I suck at this...vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
I suck at this...vent
He blames me for everything that is wrong with his life.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Unfortunately the 'good' parts and the 'bad' parts are ALL him. There is no separating the two. We all want our alcoholic loved ones to "see their potential". We have no control over that.
Can you love all of him....as he is right now?
If not, then you perhaps have some decisions to make. I hope you will make a plan that includes protecting yourself and your children from active alcoholicsm.
Can you love all of him....as he is right now?
If not, then you perhaps have some decisions to make. I hope you will make a plan that includes protecting yourself and your children from active alcoholicsm.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
((((((((((((Lulu)))))))))))))
You know the truth, right????
None of this is on you.
Lu, what are you doing for your own recovery right now????
You need support. The beginning of this journey was very difficult for me too, it does get easier, the stress you are under is causing lots of confusion and depression . Once he is gone , sorting this all out will be easier.
We are here Lulu, please keep posting.
We care about you!!!!
You know the truth, right????
None of this is on you.
Lu, what are you doing for your own recovery right now????
You need support. The beginning of this journey was very difficult for me too, it does get easier, the stress you are under is causing lots of confusion and depression . Once he is gone , sorting this all out will be easier.
We are here Lulu, please keep posting.
We care about you!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
Can you love all of him....as he is right now?
If not, then you perhaps have some decisions to make. I hope you will make a plan that includes protecting yourself and your children from active alcoholicsm.
If not, then you perhaps have some decisions to make. I hope you will make a plan that includes protecting yourself and your children from active alcoholicsm.
No I cannot.
I love him as the father of my children and the not addicted drunk and drug addict he IS!!! However, his number one love is drink and drugs ABOVE ALL ELSE. That's his number 1.
My number 1 is the children and their safety and happiness. My number 2 is continuing my career to ensure my children have security and a home - a home that is NOT rocked by a drunken father rampaging around it slagging off their mother.
I've got to stop thinking of all the "what ifs"
What if he is so drunk he can't find his apartment? - not my problem
What if he falls asleep and sets the apartment on fire like he did here and could have killed us all, when my children are there? THAT **** SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME? The things he could do when I am not there and he has the kids...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Lulu39
He blames me for everything that is wrong with his life.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
does this mean he is moving out?
I really hope so.
You and the kids can have a real life if he does.
He is using you as an emotional garbage dump.
you deserve to be as happy as you can be. You dont have to join him in
his crummy lifestyle.
best wishes, for you and the children.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by Lulu39
He blames me for everything that is wrong with his life.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
He abuses me verbally, emotionally and financially.
He says things in front of the children that are disgusting. Last night the news showed that a jail was going to give syringes to the inmates. STBXAH was explaining it to the children:
"They are DRUG ADDICTS"
The kids looked weirded out because they see and hear him smoke pot from a bong over and over again every day of their lives....so he adds:
"They are not drug addicts like me, they are BAD!"
FFS. Like seriously?
He also apologised to me, when I brought it up, for saying in earshot of the kids: "You'll have another man on top of ya as soon as I'm gone".
So, with one apology that he probably didn't really mean, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will admit that he is powerless over his addictions. I imagine the fabulous family holiday we could take, I imagine him taking the kids out to do something fun.
It's all my imagination. Isn't it.
He applied to rent an apartment today. He was excited to tell me and the kids about it. I had no outward reaction. Inside I felt and feel pretty sad. But I know I am sad due to the man he could be and not the man he is. The kids are sad due to the fantasy family they want us to pretend having, not for the one we have.
He is busy buying stuff for his new apartment. He bought a crappy washing machine. I am busting to tell him that it is a waste of money, there is NOWHERE in his apartment (I googled the floor plans) to put a washing machine and there is most likely (from what I can see online) a laundry room in the building. But that's me trying to control something I never had any control over anyway.
He will have to discover that **** for himself.
I've even thought about where he will smoke the pot in his new apartment. A spot where it won't stink out the place. Like it's any of my business?
He is in total denial. He drinks and takes drugs because of me. He abuses me because I drive him to do it. He misses work because he drinks too much and takes too many drugs because I expect too much. He is not a successful musician because I once told him to drop his loser mates and find another band. He has failed university 3 times because I expected him to help around the house.
Oh and this I just remembered: He smashed my previous car because I refused to go out and buy gas for the lawn mower so I forced him to drive drunk. Him smashing my car was all my fault.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry, but it makes me so sick, when the drink/drugger is so selfishly hurling their verbal vomit, in order to make you 'deal with it', instead of caring for the feelings of anyone else. I know that happens a lot, but not every addict/alcoholic is that self absorbed.
I just hate how the families/children/spouses are verbally abused on top of the worry of having an addicted loved one.
I just hate how the families/children/spouses are verbally abused on top of the worry of having an addicted loved one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I agree Lulu, you are doing a good job. Detaching isn't easy, but you seem to be putting that tool to use. I know it is hard, but try to see how you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children, and give yourself a pat on the back.
