Father/Husband Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Father/Husband Alcoholic
My husband hides alcohol in the house and garage and truck. He is a highly functioning alcoholic. He does not drink before or during work and he is very serious about exercise so he never drinks during the day if he hasn't worked out yet. He does drink every night though and he has become very isolated from the rest of the family. He drinks while doing yard work and things that keep him outside where we cannot see that he is drinking. This used to be a weekend type activity but it is constant now. We have two young children who now know that his personality completely changes when he has alcohol. He is in no way violent, but his judgement is off and I can no longer leave the kids and go out if I think there is any chance that he will have a drink. I feel sometimes like we are waiting around for disaster to happen. HE is very opposed to me suggesting help of any kind. He thinks that he can control the drinking but he obviously cannot. I am most concerned about the example he is setting. There are several of his family members who are alcoholics and I worry about our children going down this road.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
You do have a valid reason of concern over your husband's drinking, and his family history of alcoholism. Some alcoholism has a genetic factor. Some members of the same family do not process alcohol the same as others. The chemical reaction causes the person to become completely addicted to alcohol. It penetrates every cell of the body and the body craves more. If your husband has this genetic response to alcohol, he may also have passed that gene to your children.
Getting yourself educated on alcoholism will help you educate/inform your children about the dangers of alcohol in their lives.
I found one of the most helpful resources on educating myself on alcoholism was a book: "Under the Influence" and we have excerpts from that book posted here at SR.
This is a link to the excerpts from "Under the Influence": http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse if untreated.
You have power and control of your children for a few years. However, we are powerless to change our alcoholic partners. I tried for years, and years to get my husband to see the light, see how his behavior was affecting our entire household, to get him to see that he was making unhealthy choices. In the process, I became so focused on him ~ I lost touch with myself.
When I discovered SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I won't Cure it
The addiction to alcohol belonged to the adult with the addiction.
This is a link to a permanent post (called stickies) that contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
You do have a valid reason of concern over your husband's drinking, and his family history of alcoholism. Some alcoholism has a genetic factor. Some members of the same family do not process alcohol the same as others. The chemical reaction causes the person to become completely addicted to alcohol. It penetrates every cell of the body and the body craves more. If your husband has this genetic response to alcohol, he may also have passed that gene to your children.
Getting yourself educated on alcoholism will help you educate/inform your children about the dangers of alcohol in their lives.
I found one of the most helpful resources on educating myself on alcoholism was a book: "Under the Influence" and we have excerpts from that book posted here at SR.
This is a link to the excerpts from "Under the Influence": http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse if untreated.
You have power and control of your children for a few years. However, we are powerless to change our alcoholic partners. I tried for years, and years to get my husband to see the light, see how his behavior was affecting our entire household, to get him to see that he was making unhealthy choices. In the process, I became so focused on him ~ I lost touch with myself.
When I discovered SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I won't Cure it
The addiction to alcohol belonged to the adult with the addiction.
This is a link to a permanent post (called stickies) that contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
I agree with Pelican. You will find lots of information and support here.
It sounds like your husband and I have a lot in common (unfortunately) so I think you are correct to be concerned and I am glad that you are seeking information and help. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.
It sounds like your husband and I have a lot in common (unfortunately) so I think you are correct to be concerned and I am glad that you are seeking information and help. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Aspen, You are so correct to be concerned about your children. Even though they are young, they have already have become affected by the alcoholism. It is just that they can't articulate it and don't know that what they observe isn't "normal". The fact that they have relatives and a father who is alcoholic puts them at high risk for addiction themselves (genetic theory). Indirectly, whatever affects their mother--affects them.
I am not trying to be insensitive or to scare you. This is just the reality of life for children. Your concern shows that you are a loving mother and want the best for your children.
The good news is that they are still young. You can still "recover" yourself and provide an environment for them to grow-up in to prepare them for a healthy life. You have time to LEARN. Oh, aspen, there is sooo much to learn about this disease and about co-dependency. We are all still learning and growing. There is happiness and joy to be had in this life.
You have no control over your husband or his disease, but you do have control over you. You will learn all about this in alanon and in your studies.
Keep posting here. We understand. You are not alone.
dandylion
I am not trying to be insensitive or to scare you. This is just the reality of life for children. Your concern shows that you are a loving mother and want the best for your children.
The good news is that they are still young. You can still "recover" yourself and provide an environment for them to grow-up in to prepare them for a healthy life. You have time to LEARN. Oh, aspen, there is sooo much to learn about this disease and about co-dependency. We are all still learning and growing. There is happiness and joy to be had in this life.
You have no control over your husband or his disease, but you do have control over you. You will learn all about this in alanon and in your studies.
Keep posting here. We understand. You are not alone.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Aspen, I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know I am in a similar boat. I am currently working on breaking my co-dependency, getting my affairs in order, collecting important docs, and focusing on what I need to do to protect my child/children.
I'm scared, I'm sad, and I'm trying to be strong enough to do right by my kids. Leaving an AH is bad, but not as bad as risking my children becoming A's when they grow up. That is my driving motivation at this point.
