Just need to talk, im confused and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 7
Just need to talk, im confused and scared
This is my first post.
Ive known my partner for many many years but we only got together as a couple a year ago. He had been an active addict for many years but he had gone through 2 years of rehab.
When we started seeing each other, he was happy, postive, clean and fun.
He started meeting up with friends (old friends) then he started drinking again. He was kicked out of home and i let him stay with me, i was afraid to leave him on the streets. The rule in my house was no drinking or taking anything in my house ever! (i have kids)
He was doing well he stopped meeting the A$$hole friends and was keeping in contact with his real friends and was happy for a couple months. Then an old friend met him and he disappeared. I didnt see or hear from him in days. Eventually got a phonecall he was in prison. He got out an went on a drink and drug binge, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks with serious injuries after being attacked.
Of course stupidly i let him stay with me to get better. All the while he was manipulating me, i was blind to it at the time.
He was good for another few months, happy and healthy. Life was good and the fun was back.
Then he started getting low, down and out. And one day he went out and didnt come back... he had disappeared again.
He rang after a while and was really upset, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I took him back to mine to sober him up. The next morning he started having seizures due to the sudden cease of alcohol. I rushed him to hospital.
He signed himself out and has disappeared again.
Im so upset. He knows he needs help, he'll admit that. He is so low right now, talking about killing himself. But he wont take the help being offered.
What do i do?
I have stopped looking for him (ringing friends etc)
Ive told him family im done and sent his stuff back there
Ive decided i cant keep taking him back as its just hurting me
But im at a loss as to what to do for him, im so afraid im going to get a call from the cops or the hospital.
Sorry this is the only place i feel i can vent right now... my friends havent been supportive at all and have no idea the disease that takes over an addict. They cant see why he just doesnt stop.
(ive been here before with me father i know how hard it can be)
Ive known my partner for many many years but we only got together as a couple a year ago. He had been an active addict for many years but he had gone through 2 years of rehab.
When we started seeing each other, he was happy, postive, clean and fun.
He started meeting up with friends (old friends) then he started drinking again. He was kicked out of home and i let him stay with me, i was afraid to leave him on the streets. The rule in my house was no drinking or taking anything in my house ever! (i have kids)
He was doing well he stopped meeting the A$$hole friends and was keeping in contact with his real friends and was happy for a couple months. Then an old friend met him and he disappeared. I didnt see or hear from him in days. Eventually got a phonecall he was in prison. He got out an went on a drink and drug binge, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks with serious injuries after being attacked.
Of course stupidly i let him stay with me to get better. All the while he was manipulating me, i was blind to it at the time.
He was good for another few months, happy and healthy. Life was good and the fun was back.
Then he started getting low, down and out. And one day he went out and didnt come back... he had disappeared again.
He rang after a while and was really upset, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I took him back to mine to sober him up. The next morning he started having seizures due to the sudden cease of alcohol. I rushed him to hospital.
He signed himself out and has disappeared again.
Im so upset. He knows he needs help, he'll admit that. He is so low right now, talking about killing himself. But he wont take the help being offered.
What do i do?
I have stopped looking for him (ringing friends etc)
Ive told him family im done and sent his stuff back there
Ive decided i cant keep taking him back as its just hurting me
But im at a loss as to what to do for him, im so afraid im going to get a call from the cops or the hospital.
Sorry this is the only place i feel i can vent right now... my friends havent been supportive at all and have no idea the disease that takes over an addict. They cant see why he just doesnt stop.
(ive been here before with me father i know how hard it can be)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by cantkeepgoing 
What do i do?
I have stopped looking for him (ringing friends etc)
Ive told him family im done and sent his stuff back there
Ive decided i cant keep taking him back as its just hurting me
Originally Posted by cantkeepgoing
But im at a loss as to what to do for him, im so afraid im going to get a call from the cops or the hospital.
"I'm not A's next of kin. You will have to call someone else. Goodbye."
