kelly77

I have been married for 18 years and in the last 2 years things have gotten really bad i have done all i know to do i have taken my husband to doctors and consler and no change he drinks all day everyday he doesnt work he is very verbal abusive and when i refuse to buy his beer he gets worse even going as far as disabling the car and telling me and my son to walk to work he paid for the car i dont want to leave my home me and my son worked to get this place and keep bills paid i know leaving him is going to be hell he will see that any one have any advice. thanks

SundayGirl2012

Hi Kelly
I can't really give you advice but I will say that I think you and your son deserve a better way of life. I can see that it's going to be hard for you - but since you're asking for advice on this forum, then it sounds like you're ready to take steps to change the situation. Someone on this forum shared a quote that really helped me have the courage to ask my ABF to find somewhere else to live. It was:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear"

I think you should get some legal advice and find some local sources of support (domestic abuse counsellor?) to back up support and advice from this forum's members.
Take care
SG

Aries40

Kelly,

I am so sorry for all that you are going thru. As an adult child of an alcoholic and adult survivor of childhood domestic abuse, I can only hope for you and your sons safety thru all this.

I only wish my mom had been able to get us out of that life. But she couldn't afford to take care of us without my dad's disability and she couldn't stand to be away from him either. She was so codependent....and miserable.

I love the quote from above..."Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear"

Hoping you can find some helpful resources thru DHS and Domestic Violence Websites to get out of harms way.

Hugs!

Katiekate

Hi Kelly welcome, I'm so sorry to hear how rough and terrible your situataion is.

I feel for you and your son. Might be a good idea to read around the forum, begin to get educated, post how your are doing, what questions you have and vent away if you need to.

Although your situation is really hard, there is a way out, we are here, we care, and we will help.

please keep posting, love to you Katie

OhBoy

Welcome Kelly77! 18 years that's a long time! I know I've been with my AW that long! YOU taking him to the counselors & the doctors most likely wouldn't help HIM. I know for me it seemed like the right thing to do for my wife, but what I've learned is that she has to do it for herself. SHE has to want it. I know I want it, but what I want has no impact on HER drinking. It is out of my hands. So what do I do? I can't force her to stop drinking, I can't make her get help, I can't make her want to get help I can't make her do anything! But...... I CAN help myself. What? Help myself, what does that have to do with her drinking? It turns out a lot! My wife used all my efforts to control her drinking & turned it into an excuse for her TO drink. I actually was helping my wife drink by trying to control it. Huh?!? The more I tried to run her life, the more reasons she had to drink & the more my life spiraled out of control.

One of the first things I learned that helped me almost immediately is the 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it.

When I realized I had no control over her drinking, I stopped making it MY problem. For me, that made my life much more manageable. I started going to Alanon meetings & I learned how to help myself, in turn it helped how I deal with my AW's drinking & behavior. I can detach when she is being unreasonable & walk away before I escalate things. And believe me, she WANTS me to escalate things! If she is successful, she has a BIG reason to drink! So by making myself better, I try to take away "me" as being a reason to drink. Let her find some other damn reason to drink! Doing this has greatly reduced my stress & helped my serenity (& sanity!).

Stick around, keep posting, there's a lot of wisdom & support here. We've all been through it or are going through it! Alanon helped me, maybe it could help you as well.
OhBoy