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why is it so easy for As to abandon us?

Old 08-15-2012, 07:41 PM
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Long before I had any involvement with an A my neighbor told me that an addict is one of the most self absorbed/selfish people on this earth. My neighbor was 83 years old at the time and has a son around 48 years old. So smart, talented, good looking, people loved him. They put him thru rehab 19 times and to this day the son is still living a screwed up life. Finally under the advice of his doctor he asked the father to stay away from his son for his own health. Sad deal....I had no idea what he was really talking about until I became involved with my XABF. I don't get it, I don't get how anyone sick or not could hurt their loved ones as they do! But they do and they will if they are active wo a doubt! Painful painful! Cold heartless and SELF ABSORBED but that too is problem ownership. Not your problem! Sure would be nice if it were that easy!
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:57 PM
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I hate to say it but I think it is because they are completely self absorbed. They will do anything it takes to not feel pain, whether its the drink or having an affair, pornography, whatever it is, they simply do not want to feel. I don't even think they mean to hurt us, it is just the way they cope with reality and quite frankly they can't. I almost wonder if they have emotions? Then I think about all the times he said he loved me etc, was it real?? ARe they capable of having feelings at all, it freaks me out if i think about it too much. Because when i said i loved him I MEANT it and to think that he didn't, really hurts.
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Old 08-16-2012, 01:58 PM
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I am not sure this is always true, but I do believe in most cases the addicted spouse has emotionally disconnected from you long before you have disconnected from them.

I think that's why it's so shocking for the codependent that the AS can leave so easily. They left long ago. It's you that have been trying to hold things together for so long. Not them.
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:41 PM
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Is it ever possible to have them back?
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by SadinNJ View Post
Is it ever possible to have them back?
I like to believe just about anything is possible. However, I need to make my choices and live my life based on what's likely.....

L
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I like to believe just about anything is possible. However, I need to make my choices and live my life based on what's likely.....

L
Amen.
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SadinNJ View Post
Is it ever possible to have them back?
Speaking for myself, I don't want mine back, he has caused me enough heartbreak
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by SadinNJ View Post
Is it ever possible to have them back?
After you've been away from them for a while, after you've started looking within and realizing the part you played, you stop wanting them back and start asking yourself what the hell you were doing with them in the first place.
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:03 PM
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I haven't read this whole thread, so please keep that in mind, but I think it is important to ask yourself about your values and why you would choose to be with someone who has such different values than yours.

I would also ask the same question about getting your needs met - if you know the person cannot or will not meet your needs, why would you bang your head against the wall and expect a dog to act like a cat? It seems that expectations are part of the problem. If he is acting consistently the way he acts and you are consistently hurt by the way he acts, the problem is in your court.
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by SadinNJ View Post
Is it ever possible to have them back?
No I don't think so. For this to happen they would have to look at themself. Not possible, they will still want to blame you for everything. If you ever went back it would be going back to the same bs as before. It is a rare rare person that can look at themselve and realize what they did wrong after they blamed everyone in the world for their own faults.

They will hate you, and call you Ms Perfect. They,if, they ever came back would no longer be able to look you in the face.

JMHO.
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Old 08-16-2012, 08:32 PM
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In my case sadly No but sure in some cases yes! I guess it depends on how much has been endured. What risk your willing to take? In a dream world it would be nice to think you could or can. It happens but I do not know!
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Old 08-16-2012, 09:28 PM
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I started the thread with the intention of trying to understand how it is that the As can leave us so easily. Now I realize, it doesn't matter why, just that he did. I am learning more and more every day.
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Old 08-16-2012, 11:17 PM
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I used a meditation CD once, about forgiveness.. in there you imagine yourself in a calm space and the person you need to forgive comes along to see you. You kind of let your imagination roam free to see "what happens".. I saw XABF, who could not stop crying, asking for my forgiveness and saying X and Y event were unfair to me... it felt so sincere I started crying as well and "told him" it was OK, that we both did our best then... I saw and felt his humanity and was able to feel compassion for both of us.

When this meditation finished I felt slightly more healed. I once saw a shaman (he did not call himself this way but he was ..) and he would say it was indeed part of his soul that arrived to deliver the healing message. Others might think its just a tool of our imagination to soothe the psyche and has nothing to do with souls or energy. Whatever works right.. ?

I am learning, that healing from my abandonment issues is a lifelong homework I have... but realizing I have them is 50% of the work already. IMHO it takes years of therapy and other tools...

About enablers and how we are tools to active addicts, it sounds brutal but its also freeing. At least it was, when I was green with envy for the new woman, then I realized that was not love either, just his world full of enablers... other friends who did not drink as much and scolded him for his habits, were OUT. Talking to another friend who was also distancing himself from XABF made me see, it indeed was not personal, and his alcoholism was (is) very real.

Hugs
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Old 08-17-2012, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I like to believe just about anything is possible. However, I need to make my choices and live my life based on what's likely.....

L
Next step is to make choices and live life based on what is.
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Old 08-17-2012, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I started the thread with the intention of trying to understand how it is that the As can leave us so easily. Now I realize, it doesn't matter why, just that he did. I am learning more and more every day.


Wow, sweettee this is progress! And hopefully this thought will lead you into less sadness and more anger that he abandoned you. And that will lead to better choices for you and your child.

You're right, it doesn't matter why. But now you know the kind of man you are dealing with, a man of no integrity, and that he did you a favor by leaving, as much as it hurts. Let him go; he's not meant to be in your life long term anyway.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
After you've been away from them for a while, after you've started looking within and realizing the part you played, you stop wanting them back and start asking yourself what the hell you were doing with them in the first place.
My story is a new one. I noticed an increase in drinking about 18 months ago...around the time our little april was born. I also noticed a depression starting. Found that it ran in his family. His father was also an alcoholic but has been sober 25+ years.

Financial troubles from a failing biz is also in my forcast.

He has never laid a hand on me or the kids and never verbally abused. He left in March and is still trying to support us so that I don't lose the house.

I feel that his depression and the progressive drinking is the cause although he says that I never really loved him. We have the blame game going on.

I am losing a second family. I have known him 20 which is more than half of my life. He was my best friend first. We were never drinkers. Maybe 2 parties a year...maybe and the alcohol would go dusty from not using. New set of friends were a bad influence....

Am I crazy?
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Old 08-18-2012, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...and this is my opinion only. For some alcoholics it isn't-- they are the ones that stay and fight. No matter how many times they relapse they pick themselves up and keep fighting for sobriety and recovery. Some succeed, some don't, but they fight to the bitter end.

For others it is easy and the reason is that they never loved at all. You were simply the current enabler for whom they had to maintain the illusion of loving you in order to keep you enabling. And, when you stopped enabling, you no longer had a purpose and had to be replaced. For that type of alcoholic you are no different than the tires on a car. When they wear out your replace them, and the only angst around it is that it's kind of a pain in the ass to replace them and you may need to spend a little dough to buy the new ones (unless you can find somebody else to pay for them, and that's what they specialize in).



It's as brutal, uncaring, and as simple as that.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

I think there is much truth in this....with one caveat: some of them, or perhaps most of them, deep inside desperately want to have a "normal" life like non-addicts. I think they do...so they try, but it's hollow, and at the end of the day as they quickly figure out they cannot stand up to the personal responsiblility, the accountability that comes with having a "normal" life....they can retreat easily to what they know and love best.
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