Originally Posted by cantkeepgoing
Sorry this is the only place i feel i can vent right now... my friends havent been supportive at all and have no idea the disease that takes over an addict. They cant see why he just doesnt stop.
(ive been here before with me father i know how hard it can be)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
You sound like a very strong person who know hows to take care of both yourself and your children. That makes you a fantastic mother.
Think about what sort of a relationship you and your friend have had over the last year. Is it a partnership between two adults, or does it resemble more the sort of relationship which you have with your children?
Think about what sort of a relationship you and your friend have had over the last year. Is it a partnership between two adults, or does it resemble more the sort of relationship which you have with your children?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi CKG
Welcome to SR from another poster from Ireland. So sorry you are going through this rubbish.
I don't have anything to add to what the other two posters said, other than to totally agree with them. To be honest, it sounds like you are a very strong, very intelligent woman, who is naturally doing the right thing without even realising it. You will learn from people here that sadly there is nothing you can do for your friend. I have spent 5 years trying to help/support/control/enable my husband, and it has all been in vain. I'm leaving him in the next week or so.
Look after yourself and your lucky kids (as in, they are so lucky to have you). He is on his own path, sadly it looks like it might be a tragic one. You can only help yourself and your kids, and so far you're doing a great job.
Keep posting here, and please feel free to PM me any time. Sometimes when we're on here it's the middle of the night for a lot of other posters!!
Adventure x
Welcome to SR from another poster from Ireland. So sorry you are going through this rubbish.
I don't have anything to add to what the other two posters said, other than to totally agree with them. To be honest, it sounds like you are a very strong, very intelligent woman, who is naturally doing the right thing without even realising it. You will learn from people here that sadly there is nothing you can do for your friend. I have spent 5 years trying to help/support/control/enable my husband, and it has all been in vain. I'm leaving him in the next week or so.
Look after yourself and your lucky kids (as in, they are so lucky to have you). He is on his own path, sadly it looks like it might be a tragic one. You can only help yourself and your kids, and so far you're doing a great job.
Keep posting here, and please feel free to PM me any time. Sometimes when we're on here it's the middle of the night for a lot of other posters!!
Adventure x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
A couple of things that jumped out at me
His A hole friends don't cause him to drink, his disease does. His A hole friends are just a good excuse.
It's natural and normal to want to rescue him and help him and cure him. Your can't do that. All that will do is drive you crazy.
Put your needs and your kids needs first.
Only he can fix him.
All the best to you
His A hole friends don't cause him to drink, his disease does. His A hole friends are just a good excuse.
It's natural and normal to want to rescue him and help him and cure him. Your can't do that. All that will do is drive you crazy.
Put your needs and your kids needs first.
Only he can fix him.
All the best to you
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi cantkeepgoing 
to SR.
When I have been in this sort of situation, scared, worried and sick to death that my loved one is spiraling out of control despite all my love and efforts to "help" him, I have had to strengthen myself by emotionally detaching from the person. I have had to do this with friends I have known and loved for 30+ years, people I was engaged to marry, and siblings who seemed bent on killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. I have had at least 3 men detox and try to self-rehabilitate in my home, and have spent countless thousands of dollars trying to help them with their addictions, cleaning up their messes, and paying for the financial problems they caused themselves.
I learned about Detachment in Al-Anon. I hope you will go. Here is a link that will allow you to find a meeting near you: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
You can also Google "Emotional Detachment" and find some good reading materials about it, or do a search for threads that talk about it here on SR.
You have done the right thing by realizing you cannot take him back into your home because it is hurting you. Now, you have to make yourself a promise that you will not let him back under any circumstances. This would be Physical Detachment and is a great first step towards reaching Emotional Detachment. Returning his things to his family is also the right thing to do and shows that you are serious about saving yourself instead of trying to save this person who so obviously unconcerned.
