DefofLov

Okay, thanks for the clarification.

I cannot control my feelings and emotions. But I can control how I choose to experience them, express them, and alleviating them.

I can't control the alcoholism in my family. But I can control my decision to abstain from alcohol and my choice to lovingly detach from them.

I can't control the weather, but I can control how I choose to experience it. I choose to love the weather and find positive in just being alive and eel to experience it.

At my job, I have no control over what unit I will be on, but I can choose how I will experience that unit.

So basically, I can't control life in general. I can only control or rather choose the way I experience life and the tools I use to experience it. Such as SR, Al-Anon, HP, etc.

Lily

m1k3

As I worked more on this step and my recovery in whole I came to the conclusion that I can't even control my thoughts or emotions. I think about things that never happened, I worry about things that never will happen, I can have an emotional response to something I hear or read or see. They just happen.

What I can control is my choice as to whether or not I will react to them. I can choose to take that thought or emotion and run with it, or I can simply acknowledge that it happened and let go.

The Zen concept is being a mountain. I am the mountain, thoughts and emotions are clouds in the sky. The mountain doesn't attach to the clouds and the clouds can't move the mountain.

BTW, there are no right or wrong answers or opinions for this. It is an open discussion where we all can share our wisdom, experience, strength and hope in how each of us deals with "control".


Your friend,

LuvMySis

Ditto for me.

FireSprite

This may be a little too far OT but, for myself, I get to this point by "Being in The Now"... I worked on this as part of my yoga/meditation practice. I often find myself living in the past or dreaming into the future without a clear-cut understanding of where I am RIGHT NOW. How do I feel RIGHT NOW? I wanted to gain appreciation for each passing day & stop viewing everything through either hindsight or anticipation. It helps me to really appreciate the little things each day & to realize the bad days won't last forever.

Yoga/meditation help me relax to a point where I feel connected to the Universal Energy all around us & it helps me to feel connected to something bigger than myself. I assume this is what that HP feeling that everyone talks about must feel like, the freedom that Tuffgirl referenced. The feeling that I am giving over my sense of control & getting back a sense of relief instead of anxiety but realizing that nothing has really changed except my perceptions . It's like charging my spiritual batteries & it's in those moments that I most clearly realize I am giving up the sense of control that I never really had to begin with.

I can control leaving my house on time for work in the morning, but I can't control the 5-car accident or construction delays that push me off schedule. My intention was to be to work on time, but I can't control that. But rather than getting bent out of shape & counting minutes, I wonder if by being late today I've avoided being IN the 5-car pileup or maybe I see a rainbow I wouldn't have been in that place to see otherwise. Being "In the Now" helps me shift that experience from feeling like I've lost control (which I never really had) to feeling like I succeeded just because I tried my absolute best at the time.

This is difficult to put into words!

LuvMySis

I read a post a couple of weeks ago where someone (can't remember who) explained putting negative feelings, memories, etc. in a box or a bag and releasing them. It was very helpful to me, but I can't find it now, and I'd like to read it again. When I went to bed that night, I laid there and thought of a bunch of bad memories and thoughts and put them in the box. And that's helpful. But, they're still sitting there weighing on my mind. What in the heck do I do with that box now? How do I do the release part? If someone is familiar with the post I'm talking about, could you provide a link?

And I'd like to hear more about the mountain, m1k3.

m1k3

LuvMySis and CentralOhioDad, a tool that works very well for me is Zen meditation.

It is simply sitting quietly, focus on your breathing and that's all. You can't stop your brain from thinking or having emotions and they will come out doing this. What you do is when you notice you are wandering you gently bring you mind back to focus on your breath. With practice I noticed that the number and volume of thoughts and emotions begin to taper off and I began to find my center. As I got better at being centered it started to spill over into the parts of the day where I wasn't meditating and that I had a tool that I could use to regain my center when I needed to.

Your friend,

rdlesstraveled

wow...... I like that..... I like that a lot!

Chris1000101

The first time I answered this at a meeting . . . I said, “Duct tape and handcuffs do wonders”. :rotfxko It went over well with most but I’ll never forget the look I got from 2 of the old timers. It felt like they were about to grab my ear and drag me out to the woodshed.

