CeciliaV

It's been a while since I posted or visited the forums...and I'm at a breaking point now. I'm pretty worked up right now, so please forgive the length of this post/rant.

At the last go around, dear AH ruined my birthday by getting smashed, and I just broke into pieces the next day and told him I couldn't live like this anymore. He swore to try harder & that he really finally understood the impact of what he was doing, etc. He stayed sober for about a month. And then the proverbial poop hit the fan.

About two weeks ago, he went away for a long weekend to visit family while I stayed home to tend to our dog (he had to go in for surgery to remove bladder stones). He came home Tuesday evening of last week & took a cab home from the airport...he told me the cab driver had took a wrong turn & so he told the guy to just drop him off at a nearby intersection so he could just walk the rest of the way. Within two days of his return, I got suspicious and couldn't help but confront him about drinking. He had lied about the cab driver - he had the guy drop him off at a corner liquor store a couple blocks from our home, and he'd been drinking and lying to me since he walked in the door. I told him that this was IT - he either could be honest & work on his sobriety, or he could leave. This was the final boundary.

He apparently has chosen to leave, because he's drinking & lying again. I suspected he was drinking this week, and I asked him about it & he said he wasn't. I found an empty bottle in one of his drawers (I know, I know, I have to stop looking) on Wednesday night that definitely wasn't there last week, and he "didn't know where it came from" and "it's old." I stayed home all of last week & Mon-Thurs this week to care for our dog post-surgery, and I returned to work today. He stayed home to watch the dog. He was acting way off & looped when I got home, but he swore he wasn't drinking. Then I found a partially empty bottle of vodka on a table in our hallway, and again he swore he had no idea where it came from. I told him I was done with him. It's over, it's done. Told him that he has crapped on me and our relationship too many times & that he crossed so many boundaries before and the final one now. I told him that when he sobers up tomorrow, he needs to start making arrangements for somewhere to go.

He was pretty sloshed - he had been drinking since 8am! - and I'm not sure how much sank in, because it took a couple repeats for him to get that I'm done with him crapping all over everything. Told him that if he wants to ruin his life and be a drunken liar, then he can go do that by himself...I would rather be alone than have my life repeatedly destroyed. Told him that he needs to put his man pants on & actually WORK on his sobriety, not just do what's convenient, and that if he can't do it on his own, he needs to take a medical leave of absence from work & check into an in-patient program. I'm done being his mommy, his counselor, his sponsor, etc.

Now, he's sleeping soundly, and I'm just in a tizzy. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I made the right choice in giving him such a firm boundary. He's mentioned that people at his Quad A group were telling him that you have to feel the consequences of your actions in order to really change, and part of me wonders if he failed on purpose or if he was testing my boundaries, or if he's just that messed up that he can't be sober. I just know that I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep wondering if he's being honest with me. I can't keep wondering what I'm going to come home to.

I need peace. I need happiness. I need sanity. I just don't know if kicking him out will get me there or if I can live with knowing the downward spiral he'll go through if I do stick to my guns and follow through and kick him out. I just don't know if there's any coming back from this. I could definitely use some encouragement and hugs right about now.

Oh, and on top of everything else, my dog is now suddenly deaf after his surgery and the vet has no idea why - possibly from anesthesia or from multiple ear infections, and no idea if it's permanent or temporary. I just can't take anymore life challenges right now!!

SoaringSpirits

Boundaries are useless unless you are prepared to follow through on the consequences. You set a boundary, he drank, now you either follow through with what comes next or keep living with the drinking and lying.

I know how hard it is, I do. I told my husband of 16 years that I could no longer live with the drinking. He had a week to figure out a plan. He kept drinking. I made him leave. In the year+ since, he's done nothing to change his life. I've done everything to change mine. We are now getting divorced. I am SO glad I made my boundaries and kept them.

Now you put on your big girl pants and you follow through. Making him face some consequences of his drinking is the most loving thing you can do for him at this point. Best of luck to you.

TudyMagrudy

Sorry that you're going through this. I pray you can find strength. As a vet tech of many years I can say I've seen this affliction (the deafness) in a handful of animals after anesthetic and they almost always recover. I don't know if that is of any comfort to you, but dogs don't mind being deaf a bit anyway; ) hang in there and stick to your guns!