Also, something that helps me immensely when I have been dealing and/or living with a person with addiction issues is, every morning when I wake up, I ask myself how I want to live my life. So, for instance, if I were in your position right now, I would even write it down and keep it at my bedside for when I wake up in the morning. The choice would be something like, "Today, do I want to be emotionally healthy and continue to keep this person out of my life, or do I want to be emotionally sick and allow him to return?" And then I make the choice. Soon after starting making these kinds of conscious decisions each and every morning, I become stronger and I no longer have to ask myself the question. I wake up in the morning and I say to myself, "Today I choose to be healthy. Today I choose not to allow sick, addicted, or otherwise dysfunctional people into my life, my home, or my space." It works; why don't you try it too?
(((hugs))) cantkeepgoing You can do this.
to SR.When I have been in this sort of situation, scared, worried and sick to death that my loved one is spiraling out of control despite all my love and efforts to "help" him, I have had to strengthen myself by emotionally detaching from the person. I have had to do this with friends I have known and loved for 30+ years, people I was engaged to marry, and siblings who seemed bent on killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. I have had at least 3 men detox and try to self-rehabilitate in my home, and have spent countless thousands of dollars trying to help them with their addictions, cleaning up their messes, and paying for the financial problems they caused themselves.
I learned about Detachment in Al-Anon. I hope you will go. Here is a link that will allow you to find a meeting near you: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
You can also Google "Emotional Detachment" and find some good reading materials about it, or do a search for threads that talk about it here on SR.
You have done the right thing by realizing you cannot take him back into your home because it is hurting you. Now, you have to make yourself a promise that you will not let him back under any circumstances. This would be Physical Detachment and is a great first step towards reaching Emotional Detachment. Returning his things to his family is also the right thing to do and shows that you are serious about saving yourself instead of trying to save this person who so obviously unconcerned.
Also, something that helps me immensely when I have been dealing and/or living with a person with addiction issues is, every morning when I wake up, I ask myself how I want to live my life. So, for instance, if I were in your position right now, I would even write it down and keep it at my bedside for when I wake up in the morning. The choice would be something like, "Today, do I want to be emotionally healthy and continue to keep this person out of my life, or do I want to be emotionally sick and allow him to return?" And then I make the choice. Soon after starting making these kinds of conscious decisions each and every morning, I become stronger and I no longer have to ask myself the question. I wake up in the morning and I say to myself, "Today I choose to be healthy. Today I choose not to allow sick, addicted, or otherwise dysfunctional people into my life, my home, or my space." It works; why don't you try it too?
(((hugs))) cantkeepgoing You can do this.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time to accept that concept as reality. I wanted to believe my love and help would be enough to cause a lasting change. I now realize I am powerless over another adults choices.
Alanon meetings, SR readings and self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" have helped me learn to take care of the one life I do have control over: Mine. These resources have also helped me to be a better parent, co-worker and friend in relationships.
I think you are doing great! You are standing up for yourself and your children and saying: No more! Not in my house!
Good on you.
Here is a link of steps that helped me with my alcoholic loved one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time to accept that concept as reality. I wanted to believe my love and help would be enough to cause a lasting change. I now realize I am powerless over another adults choices.
Alanon meetings, SR readings and self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" have helped me learn to take care of the one life I do have control over: Mine. These resources have also helped me to be a better parent, co-worker and friend in relationships.
I think you are doing great! You are standing up for yourself and your children and saying: No more! Not in my house!
Good on you.
Here is a link of steps that helped me with my alcoholic loved one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
**{Cant Keep Going}} Welcome to SR but sorry what has brought you here.
I cannot add to much to what has already been said above but please make sure you and your kids are safe at all costs.
Let him worry about himself ( hard I know )
Keep reading and posting - you will gain some beneficial knowledge and amazing advice.
Take care of yourself and you little ones
M
I cannot add to much to what has already been said above but please make sure you and your kids are safe at all costs.