I'm scared, I'm sad, and I'm trying to be strong enough to do right by my kids. Leaving an AH is bad, but not as bad as risking my children becoming A's when they grow up. That is my driving motivation at this point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Thank you all for your responses. It is easy to begin thinking I am alone. From the outside no one would be able to tell there's a problem. Nice house, good jobs, nice kids and my husband is always around. I tell myself a lot that I'm overreacting. I do speak pretty frankly about alcohol to my kids. I let them know their father loves them and that this is a disease. Something I cannot fix. But hard for a 10 and 8 year old to understand.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Aspen,
My AH is exactly like that. He also keeps bottles hidden in the garage, his truck and his bedroom closet. He will openly have some beer bottles in the refrigerator but the bottles (and his choice is vodka) are always hidden like I don't know he has them. I used to get so angry I would set them out on the counter or on his bed as to say "See you can't hide this from me." All that did was make him angry and then his rotten mood would start. My AH also doesn't crack a beer till 8 p.m. Here is the thing. Everyone tells us how progressive the disease is and I am not disputing that, but the first 15 years of our marriage he was a far worse drunk. He played alot of sports and drank from morning till night on the weekends till he was stumbling drunk. Many times he never even made it home, slept on his buddies sofa. During the workweek, he drank after work every day and most days till he was drunk. He resided in local bars and gambled away much of our money. The past 10 years he has controlled himself more. I have only seen him stumbling drunk a few times and we are together all the time and he keeps to the 8p.m. rule he has set for himself. He only gambles if we go together to the slots now. So the second 10 years have been far easier to live with then the first 15 years. We seldom fight and he just comes home from work and goes to bed.
My AH is exactly like that. He also keeps bottles hidden in the garage, his truck and his bedroom closet. He will openly have some beer bottles in the refrigerator but the bottles (and his choice is vodka) are always hidden like I don't know he has them. I used to get so angry I would set them out on the counter or on his bed as to say "See you can't hide this from me." All that did was make him angry and then his rotten mood would start. My AH also doesn't crack a beer till 8 p.m. Here is the thing. Everyone tells us how progressive the disease is and I am not disputing that, but the first 15 years of our marriage he was a far worse drunk. He played alot of sports and drank from morning till night on the weekends till he was stumbling drunk. Many times he never even made it home, slept on his buddies sofa. During the workweek, he drank after work every day and most days till he was drunk. He resided in local bars and gambled away much of our money. The past 10 years he has controlled himself more. I have only seen him stumbling drunk a few times and we are together all the time and he keeps to the 8p.m. rule he has set for himself. He only gambles if we go together to the slots now. So the second 10 years have been far easier to live with then the first 15 years. We seldom fight and he just comes home from work and goes to bed.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Aspen,
I can't imagine that with a job, a wife, two children, and a house, that boredom is even a factor in this at all.
When I first arrived at SR, I wondered about it all the time...the reasons why. One thing I have learned by simply reading over in the Alcoholism forum is that there seems to be a universal need to numb the pain, to clamp down on the emotions.
It seems to me that it is primarily a much deeper issue than boredom.
I can't imagine that with a job, a wife, two children, and a house, that boredom is even a factor in this at all.
When I first arrived at SR, I wondered about it all the time...the reasons why. One thing I have learned by simply reading over in the Alcoholism forum is that there seems to be a universal need to numb the pain, to clamp down on the emotions.
It seems to me that it is primarily a much deeper issue than boredom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
I am at my end. My husband drinks so much he is absolutely unbearable to be around. I try to busy myself and the kids but it's a rare night we don't have some sort of scene. He is obnoxious, insulting and usually does something that requires my cleaning up after him etc. in the korning he remembers nothing and thinks I'm exaggerating to give him a hard time. I would leave or vice versa but I'm worried about his mental state since he suffers from serious depression. At least at home I know he's safe. I have tried backing off and also insisting he gets help. I don't know the answer but it gets worse everyday. I try to be upbeat for the kids, give them a good holiday, but it's getting harder and harder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I understand you are concerned about his depression, but he is a grown man and you are not responsible for protecting him from the consequences of his choices. There is help available for both alcoholism and depression, not at all difficult to find, if he chooses to seek it out.
Your children, on the other hand, are at the mercy of their parents and their parents's choices. You must also take care of and protect yourself if you are to provide a stable, non abusive environment for them. Sending you strength and hugs.
Your children, on the other hand, are at the mercy of their parents and their parents's choices. You must also take care of and protect yourself if you are to provide a stable, non abusive environment for them. Sending you strength and hugs.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I left when I realized I was portraying an unhealthy relationship model for my children.
I did not want my son to treat his future partner the way I was being treated.
I did not want my daughter to accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting by staying.
Alcohol is a depressant. The more he drinks, the worse the depression becomes. From personal experience, mixing alcohol and anti-depressants is not a healthy combination. I believe that's why anti-depressants have warning labels on the bottles about drinking alcohol with the prescription.
I did not want my son to treat his future partner the way I was being treated.
I did not want my daughter to accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting by staying.
Alcohol is a depressant. The more he drinks, the worse the depression becomes. From personal experience, mixing alcohol and anti-depressants is not a healthy combination. I believe that's why anti-depressants have warning labels on the bottles about drinking alcohol with the prescription.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I am sorry for what you are going through Aspen. Can't offer advice but people here are very understanding and won't judge. I know you are doing your best for your kids.....and that is all any of us can do. My AH has said things too that he doesn't remember saying - I guess it is a form of alcoholic blackout? But it is frightening and if it tips into physical violence dangerous....
Very best of luck
Very best of luck
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