Sadm0m

I guess I just need to hear that I've done the right thing. My AD is 27. We have been blind and let her use us for too long. Over the past year our eyes have been opened an we have stopped enabling her distructive behavior. She has been thru detox twice. And been released from the programs AMA. Been in th ER more times than I can count. She is currently in jail for probation violations from charges that stemmed from drugs and alcohol. She has no desire to stop at this point and doesn't see anything worth changing for. Things are really bad right now. It breaks my heart to see her this way. She was such a wonderful daughter growing up. We were all so close. I felt so blessed to have 3 such wonderful girls who were so full of life, and so confident with wonderful futures ahead of them. I don't know where she was derailed. I seem to have missed where things went so wrong. I blame myself but honestly have no clue what I should have done differently. I know she is still there clouded by the haze of alcohol. I just wish I knew how to reach her. I miss her so much. My heart just aches to see her his way. She is so angry with us right now. What do I do now? How can I help her find herself again? I want to fix this for her even tho I know that I can't and that she has to fix this not me. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. I keep repeating it to myself. It's not mine to fix. Sorry for the rambling. it's been a really bad week.

headstrong

I'm not sure what you can do if she is behind bars. So I'm confused about what you are asking for an opinion on. What are you doing now that you need reassurance about?

You are right, you can't fix her. The only thing I can think of is to go talk to her while she is in jail and sober to see where she stands. While she is sober, you might be able to talk some sense into her. Beyond that, I don't know what you can do.

Seren

Hi sadm0m, Welcome to SR!

I'm very sorry to hear that your daughter continues to make poor choices. My stepson is the reason I found SR. He was about your daughter's age at the time.

One of the very hardest things that Mr. HG and I had to do was let him go and live his own life, but it was the best gift we could give him. We let him make his own decisions, take his own actions, and deal with the consequences of those actions. We are allowing him the dignity of being his own adult.

I think that by allowing your daughter to handle her own problems, you are providing her with the same gift.

Please make yourself at home here. Read all you can. You have found a great place where people really understand.

dollydo

I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this stress, however, she is an adult and there is nothing you can do to change her choices in life. She can choose to fix her life...or not...the ball must be left in her court. Trying to resolve her issues are counterproductive to her growth to her seeking recovery for life.

Hands off the addict, for her, not you and your codependent response mechanisms.

Please take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and all those in the family & friends area...knowledge is power and just may help to save her life.

If you are not attending Alanon meetings I would suggest that you do so, and, take some time to read Codependent No More.

Keep posting, it will help.

lillamy

Big hugs to you, friend.

I have no experience of having a child who is an addict. I hope I never have to go through that. But I know this, and I know this for a fact: You did not cause her to become an alcoholic.

It wasn't anything you said, or failed to say. It wasn't anything you did, or failed to do. I know there's been long knock-down, drag-out fights about whether there's a biological/biochemical/hereditary explanation for why some people can drink and quit (or try a drug and quit) and other people become addicted, but... it does seem to me like there's no rhyme or reason for who becomes addicted and who doesn't.

Alcoholism is a disease.

Read that again.

Alcoholism is a disease.
And you did no more give it to her than you would have given her allergies or cancer or arthritis.

I have seen friends go through what you have gone through. And I can tell you that the young addicts (like the old addicts!) that I have seen find sobriety and recovery are without fail those who were allowed to find their own bottom. The ones whose parents bailed them out (literally and figuratively)? They're still drinking or drugging..

Someone said on another post that letting the A in your life make his or her own choices is really respecting them as an independent human being who has the capacity and wits to make their own choices. I think that's somewhat easier to see with an A spouse. With your child? It is difficult. Because stepping back and detaching and letting her make her mistakes goes against everything your heart tells you to do. And yet, it works.