Hypatia

When I start feeling overwhelmed, then it means that I have taken on too many challenges at the same time. The only solution that works for me is to stop trying to do everything at once. I prioritize my to-do list, figure out what I absolutely must be doing right now, and everything else can be completely struck off my to-do list. Perhaps at some time in the future I might consider some of those other tasks again, but right now those things are more trouble than they are worth to me.

In my view, my dogs are like toddlers and absolutely need me every day. They are sometimes challenging, yet bring me a lot of joy and happiness in my life. But to take care of them properly, I have to remain healthy and able. And that means that I have to take care of myself first.

You've stated that peace, happiness and sanity are your main goals. So in your situation, I would carefully consider what I absolutely need to focus on right now, and get rid of anything which distracts me from those goals.

For example, the dog may be a bit of a challenge right now, but I assume it brings you a lot of pleasure and happiness. So the dog stays.

Your job may or may not be something you love to do, but it gets you an income and a measure of independence which means sanity and peace in knowing you can support yourself and pay for your dog's upkeep. So the job stays.

Without you, the dog doesn't get what it needs and everything else falls apart. So you stay.

Now think about the alcoholic....

GettingBy

Say what you mean and mean what you say!!

If you don't follow through, it was a threat and manipulation... Not a boundary.

SOOO if you want it to be a boundary, tell him he has to leave and start figuring out on your end what YOU need to do to make it happen. (ie. can you cover the bills alone, do you need a legal separation to get support, etc)

Talk to an attorney and figure out your options.

I agree with SoaringSpirits. I set the boundary. XAH crossed it. So I left. It wasn't easy but a year plus later I'm so grateful I stood up for me and the kids. XAH hasn't changed... One bit. But my life is ssooooo much better

CeciliaV

Hypatia, what you said really hit home. My job brings me income, freedom, escape from hell at home, and challenges that I can actually manage. My dog brings me joy, companionship, and peace. The alcoholic...um, not so much.

Honestly and somewhat sadly, I can take periodic stumbles in his sobriety (IF he's actually on a path to sobriety). What I can't take is the lies and deceit. He's awake now and it seems he is starting to realize the impact of his actions, and he is starting to verbalize that he knows he has to communicate better and more honestly, but it feels like it's just too little too late. He had asked me earlier today if I wanted him to go - I don't WANT him to go, but I think I need him to.

I'm in no financial condition to take care of all the bills for our current home on my own - if I were to strike out on my own & get a small place closer to work, I could do it (and these are the calculations I've been running to see if I could manage on my own), but I'm really cranky about having to leave MY home. I'm not the one who effed up here, so why should I be punished? I've readjusted my calculations to see what it would take for me to stay here & for him to go. I'd need financial assistance from him to stay here in our condo & continue to do what I need to do (pay for our mortgage, condo assessment, car payment, general dog care & meds, dog daycare, etc.). He would have enough leftover to get a small place and pay his own way.

I hate the extreme of him having to go get his own place, but with no family in this time zone and no friends here, he would have nowhere else to go. I've alienated myself from the friend or two that I've made here, burying myself away from having to deal with the outside world & letting them into my private hell. The only family I've told about any of this is my sister, and I get nauseous just thinking about telling my parents what's been going on.

I have to find the strength to make the right decisions for me. I'm going to have to dig deep.

dancingnow

Are you setting a boundary or getting a divorce?

You told AH that you couldn't live with his active drinking and he is still actively drinking.

My AH and I separated for two years and we managed between the two of us to maintain the two households. It was tight but I even managed to put some of my income aside for a rainy day.

Yes, I was concerned that he might spiral down and become severely ill or end up in a major car accident but I didn't concern myself and focused on my life with my kids.

AH is no longer actively drinking and that had nothing to do with me. He had only his own self to face when making the choices he made.

I am glad he chose to stop drinking.

CeciliaV

Thanks for the reply, dancingnow. I'm not asking for a divorce (yet?), but I'm asking him to go.

I did look into legal separation & divorce so I know what's in store if I do end up going that route, and apparently, in our state, he needs to be habitually drunk for two solid years for me to file for a fault divorce. It's been at least a 18-19 months since I couldn't deny the fact that he had a problem, but looking back, I'm sure he was already habitually drunk for quite some time before that.