Let him worry about himself ( hard I know )
Keep reading and posting - you will gain some beneficial knowledge and amazing advice.
Take care of yourself and you little ones
M
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 7
Thanks for all the replies, i hadnt internet to come back and reply.
Im still friends and keep in touch with him but he is still living in a homeless mens hostel.
He is on a waiting list to go to a treatment centre so fingers crossed that will happen soon.
He has asked about the future between us and all i could say is i dont know. In my heart i would love it, but in my head im afriad it would be the same things again in a couple years, if something were to happen to someone etc i know he wouldnt handle it well.
I have been trying to emotiionaly detach myself. Ive completely pulled back now, i dont ring around checking he's ok, when he's brought to hospital i refuse to go into him. I have refused to let him come to my house.
Ive actually only seen him a couple times recently and spoken a few times on teh phone, i dont want to get emotionally involved again.
I do still love him very much.
Ive had arguements with friends over him, they cant understand why i would still even consider staying in touch with someone "like that" they seem to forget how nice they all thought he was when we were together and before they knew he had any problems.
I think thats what im finding hardest now, listening to others speak about him as if he was the scum of the earth. And if i try to stop them they say i'm a fool and i still have feelings for him.
Thanks again for all the replies and your stories and links. It felt great getting that off my chest and hearing your prospective. Especially since ye have been here before.
Im still friends and keep in touch with him but he is still living in a homeless mens hostel.
He is on a waiting list to go to a treatment centre so fingers crossed that will happen soon.
He has asked about the future between us and all i could say is i dont know. In my heart i would love it, but in my head im afriad it would be the same things again in a couple years, if something were to happen to someone etc i know he wouldnt handle it well.
I have been trying to emotiionaly detach myself. Ive completely pulled back now, i dont ring around checking he's ok, when he's brought to hospital i refuse to go into him. I have refused to let him come to my house.
Ive actually only seen him a couple times recently and spoken a few times on teh phone, i dont want to get emotionally involved again.
I do still love him very much.
Ive had arguements with friends over him, they cant understand why i would still even consider staying in touch with someone "like that" they seem to forget how nice they all thought he was when we were together and before they knew he had any problems.
I think thats what im finding hardest now, listening to others speak about him as if he was the scum of the earth. And if i try to stop them they say i'm a fool and i still have feelings for him.
Thanks again for all the replies and your stories and links. It felt great getting that off my chest and hearing your prospective. Especially since ye have been here before.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think your friends are, in their backwards way, just trying to protect you. You know what YOU feel, and that's enough. You don't have to defend him or yourself -- how exhausting! I will my fingers crossed for him getting into that treatment centre soon, but also for strength for you in your recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CantKeepGoing, I have been (and still am) in your same shoes with several loved ones. They all happen to be family---which is worse in some ways, I think. (ca'nt divorce
family--LOL).
My Dear, the very most painful reality that I have had to face in this life is that, sometimes, Love is not enough. Not enough to save them.
Maybe you can't stop loving---and you don't have to. But, you may have to love them from a distance. You may only be able to pray for them every day. Pray, and allow the universe to look over them. It is like a contract between you and God (or the un iverse).
I'm sharing this with you in hopes to bring you some understanding or comfort.
You are not alone.
Sincerely, dandylion.
family--LOL).
My Dear, the very most painful reality that I have had to face in this life is that, sometimes, Love is not enough. Not enough to save them.
Maybe you can't stop loving---and you don't have to. But, you may have to love them from a distance. You may only be able to pray for them every day. Pray, and allow the universe to look over them. It is like a contract between you and God (or the un iverse).
I'm sharing this with you in hopes to bring you some understanding or comfort.
You are not alone.
Sincerely, dandylion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 7
Thank you, I know love is not enough. And of course i still have feelings for him and care for him.
His family are amazing and always there to support my decisions.
I hope he gets into treatment and keeps up the aftercare.
