scacra1

Hi All,

Just wondering if anyone can provide me a different way of thinking about being single.. this may encourage me further to get a move on and leave my AH!
i currently see being single as very lonely with lots of time spreading out ahead of me filled full of nothing.. and i don't feel in a hurry to get to this point in my life but i know i need to!
so i need some advice on you guys about the positives of being single and the kinda things you guys do to keep yourself busy.
i work full time and am finishing my masters degree off in the next few weeks. i also go to a gym 5 times per week.
i have friends but most of them are married with young children. i am not married and neither do i children.
Any thoughts welcomed!

dandylion

If you get involved with life, the people around you will recognize and friendships will develop in a natural way. Joining groups that are organized around a point of interest are a good way to go. You might feel "awkward" to join at first---but, that is your secret.

I have no idea what your areas of interest are? It would help us if you could post a list of your interests, skills, etc.

I look forward to seeing the list---

dandylion

gerryP

work on getting to the root of your fear of being lonely Sacra. Therapy might be a good place to start. You can be lonely in a room full of 100 people.

You refer to ending your relationship with your AH, but also say you aren't married?

FireSprite

Maybe instead think of it as "lots of time spreading out ahead of me filled with EVERYthing" instead?

seek

I can't even imagine that anyone would actually prefer living in chaos with an active alcoholic to peace . . .but that's just me.

It sounds like you are very busy and will just need some social outlets. Check out the Meetup groups in your area and meet people through mutual interests.

Whatever your master's degree is in may bode for a job change in the future and perhaps that will broaden your horizons. You could even move, since you seem to have no attachments. If that is the case, day dream about where you might like to live - you could start a whole new life for yourself - free from stress, worry, and dysfunction. Can you imagine such a thing?

scacra1

oops.. sorry, misunderstanding of the AH.. thought it stood for Alcoholic, i gather now it means alcoholic husband?!! Anyway, i meant leaving my alcoholic partner! Sorry.

Dandylion - thanks - interests are exercising, socialising, eating out, travelling, spending quality time with my friends... i also like to educate myself, be it via a formal qualification (i.e masters degree im currently doing) or previously i read up a lot on the human body, health and nutrition. i also like a lot of self learning/self reflection to try and understand myself and develop myself as a good person. So i have a lot of interests but not a very big family, no husband children etc, and friends with busy lives which can seem very lonely sometimes!
Gerry P - i guess all my life ive felt some kind of loneliness, ive never really considered therapy as i figured feeling like this was just normal?! The only time ive ever come close to considering therapy is right now due to my experiences with my Alcoholic partner!
Fire sprite.. thanks for the alternate view - thats how i want to think, so im trying to think of all the things i can do to keep me busy so i can focus on that rather than being thinking about being lonely! i do however seem to strugle with motivation sometimes when im on my own, no idea why!

thanks guys for the posts!

scacra1

Seek - yes, moving would be ideal for me, however, i identified my blocker, and again.. its loneliness!! i feel a level of fear about moving to another town and being on my own.. i stay in my home town even though i would love to move mainly due to fear of moving and never making friends etc...!!

its crazy but my fear of loneliness seems to be a real stumbling block for me so i think i need to try and work on this, i know i wont ever be truly happy until i have dealt with this, although easier said than done!

and yes - its social outlets i crave- just a bit of time to chat and have some quality time with some good company.
i do enjoy my own company but i do have a limit to it also.

CentralOhioDad

Think of ALL the things that you wanted to do when you were not single, and DO them! Go to the restaurants they didn't like but you did; take cooking classes (I did that when I was single, even though it sucks sometimes to cook for one!); travel to a place you always wanted to see; learn a new skill; get a dog/cat - they are great soothers of loneliness; landscape your yard and plant new flowers or bushes..

Now, if I only had the time to do these things myself!

Most of all - ENJOY yourself and all that life has to offer. There has been a lot of talk about taking things one day at a time and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Make the most of each day, and let tomorrow happen as it should.

I don't remember where on this site I got this, but I saved it along with a bunch of other quotes that I've found inspiring: “Just for today, I will live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once. Those of the past need not concern me today; future ones can be faced as they arise.”

You'll be okay, and you've got the support of everyone here..

seek

Well, at least you have identified your fear so you can work on it. I would suggest using EFT to try to work through it . . .it's free and on YouTube . . .and I would also start daydreaming about the locations you might like to CONSIDER moving to . . .just as a fun exercise - no pressure . . . get some travel mags, make a collage for yourself (no thinking allowed . . .light a candle, set a sacred space, put a cooking or travel show on TV or some nice music on . . .and start ripping pages from travel and other mags, and see where your spirit is directing you.

As for the loneliness . . .you WILL make friends . . .trust in that. There are Meetups in every town. Check out some of the places you are interested in and put "fun things to do in 'whatever' town" into a search engine and see what comes up - and check out the Meetups in that town . . .that sounds like more fun than dealing with alcoholic anything!

