With the calm comes doubt
 

It's been about 6 weeks since my AH threatened my life after we had a discussion about divorce. The Dist. Atty decided not to prosecute. I currently have a TRO. No contact has been easy because of his bail conditions first and the TRO now.
I've been doing what I need to do for me. Getting a new place, new phone, etc...
For some reason, maybe it's my body relaxing because I'm not subjected to his verbal abuse and always wondering whether he's drunk, I'm beginning to question myself. Asking myself, was it really that bad? He never hit me so, did I overreact when I called the police? (Mind you, he'd smashed things all over the house, dented door knobs, the kitchen sink, walls - and I've never EVER seen him that angry).

Is this normal? Or should I be listening to those nagging questions.
I also heard today that he has been in some sort of treatment program where he goes to a group meeting a couple of hours a day and is taking some medicine that makes you sick if you drink.
I also hate to argue, fight, engage in conflict - so I may be ready to jump on any thing that may allow for peaceful communication with him.
Ughhhh.
I need to re-read the thread about "if you didn't have a good marriage you won't have a good divorce."

I'm fairly new to this since the incident only happened at the end of June. Advice please!

thanks all
MamaKit:gaah

you need to grieve that life...you left for a reason, and to me, its a good reason...your life is unmanagable due to alcohol.

stop the STINKING THINKING...thats what gets us into trouble...

read the stickies, and forums and learn as much as you can...for you...

3A's
1. AWARENESS
2. ACCEPTANCE
3. ACTION

Is anyone damaging things in your new apartment? Mindlessly breaking things? Is anyone threatening your life in your new apartment? If not, I would think you are better off where you are at.

Mama, I can tell you without a doubt that calling the police was the right thing to do, and honey, it was bad. I grew up in a very violent home, those things went on all the time, you do not have to be hit to abused. Those acts of violence were directed at you, they were meant to hurt and scare you. They were meant as a means of control, it was the end game, you can choose to walk away or sign up for more, because once the violence is released, the potential is there for it to happen again, and again, and again. Some alcoholics who are active communicate with violence. Do not let this happen to you again.

You will have doubts, we all do, it's part of the process, the grief and sadness will last for awhile, but as you begin to move on with your life, things will ease up, you will feel better and your life will feel peaceful. Give yourself some good months to move in a new direction, be kind and gentle with yourself, good things are just around the corner.

We are here , and we care. Katie

Second guessing is part of the condition called codependency, we want to grab those rose colored glasses and slap them back on...knowing full well that we see very clearly without them.

You did the right thing, take some time to grieve and more forward to a better life.

IF you were to go back to him, what would your very clear message be? That you are willing to tolerate violence.

Since you are now willing to tolerate violence, where exactly is the line that will be drawn? And how will you explain that boundary to him so he clearly understands? It's ok to demolish the house but just don't touch me? It's OK to verbally and emotionally abuse me, but just don't hurt me physically? You can't say, "I'll come back but I won't tolerate violence" because your actions say something totally different...making your words meaningless.

IF and WHEN he crosses that boundary, will you then move that line again?

Or are you assuming that your leaving has sent another message and that he has "learned his lesson"? Really....it doesn't work that way. I promise.

So....if you safely assume that things will not change and will most likely get worse (because you've now given the message that violence is OK)... are you willing to live your life that way? The answer is simple: Yes or No.

That qualifies as domestic violence where I live. Threatening to kill you and showing violent behavior is not acceptable. Anywhere. Regardless of what the law says.

You're second-guessing yourself because it's what we do, when we've lived in abusive relationships. We've gotten so used to sh*t that we shouldn't accept that we don't see how sick it is. For me, it took someone to call it "abuse" before I allowed myself to admit that yes, it was.

You're second-guessing yourself because that's what happens psychologically when you've lived with an abuser. You stop trusting your own instincts and your own feelings. You start believing the abuser when he says "I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't such a b**ch" and "It's your fault I got angry because you provoked me."

That's on the same level as kids who say "You tripped me!" when they fall and you're 20 yards away and they just want someone to blame because they don't want to be responsible.

Don't ever for a second doubt that you did the right thing. I left my AXH under a death threat. In retrospect, it didn't come out of thin air. It was just the next level in a circle of violence that had escalated and because I didn't say STOP earlier, it continued. There's no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed, I would have died. Maybe not that night, but eventually, he would have killed me.

Have you consulted a domestic violence counselor? Most places have them available free of cost. I talked to one who told me that she has counseled women who have lived with domestic violence for 25 years. She said emotional and verbal abuse and threats is in some ways more difficult to recover from than physical abuse. (Oh GREAT, you're thinking, THAT's encouraging! But wait, there's more!) Because physical abuse, you can look at the scars and the bruises and say "Yeah. ******* hit me." but emotional and verbal abuse is insidious, because it plants that seed of doubt in your mind... "Was it really that bad?" and "Did I overreact?"