Since then I’ve learned I have no control over anything. I can plan all I want but rarely does anything work out my way, including what I think I want for lunch.

DefofLov

:rotfxko

rdlesstraveled

as I sit here at my desk eating lunch and reading this blog, I am beginning to see that i cannot control a freakin thing.

I had certain plans this morning..... some of them have come to fruition and some of them haven't. But I also had some unexpected things happen (ex. a friend was in the vicinity and stopped by the office to say hello).

I cannot control anything because I can not foresee anything. I cannot control people because they have their own plans, their own egos, their own lives and their own needs that may not have anything to do with my needs or my expectations.

I cannot control my own thoughts because they are fleeting, always changing and very liquid. If I tried to control them I would probably go mad.

I cannot control anything except myself in this VERY moment. right at this moment and at no other time because only right now exists.

LaTeeDa

Not only that, but all that anxiety and stress I had over trying to control and failing went away.

L

fourmaggie

^^^^:rotfxko

well, when i first saw and wrote what i wrote, i did not have the words...still dont

i am living in a NON control envirnoment...i do what i do, and dont expect any results expect for what they are...

does that make sense?..(laughing at myself).

m1k3

Makes perfect sense. That's why this is a hard topic to discuss. The thought of giving up control is very scary. It feels like you are going to descend into chaos.

But then, you realize you already living in chaos, you don't have any control anyway and all you are giving up is all the anguish you had of trying to control the chaos.

A good zen saying for this:

If you understand,
then things are as they are.

If you don't understand,
then things are as they are.

Your friend,

sweetteewalls

I can control my mind, perception, physical self, emotions, responses and most important my own self worth.

Tuffgirl

I admit when Mike first introduced me to this concept, it was hard to accept. I was obsessing over what I didn't understand because it didn't make any sense. And because it didn't make any sense, I struggled to accept it as truth. Understanding that it still is the way it is regardless of whether or not I understand why is acceptance. And finally achieving acceptance was a huge release. It allowed me to set it all down and walk away from it for good. And I can't even begin to describe how good that feels...

Thanks Mike!

JrsJourney

Honestly? I have no control over anything. I place my life and my will in my HP's hands every single freaking day. (<--- sorry but I have issues of taking BACK what I turn over and I am still learning and I get frustrated.) I can practice how not to REACT to an event or situation and instead RESPOND...but still ultimately I have no control - of anything - ever - no exceptions.

Hypatia

Don't be so hard on yourself. You did manage to control your hands and fingers, thoughts and intellect, keyboard and mouse enough to post.

marliese22

I took control when sitting in a marriage counseling session. I decided that I would no longer be willing to take my AH drinking when he wanted under his own terms with disregard for how I felt about it He had agreed not to drink in front of me but ended up getting drunk before I arrived on numerous occasions. This was not acceptable to me and I told him in front of the therapist he needed to make a choice being able to drink or be with me. Of course he choose to drink and that should have been expected but it still hurts. We are now starting the divorce process and I need to be in control of what I get as the settlement and get what I deserve under the law. This is another thread i am going to start later today after we meet

TakingCharge999

Interesting topics!!

I prefer to see it as "options" ..


For instance all the background noise at home that sometimes gets to me ...

I can either stay and be unhappy
Or leave
Or put on earplugs and play my own music (jazz)

Its your inner safe place vs. stressors (also within, or outside..)
And you can choose how much you want to protect your safe place..


Anyway, the other day some words hurt me and I was upset all afternoon. A "friend" told me I could choose not to let it get to me. But it did. And in my opinion I have NO control about what will "move" me and what not. Afterwards.. MAYBE.. I can choose to distract myself.. or study it deeper to see what was going on with me (my unmet needs of protection, that was my problem, not the words of this other person).. or just forget it.. but I truly don't think I can go "nothing no one ever says will make me upset" well we are sentient beings....

Now I am rambling. But thanks for the reminders to live in the present moment. As LTD said, life is an adventure and when you ease up and know EVERYTHING is temporary then its easier not to "cling" ... and then suffer...

Better to be a surfer, not a cow

m1k3