You have great worth and so do your children. Someday things will be so much better, when you can shake off the bad junk that does not belong to you.
best wishes, and hang in there,
chicory
You have great worth and so do your children. Someday things will be so much better, when you can shake off the bad junk that does not belong to you.
best wishes, and hang in there,
chicory
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Lulu39
What if he falls asleep and sets the apartment on fire like he did here and could have killed us all, when my children are there? THAT **** SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME? The things he could do when I am not there and he has the kids...
This fear is holding you back.
The reality for most of us with active alcoholic partners is that the alcoholic never bothers to take their turn with visitation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
More quacking:
"I think I'll drink LESS once I'm away from you. And that's why I reject your argument. Everything you do and say makes me drink and behave like I do."
HIM: "Which pictures can I take?"
Me: "None". I can make you copies if you like.
HIM: "Sigh, I would like that picture of the kids I got you for Xmas. That's $200 down the drain. Fat load of good it did me."
Translation: He got me a picture of the kids to try to get laid.
The reason he drinks and drugs and abuses me is because I make him do it, simply by breathing and existing. He also drinks and drugs and abuses me more because I refuse to allow such a filthy pig to touch me.
He keeps walking/stumbling around the house whistling and being rather jolly and happy. Talking to the kids about what a FABULOUS time they will have at his place. That's in between asking me:
HIM: "Can I have the nice coffee table?"
Me: "Nup.
HIM: "Can I have the other coffee table?"
Me: "Yep"
HIM: "Can I have the two seater sofa?"
Me: "Yep"
He fails to remember we have already had this conversation at least 3 times.
Last time he asked for the 3 seater sofa and I told him he could have it.
I told him he could also take the stupid fridge he insisted on buying (with my money) when we already had an excellent fridge. He has no memory of these conversations whatsoever.
In the last couple of days he has bought himself a washing machine - I already know there is nowhere to put it in his ******* bedsit. We already have a spare washing machine in the tool shed. He has no freaking idea.
And now, he's whistling and smiling and telling the kids what a fabulous time they will have at his place. It's in the city so they can go to the movies, get take out food whenever they like, do whatever they like "without your f****** stupid mother around"...
He's acting like it was idea for him to go and he was f****** fabulous for thinking of it.
"I think I'll drink LESS once I'm away from you. And that's why I reject your argument. Everything you do and say makes me drink and behave like I do."
HIM: "Which pictures can I take?"
Me: "None". I can make you copies if you like.
HIM: "Sigh, I would like that picture of the kids I got you for Xmas. That's $200 down the drain. Fat load of good it did me."
Translation: He got me a picture of the kids to try to get laid.
The reason he drinks and drugs and abuses me is because I make him do it, simply by breathing and existing. He also drinks and drugs and abuses me more because I refuse to allow such a filthy pig to touch me.
He keeps walking/stumbling around the house whistling and being rather jolly and happy. Talking to the kids about what a FABULOUS time they will have at his place. That's in between asking me:
HIM: "Can I have the nice coffee table?"
Me: "Nup.
HIM: "Can I have the other coffee table?"
Me: "Yep"
HIM: "Can I have the two seater sofa?"
Me: "Yep"
He fails to remember we have already had this conversation at least 3 times.
Last time he asked for the 3 seater sofa and I told him he could have it.
I told him he could also take the stupid fridge he insisted on buying (with my money) when we already had an excellent fridge. He has no memory of these conversations whatsoever.
In the last couple of days he has bought himself a washing machine - I already know there is nowhere to put it in his ******* bedsit. We already have a spare washing machine in the tool shed. He has no freaking idea.
And now, he's whistling and smiling and telling the kids what a fabulous time they will have at his place. It's in the city so they can go to the movies, get take out food whenever they like, do whatever they like "without your f****** stupid mother around"...
He's acting like it was idea for him to go and he was f****** fabulous for thinking of it.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Ooopha... the hallway of hell. I remember it well. It was HORRIBLE when we were still living together yet working towards separating. Extra self care and a big dose of letting go is the only thing that got me through it! I had to remind myself on a daily, if not hourly basis that... This too shall pass... and More will be revealed!
It was soooo hard to not get sucked into my XAH's drama. He would go on and on about how great life was going to be without me. He was going to buy this or that. My response... outloud was silence... in my head it was, "Whatever!". And then I would go do something just for me.
When I stayed focused on me and the kids... life was good. When I got spun up into XAH and his disease... life became chaotic and unmanageble.
Keep your eye on the prize... A home free of alcoholics/addicts!!!
It was soooo hard to not get sucked into my XAH's drama. He would go on and on about how great life was going to be without me. He was going to buy this or that. My response... outloud was silence... in my head it was, "Whatever!". And then I would go do something just for me.
When I stayed focused on me and the kids... life was good. When I got spun up into XAH and his disease... life became chaotic and unmanageble.
Keep your eye on the prize... A home free of alcoholics/addicts!!!
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