That's exactly what the abuser has trained us to think. That we can't trust our own judgment. That it really is our fault when he gets angry, or violent.

It's not.

Please don't go back.

Thank you everyone.
I can feel myself getting back on course after reading your words. People have told me that I will need to grieve the relationship and I think that is what I am beginning to do. I've been transferring pictures to my new phone and saw some from the occasional good times.
Even though he's been reaching out to friend and neighbors (he's out of state right now) telling them all I am crazy and none of the things they've heard about him is true - all it took was to hear that he wants to save the marriage and a switch goes off in me. I see now that I was trained to come alive at any relatively good behavior or caring on his part and respond to encourage it. But in reality most of the time I was shut down because he was a miserable, manipulative mean drunk.
I know I can't go back. And really, I don't want to. I'm just amazed that his behavior, from across the country and related to me from someone else indirectly, can flip my switch.

I have been meeting with a counselor. She specializes in DV but we haven't had a chance to dig too deep into that yet. We've been talking a lot about how I can be there for my dear boys. I don't see her again until next week. I'm definetly going to focus on this feeling and how my switch is too easily flipped.

Thank you everyone. I am seeing things a bit more clearly as I get ready to turn in for the night.
Gratefully,
MamaKit

Please don't go back. I got TRO. We did the work, he got better for awhile and then years later he reverted back to abusive behavior. We went through so many domestic violence classes and anger management classes..it was such a waste of time. It won't get better. I learned the hard way.

Ouch sweetiewalls.
That's must have been such a terrible disappointment.
I'm sorry for the wasted time.
We deserve better!
Thank you:hug:

MamaKit,

You are doing things in the same order I did them: I spent the better part of two years getting my kids through counseling and using my counseling time to learn strategies for how to help my children. Only in the past few months have I started really digging into my issues. I don't know that I would do it differently -- I don't know that I could have done it differently -- but I can see in retrospect that I could actually have been of more help to my children if I had sorted out some of my own baggage first...

You sound very strong and sensible. And that stuff that he's telling your old neighbors? I finally came to the conclusion that whoever trusts him over me isn't worthy of being my friend anyway. :)

"I see now that I was trained to come alive at any relatively good behavior or caring on his part and respond to encourage it. But in reality most of the time I was shut down because he was a miserable, manipulative mean drunk."

MamaKit, I started the thread "if you don't have a good marriage, don't expect a good divorce".

This is exactly what I am experiencing. I am finding it confusing, mind boggling, actually. Often I get drawn back in and then suddenly I realize I am back in quicksand, and sinking fast. When that happens, my pattern has been to turn against myself, doubt myself, start to sink into real depression.

There are two books that I have found enlightening. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists describes a personality disorder where the person is grandiose, always in control, blaming, unaccountable for their own behavior, punititive. manipulative, destructive, and fits my AH to a T.

Almost a Psychopath is new, written by a Harvard psychiatrist and a lawyer from research done at Harvard's psychiatric hospital. It describes how behavior in a disturbed person can be almost psychopathic, just of lesser degree. So if they are punitive, blaming, play head games for their own ends, they are using the same behavior a psychopath would, except they aren't at the criminal level My AH fits that to a T. I think a lot of late stage alcoholic behavior fits here.

These books help me right my thinking when it goes upside down and I think I am the whole problem. I keep coming back to this forum, and people keep helping me see what is real and what is not.

We have been brainwashed, and in leaving, our AH's fear losing their stability if they lose their enablers, so they pull out all their tricks, even being nice.

Try googling "gaslighting". It's from an old movie, set around the turn of the century when houses had gas lighting. The husband wants to drive the wife insane, so he rigs the gas lights to flicker, and when she sees that he says there is nothing wrong and she feels crazy.

Feel free to send me a private message - I think we are in this together. Last night my AH sent me an e-mail that if I didn't accept an outrageous asset division or revise it RIGHT NOW he "would not allow me to remove any items at all from our house." Nevermind that I don't have to negotiate with him - the divorce court will do that, or that I own have the stuff in the house and Monday we agree about what I could take from the house.

From what you've said, you are being abused. You are just momentarily in the calm eye of his hurricane, and only because that suits him as a tactic to get you back. From my experience, the winds and fury of the storm will soon be back. We are disrupting a pattern of enabling that is a profound structure in our AH's emotional stability, and they will do whatever they have to to get that support structure back in place.

Soon, I bet I'll be back here, oozing into the quicksand again with AH's next trick. I'm trying to get to where I can assess the situation BEFORE I fall in, but I haven't mastered that yet.

BothSidesNow

the FOCUS for now and always will be is: you and your boys...nothing more...