Funny enough after i wrote my last post he got in touch with me. He seems to be in a good place with himself at the minute, speaking alot about how low he had gotten. The fact that myself his family and his friends all stepped away and left him at it seems to have knocked something inside him.
He has been seeing his drugs counciler regularly and has been going to meetings until he can get into treatment.
Im staying strong and still told him he cant come to my house and i won't be meeting him until after he's completed his treatment.
Its sad that something can completely take over someones life (and the people around them) so much.
I have been through this before with my father and unfortunately he has relapsed over and over again. No matter how many scares he gets (or us) he keeps going.
Reading threads here makes me realise that there are so many people in the same position as I am. Which puts my mind at ease, as unfortunately the people I have around me don't think its a common problem and don't understand why they just cant stop and think of the damage they are doing to themselves and others.
Its comforting to be able to come onto a forum like this and have people understand what your dealing with, and see how they have dealt with their problems.
Thanks again for listening.
His family are amazing and always there to support my decisions.
I hope he gets into treatment and keeps up the aftercare.
Funny enough after i wrote my last post he got in touch with me. He seems to be in a good place with himself at the minute, speaking alot about how low he had gotten. The fact that myself his family and his friends all stepped away and left him at it seems to have knocked something inside him.
He has been seeing his drugs counciler regularly and has been going to meetings until he can get into treatment.
Im staying strong and still told him he cant come to my house and i won't be meeting him until after he's completed his treatment.
Its sad that something can completely take over someones life (and the people around them) so much.
I have been through this before with my father and unfortunately he has relapsed over and over again. No matter how many scares he gets (or us) he keeps going.
Reading threads here makes me realise that there are so many people in the same position as I am. Which puts my mind at ease, as unfortunately the people I have around me don't think its a common problem and don't understand why they just cant stop and think of the damage they are doing to themselves and others.
Its comforting to be able to come onto a forum like this and have people understand what your dealing with, and see how they have dealt with their problems.
Thanks again for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
But im at a loss as to what to do for him,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by cantkeepgoing
Thanks, im going to look into Al-anon and see if there are any meetings near by. Im not living in the city so not too easy to get to but ill have a look.
I see that your dad was an alcoholic and there is a chance... actually a pretty good probility statistically... that your alcoholic childhood is a big part of your attraction to a man like your A.
Alcoholism is "normal" to us... most normies wouldn't be attracted or get involved with some of the people we are drawn to like moths to a candle! At least... thats just me! In my defense they are usually sexy, hot looking, charming, smart in addition to being very broken alcoholics! LOL... what a mess I have been for a very long time.
I know in my case I am hardwired from my own dysfunctional relationship with my dad (abusive lifelong alcoholic) and that is why I come here read and post as well as attend alanon and counseling.
I am firmly on the alcoholic relationship collecting wagon! No more toxic relationships... ever!
Please keep coming back, read all you can on alcoholism and codependency, find some alanon meetings, or ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) and counseling can be an incredibly beneficial event.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 7
lol thanks for that reply, yes i have had my share of stupid toxic relationships....
And my x is very funny, good looking, good natured, charming and a real gentleman (in between drinking sessions when he turns into a real jerk)
My relationship with my dad was never very much, like you i had a rough family life, not your average anyway, lived with aunts etc and moved out when i was 15 and lived on my own. So i definitely wouldnt have had any type youth.
Ive actually been in touch with my x's drugs worker and she's arranging a time for me to come in for a session. Im really looking forward to it now
And my x is very funny, good looking, good natured, charming and a real gentleman (in between drinking sessions when he turns into a real jerk)
My relationship with my dad was never very much, like you i had a rough family life, not your average anyway, lived with aunts etc and moved out when i was 15 and lived on my own. So i definitely wouldnt have had any type youth.
Ive actually been in touch with my x's drugs worker and she's arranging a time for me to come in for a session. Im really looking forward to it now
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