Sigh, I hate that I have to think about these things. And I honestly can't believe the cajones on this guy - he went out and got more booze and got drunk *again* and lied about it *again* today. I called my in-laws & left a message to let them know that I asked him to leave and that he would be needing support and help in these coming days. I think they're the only people that he's been at least somewhat honest with regarding his alcoholism, so they are likely his only support system now. I'm resigning from the position of being his support.

Pigtails

Hi, I wanted to let you know that after my dog had hip/pelvic surgery following a car accident, her front leg was paralyzed and they didn't know why- they said it hadn't been like before the surgery and it could either stay like that or get better as she recovered but it stayed like that for a long time- at one point were talking to me about amputation or euthanasia! It took her a long time to recover from the surgery (she's old) but whenever she did recover, the feeling in her front paw quickly came back. At first she had a little limp and had a bootie/wrap for that leg but now she uses it just like she used to, runs and hops around and is totally healed. So please hang in there and think positively although I know that's hard. They don't really know what happens during animal's recovery but they are usually quite resilient and do recover.

As far as your issues with your husband are concerned, this doesn't sound like any way to live. I don't know if he's working or what your incomes are like but if you file for divorce the court will split the income and assets during the pendency of the divorce to continue the status quo financially as much as possible. You can usually get free or low-cost (and well worth the money!) consultations with family law attorneys to see what your options are and how it will affect you. But I would put your piece of mind and sanity first and foremost, even though it will understandably take a financial toll. (Also just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you'll have to follow through-- you can give it time and see if he changes but at least you're protected in the meantime and can keep moving in that direction if he fails to change.) Best wishes.

dollydo

When you are ready to say what you mean...and mean what you say, everything will fall into place...until then...nothing will change.

A boundry not kept is nothing more than an idle threat, and it will send the addict a message that you are only crying wolf...you have then turned all the power over to him.

For every bad action there is a bad reaction, he chooses to drink, he is an adult, let him take care of himself, it is his responsibility to make the right decision for him and live with whatever consequences his bad decisions have created.

mv6348

Read this: Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum

CeciliaV

Wow. Just wow. Thank you. I see a lot of my husband in that article. It's scary as all hell.

He does verbalize that he's "effed" and that everything is messed up, but he's failing to fully make the connection that it's his actions & decisions that are effing it all up. He can totally look at hard evidence of his drinking and discount it as an old bottle, etc. He continues to ask for us to "reset" and start over. He can't yet and maybe never will be able to find a healthier way to deal with his issues, and at this rate, it seems like he's just going to keep drinking since it's all effed up anyway. Which would explain why he went out & bought liquor this afternoon & hid it & lied yet again about drinking. I don't think I ever realized how lies are such an integral part of his addiction.

CeciliaV

There is such a weird feeling in the house right now. He says he's going to get a sponsor and start actually working his steps. For his sake, I hope he does those things. For my sake, I need to start living my life for me, regardless of what he does.

I'm going to do bills today & see where we stand. With the recent dog surgery and his recent trip to go visit family, we've had a lot of big expenditures as of late, so I have to get a handle on what we have, what other bills are coming, and what the financial options are moving forward. I did some searching, and there are some short term rental opportunities for him in the area (furnished room rentals/sublets) at somewhat reasonable rates, so it's seeming financially possible. I don't know. Part of me wants to push him out the door so I can have my space and peace, and part of me doesn't want to. I know my boundary becomes an idle threat if I don't follow through. I'm just terrified to actually make him go.

LifeRecovery

I remained terrified when I split up with my loved one....but then I realized I was going to be terrified if we had stayed together too.

I put so much emphasis on feelings, but sometimes only on the ones that kept me in the same stuck patterns.

It turns out the feelings were feelings, and in many cases I would experience the same type of feeling regardless of what I chose to do...

It took me a long time to seperate out that sometimes I was having the feelings to protect me, but most of the time I was so "worried" about someone else that I was not doing what was good for either of us.

CeciliaV

Bleh, just bleh. That's how I feel - drained and puffy-eyed from too much crying and tired.

AH said this morning that he doesn't want to go but will go if I tell him to - he's agreed to work from home the next two days to watch the dog (and also take the pup in to get the staples from his surgery taken out) while I go back to my regular work schedule.