Don't let your fears stop you. You are already into health, so you are on the right track. I also study Holistic Health.

scacra1

Yes, i know its right about all the things that i can do, but i often think.. some of them i dont want to do on my own (i.e restaurant), all the rest of it sounds like a good plan!
i also have a little cat who makes me very happy! we understand unconditional love! ;-)
And for sure the help of this forum makes a big difference!

4MyBoys

You seem to like to excercise, how about a new yoga class to meet some people or my sister went online when she moved to a new town and met a bunch of new women to run with. She now runs 1/2 marathons. Just think of things that interest you and branch out from there. I know easier said than done.....

ZiggyB

I got a divorce about 5 years ago and I was terrified of being on my own so I know how you feel. The thing is, when you're in a bad relationship it's just as lonely as being by yourself.

So I've been dating here and there, I read a lot, I do stuff with friends, go to the gym, have a meditation practice, paint. I am not married either and I don't have kids. I am kind of an introvert though so I don't mind being alone sometimes. You could do volunteer work, get involved with a church or other spiritual group, go back to school, travel...

Sometimes it is a bit lonely but mostly I think it's great, nobody to argue with, tell me what to do, I can be as messy or as neat as I want, eat and cook what I want. I just broke up with an axbf, I can't imagine how miserable he would have made me if I was married to him. lol

scacra1

oh thanks everybody... im starting to feel much more positive already!

Tomorrow i intend to post my list of things i have decided to do... gives me a focus and something to look forward to and plan for!

seek

I think it is great to focus on the positive . . .there are traumas but we have to take responsibility for creating the most positive lives we can.

lillamy

You know... part of being in a relationship with an alcoholic is exactly what you're talking about: You forget what you used to do for fun. You forget who you used to be. Because your life becomes filled with the drinking, drunken behavior, hangover, cleanup, worry, etc.

You WILL have a lot more time when you're single. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I did.

I found that cleaning my house was fun.
Yeah, I'm a little bit crazy but it was. Because once it was only me (well, and the kids), and nobody making a mess -- once it felt like MY home where we were safe and secure and nobody would yell at us or tell us we were idiots... keeping that home clean was so much fun! I thought I'd have to go have my head examined when I was scrubbing floors and singing. Who had I become, Cinderella???

I found that I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I read a lot -- I've found two new authors whose work I have devoured. I tried some new things I haven't tried before: Archery. Zumba. Needlepoint (that one didn't stick!). Baking cookies (that one wasn't a success either.) My latest thing is learning how to use a handgun. Crazy new stuff I would never have done before.

For me, becoming single wasn't negative at all. I didn't feel like I lost anything; I felt like I had gained freedom. Room to do new things. Old things. Or stay in bed and read. Or putz around in my jammies and drink tea and listen to old music all day.

I love my single life. Now, I have a man in my life, and that's good, too. But being single wasn't lonely. And it was also a good time for me to find the way back to myself again. Find out who I am, now.

You'll be fine. You will.

Learn2Live

I'm with Lillamy. I also discovered I loved cleaning my house and the fact that there was NO ONE to have to work around or clean up after. I had a whole house to myself and loved every minute of being alone in it.

I also was scared to death to leave my hometown but I did it and it was the best thing I could have done for myself!

I have never regretted living alone or being single. It is empowering.

Shadydeal

I have always SAID but not always done... lol It is better to be single and alone than married and alone! If your single and alone you can do something about it. Such as things for yourself, space, doing things when your ready, making your own decisions and the chances are better that you won't always be alone! My girl friends have been blessings in my life. We learn to adjust to our lifestyle. I won't lie I get lonely but at least I am alone rather than feeling lonely and trapped!

Bluebonnet1

Do you just exercise alone? I'm with 4myboys in that maybe you can find a group activity. I attended group classes regularly at the same gym, and we all became such good friends that some of them created an offshoot running group. I actually froze my membership and joined a new boot camp. The classes are very small and the trainer introduces everyone. Even though we're from all walks of life, everyone genuinely supports your success. It's become the best part of my day, even if it does start at 6 am!!

SundayGirl2012

I've been a volunteer for Guiding (Girl Scouts in the States) all my adult life. I've moved around the UK but there's always a group down the road for me to join. I enjoy spending time with young people, though I appreciate that's not to everyone's taste. I also enjoy meeting the network of adult volunteers that exists in each area - there's usually a social side to this network too. I find doing something for others seems to takes me out of myself somehow - I really value it. For an hour and a half a week, there's no time or space to worry, fret, tie myself up in knots - just a bunch of 24 energetic girls aged 7 to 10 who are engrossed in today's activity. UK Guides don't require their adult volunteers to have any special qualifications or skills - just a willingness to show up and get stuck in. I'm sure there's other networks of volunteers for other topics (conserving the environment, befriending the elderly, looking after abandoned animals, etc) - pick your favourite cause and put yourself forward.
Hope that helps!
SG

Seren

When I was single, I used to love doing things on my own!! I still do when I am traveling alone for work etc.

Eating out is fantastic! Just bring something to read!!
I could set my own schedule without having to coordinate with anyone else. I would go to the library, the zoo, the art museum, the history museum, out to eat, as long as I had some free time!