StarCat

I would say if you have/had any jewelry of value, it would be worthwhile to take a look and make sure it is still there and he didn't pawn it. I would suspect that was his original motivation, before he found the card.

You have a right to serenity in your own home. He is taking that away from you.
In my case, XABF moved himself in with me without my permission (even though his mail and the majority of his possessions were still at his mother's), I suspect so that he could keep an eye on me and ensure that I remained under his thumb.
He was always complaining about how I wasn't supportive enough, I didn't remind him often enough that he didn't want to drink alcohol (he'd get drunk during work, walking out to his car in the parking lot to take sips of whiskey throughout the day), I didn't remind him often enough that he needed to drink water (he passed three water fountains, a water cooler from the water club that he organized, and two vending machines full of bottled water for each trip he made to drink the whiskey), I didn't do a good enough job with the chores around the apartment and his mother could do a better job (she had no job and lived on social security, I worked full time and had no time without him as he insisted on driving me to and from work and then dragging me out on every errand he ran including to the liquor store, and his idea of "helping" consisted of sitting at the dining room table reading the newspaper and pointing out things I needed to do), and I was miserable to be around (gee, wonder where that one came from). The more I tried to be perfect the more mistakes I made and the more I'd be berated for it.

There's no pleasing these people. I couldn't make XABF like me, because he just wanted to use me to make things more comfortable for him.

Life gets better when the cause of the depression is removed. I felt instantly better when I locked XABF out of the apartment, and the more I retook my life for me the better I felt.

Amber23

great replies. took it all to heart and will reread again. The posts about DD made me wince but I take the posts seriously.

Interestingly enough I was posting a pathetic codie post in reply when my internet was shut off for non payment. I was somewhat glad as I knew my post was naive but was more entertained by the fact AH would have no cable. yikes lol.

It seemed so minor but it launched us into a conversation about priorities and boundaries. He went to group therapy today and of course it was unsatisfying. When looking to me for validation that is was pointless i told him that it was better than him sitting on his ass for 2 hours and he would be going or finding another group.

When I ask him what his goal is in the end he seems unsure. Stopping drinking does not seem to be his solution. Therapy for his head seems to be his route....maybe his thinking this will ease him into quitting....seems like he wants to beat this on his terms...and I have told him I don't think it works like that.

I have some clarity. He is so self absorbed and
Wicked your comment "No healthy person will buy alcohol to stave off Dt's. It is not medication, it is death." hit home for me.

Now that medication for withdrawals is possible because of insurance I no longer feel the need to enable the drinking. I was horrified by his last seizure and that has been the reason I have enabled the drinking....so he wouldn't have a seizure again in our presence etc.

I realize that know HE needs to act on taking care of this. I have told him that there is no more money for him to drink and feel confident I will stick to this. He has a little bit of money to continue but when that is gone he will be shocked I am serious.

I think part of the issue is I feel that there is some mental illness included....maybe an OCD type thing. It is this suffering I see physically and mentally that gets me....yet I realize I can't fix that either. His mother thinks it is just alcoholism (her mother was alcoholic) but I am not so sure. However, I didn't grow up with this and I don't know how to assess it. He isn't volatile or abusive, yes selfish and annoying, but more of a tortured soul...this seems harder for me than dealing with a real ass.....that would be easier for me to walk away from, but his sadness and sickness at times conflicts me.

I am still stuck at the crossroads but I see a bit clearer.
Bear with me!

ShootingStar1

It really in the end doesn't make a difference whether his unacceptable behavior is from OCD, alcohol, or the seasons of the moon. Bad behavior is bad behavior. You have to decide for yourself and your kids whether you want to be around it and in its power.

Helping him get alcohol to avoid the DTs is enabling him to keep drinking. Calling the ambulance when he gets the DTs because he's run through all the money he can find, that is compassionate.

It is a very very hard line to find - I lost it for many many years - but it has to do with you deciding, without taking him into consideration at all - what healthy boundaries are for you, and as the only real parent, for your kids. Then when you're clear on your boundaries, compare them to his actions, and it will be clearer what actions to take.

I am finding that my co-dependency has so many layers that when I peel one back, and I think I've got it, I find another layer to peel. The path is very tumultuous for me, and I am far too often pulled back in. But I am making some progress. Hope for the same for you!

BothSidesNow