My brother in law called me back earlier this afternoon while AH was out picking up some lunch. I told him what's been going on - the cycle of drinking/lying/hiding booze with temporary bouts of sobriety, how he had a solid 30 days of sobriety (as far as I know) and then the lying & drinking since he walked in the door from the family visit. He was disappointed and surprised. He's encouraging me to keep communicating with AH & hang in there, and I just don't know how to do that anymore. The cycle has to stop. I can't believe that I actually have any tears left at this point.

AH spoke with our BIL about an hour ago, and they were on the phone for a while. I think his sister got on the phone as well. They're encouraging him to go into an in-patient program if his out-patient programs aren't working, but he's too afraid to go and thinks he'll lose his job. After he got off the phone with them, we talked for a bit. AH said that he knows this is his thing & his problem but that he can't do it alone & he needs to work on us too in order for him to work on his problem. We've got a catch-22 here folks...I won't agree to work on us unless he works on his issues. There's no use in me putting any more effort into a destroyed marriage if he continues with the behavior that destroyed it. (It's not like it was perfect before the drinking, but all our previous issues were exacerbated and a ton of new ones were created.) He said he's never really decided that he wants to be sober before and he's been going through the motions...and not surprisingly, sobriety doesn't just happen if you don't want to be sober.

I'm really at a loss as to where to go from here. AH wants to do couples therapy, but I don't want to even try that if he's not doing something different with his own therapy & sobriety program. He's talking about going on meds for his anxiety, depression, & addiction and he's talking about going to more meetings & group sessions. But there's been so much talk. I need to see a difference in actions.

I'm so emotional and confused right now. I can't even walk from point A to point B of our condo without flittering about like a cracked out butterfly, so me thinks it's not a good time to make any major decisions.

Eddiebuckle

I suggest Home Depot, to buy new locks for your home.

As to the rest of your post that follows the above quote, you need to understand that his actions have nothing to do with your boundary - yours do. He is an active alcoholic, who will continue to do whatever is necessary to maintain his access to alcohol... including stopping for brief periods of time till the latest brouhaha settles down. He has spoken loud and clear where is is in recovery - he is not interested. When he is truly interested, he will put as much effort into not drinking as he previously did to drink. Until that time, you would be best served to follow through on your boundary because as you said:

I need peace. I need happiness. I need sanity.

You will get none of those things with him while he is drinking. And the sad truth is that most alcoholics never get and stay sober.

I apologize if that seems harsh, but I know this because I am one of the fortunate few who has managed to find sobriety. It takes time and effort, I have three sponsees, serve as a respresentative of my homegroup to our district, work with my sponsor, and go to four meetings on a typical week. I've been at this for almost three years, and I do not expect I will ever be "recovered." If your AH gets to a place where he is willing to do what it takes, you can revisit your boundary. Until such time, you can take it to the bank that it will not just be more of the same, it will get worse. That is the reality of our disease.

I wish you well, keep posting.

Eddie

sugarbear1

An addict/alcoholic need only work on themselves in the beginning of recovery, the rest will fall into place. His delusional talk is upsetting. This is coming from an alcoholic...

CeciliaV

Exactly! He needs to start working on himself before I can think about working on us. We're at a crossroads. He's starting to come to some realizations about his drinking & issues, but he's going to have to take action, make a concerted effort, and move forward with his recovery. Any good couples counselor would advise the same. What would our sessions be like?! It'd be me continuously insisting that he commit to sobriety and make serious progress before I can even think of making a serious effort at working on our relationship. Because right now, there really isn't a real relationship to work on. I haven't had a husband or a true partner for a long, long time. I've been living with a drunk, lying teenage boy who has a lot of growing up to do.

SoaringSpirits

This.

For me, in the end, it was about choosing the lesser of two evils. I was terrified to separate, but I knew if I stayed with him, I was slowly killing myself. Given the two choices, terror seemed preferable to death.

keepingmyjoy1

I feel for you since I am in a similar place. But I just wanted to share that over the years, I left my AH 3 times....and we always slipped back into the same lies, drama, alcoholic behavior when I came back. Somehow they always will find a way to make it all about them and their needs. My hope for you (and me!) is that we will finally put OUR needs first. It is ok to reach out for the life we deserve. Hugs. I do understand where you are and it is really hard.