was put me down, or blame her problems
I never really thought of her as a narcissist. I just thought she was a girl, and it alway had to be about her. She would cry and get very sad about her uncle being sick and on his death bed. Yet if I wanted to talk about my father who died a few years ago, she never wanted to here it. Even when I was sick with a kidney infection, we had a camping trip planed that weekend, she still went and left me at home. (I should clarify that was one of 2 timed in our whole 2.5 year relationship that I was sick enough to not anything. I don't get sick that often.)

The other deal breaker is adultery. And she got me there too, twice that I know of.

I think that all of these can be worked through. But only by the spouse that had the problem. You can't love them out of it, or show them the error of their ways. They have to see it for them self, and sadly most can't.
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Old 08-18-2012, 02:41 PM
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This is excellent information, thanks for sharing. My recent a-ha moment was realizing my exAH will never trust me. Never. And I had spent years busting my butt to try to be trustworthy. On top of that, he began to criticize me using the same descriptors he had used for past girlfriends. That was an eye opener to a bigger, deeper pattern here that I knew was not about me.

Android, there are plenty of women in the world who would have stayed home with you while you were sick, rented your favorite movies, and nurtured you in kindness. My ex wouldn't even come with me to put our old dog to sleep - he said the time was inconvenient and I should have checked his schedule first before accepting the only slot the vet had open for an euthanasia that day. I look back on those moments and thank God and the Universe for the opportunity to get as far away from people like that as I possibly can.

Life is so much better now.
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:30 PM
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It's odd how many people with addictions tend to also have Narcisstic Personality Disorder (or some of the traits). I thought I would list the traits here for easier reference. I also am posting the link here:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : Traits discussed

where you can actually click on certain traits and get a detailed analysis.

TRAITS OF NPD:
  • amoral/conscienceless
  • authoritarian
  • care only about appearances
  • contemptuous
  • critical of others
  • cruel
  • disappointing gift-givers
  • don't recognize own feelings
  • envious and competitive
  • feel entitled
  • flirtatious or seductive
  • grandiose
  • hard to have a good time with
  • hate to live alone
  • hyper-sensitive to criticism
  • impulsive
  • lack sense of humor
  • naive
  • passive
  • pessimistic
  • religious
  • secretive
  • self-contradictory
  • stingy
  • strange work habits
  • unusual eating habits
  • weird sense of time

Here more information on NPD Traits:

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissism is a term commonly used to describe those who seemed more concerned with themselves than with others. It is important to distinguish between those who have narcissistic personality traits and those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. Those with narcissistic personalities are often seen as arrogant, confident, and self-centered, but they do not have the exaggerated or grandiose view of their own abilities that characterizes narcissistic personality disorder.

The DSM-IV identifies the following symptoms:

An exaggerated sense of one's own abilities and achievements.

A constant need for attention, affirmation and praise.

A belief that he or she is unique or "special" and should only associate with other people of the same status.

Persistent fantasies about attaining success and power.

Exploiting other people for personal gain.

A sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment.

A preoccupation with power or success.

Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of him or her.

A lack of empathy for others.

An official diagnosis can be made by a qualified mental health professional, and requires that the individual exhibit 5 of the 9 symptoms identified in the DSM-IV. Practitioners must also rule out other psychiatric disorders in order to make a diagnosis.

People with narcissistic personality disorder are typically described as arrogant, conceited, self-centered and haughty. Because they imagine themselves as superior to others, they often insist on possessing items that reflect a successful lifestyle. Despite this exaggerated self-image, they are reliant on constant praise and attention to reinforce their self-esteem. As a result, those with narcissistic personality disorder are usually very sensitive to criticism, which is often viewed as a personal attack.

Source: Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Symptoms and Treatments for Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:46 PM
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But isn't this the point of this forum...trying to see through all of this to the person. Only Christ can love and forgive through all of these things. HE makes a way where there is no way. His love in us can conquer all things if we are willing to endure.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by dloudon View Post
But isn't this the point of this forum...trying to see through all of this to the person. Only Christ can love and forgive through all of these things. HE makes a way where there is no way. His love in us can conquer all things if we are willing to endure.
If Christ wants to live with an alcoholic, that is his choice to do so. But that doesn't mean I have to. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And no, YOUR faith in Christ cannot conquer someone else's addiction.
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:58 PM
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huh. just spoke to (R?)AH who has been in rehab almost 2 months. Had a "real" conversation for the first time. I asked if he had a neuropsych evaluation yet (had a head injury last year on top of the alc abuse) and he said he was dx with narcissistic personality disorder! not that I already didn't know that, but interesting that I was just reading this thread today. He does sound like he is making progress. I still doubt that I will live with him again.
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dloudon View Post
But isn't this the point of this forum...trying to see through all of this to the person. Only Christ can love and forgive through all of these things. HE makes a way where there is no way. His love in us can conquer all things if we are willing to endure.
If you are willing to endure?! Some of the awful, horrendous abuse some members on here have suffered, they're lucky to be alive. Only Christ can love and forgive us.. Maybe you're right. I'm certainly no reincarnation of Him though so I don't need to endure anything.
It upsets me when the Bible is used to tell women they should stay on dangerous situations. How about someone finds a quote or two to tell men not to abuse instead?
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