FindingErica

AH wrote and said he wants to fly here and see the kids first weekend in sept. he wants to pick them up and take hem to a local theme park for the day. He told them he was coming when he spoke to them on the phone and they are all excited. I'm asking for sole custody with supervised visits but there is nothing legal in place, only what was put in the divorce papers, which he still has two weeks to respond to.

He has not once asked me if the kids need anything or if we are ok financially. It's the beginning of the school year and I have had to shell out for new clothes, shoes, supplies, school fees..etc. he just wants to breeze into town, be fun guy for a weekend, then breeze out, leaving me to be the practical, disciplinarian parent. Well, for the most part that was our marriage, except at least then he was financially supporting us. I know he is making money now and a lot of it.

All he cares about is his NA/ AA meetings, and I know he is planning on staying there for a year with his support group. Im starting to feel nothing but disgust every time he mention those groups. He traded one addiction for another. I know this because this is where he was at with church when i met him, i just didnt understsnd that at the time. But that doesn't mean he can neglect his responsibility to his kids or just breeze in and out at will, leaving me to hold the bag. I'm really starting to feel angry about this coming visit. He is disrupting the peace I have managed to build for me and the kids. The kids really want to see him. I hate this. Good, bad or ugly this is how I feel: I don't care if he is drugging it up or boo hooing in NA... He's not here so it is all the same to me, an excuse to neglect his family, I want some flipping child support and I don't care if he ever darkens my door again. I'm sure he has picked up some skank at one of the meetings anyway and is probably crawling with some VD.

Yes I'm in an ugly mood.

ObstructedView

In my non-lawyer opinion, I would not let him be with the kids, unsupervised, without a court order. Please talk to your attorney, but it is my understanding that if you don't have a court order, he could legally take the children.

Hopeworks

Hi Erica,

My first husband was a complete deadbeat and never did pay child support however it is not about him it is about your kids and trust me that they will figure it out... mine did.

When kids fully realize that their dad is a complete loser and not the hero they always looked up to there is no victory or happiness... I was so sad for my kids as I saw how they changed in how they felt about their dad.

I never kept them from him and made sure they had a relationship and the last time they saw him (they are now 25 and 30) they loaned money to him so he could pay his rent.

So... if you can SAFELY dial in a day for them when they are still naive and innocent kids who will make a memory with their daddy it will be good for them and their self esteem and knowing they are not being abandoned.

Smile and be gracious and get lawyer to chase the child support and a fair settlement.

.... love your signatures...

GettingBy

Talk to your attorney about temporary orders for custody and child support. You can and should have them in place while the divorce is negotiated.

lillamy

Yes, all of the above. Don't let him take off with the kids without adequate legal protection in place.

FindingErica

This was supposed to go in family of substance abuse, since you all don't know me. But he is an admitted addict and alcoholic, so probably doesn't matter. I'll have to make a proper intro in a bit

FindingErica

Thank you all for your kind replies, I work night shift do can only respond at break time. My backstory is that we were in the middle of a cross country move, home sold and I was discussing a job transfer to another state. AH was supposed to get a job in that city, and go ahead. He then found a job he had to have in a third state which would mean I had to give up my secure job to find a new one. After three weeks he lost his dream job cut would not leave this new city, and remained there unemployed while I was supporting the household on my lesser salary, caring for the kids, dealing with the house sale, packing and working overtime here. He somehow can't manage to start a job. Finally I find out from family members that he is doing drugs- K2, spice, incense...etc and is high all the time, sleeping through interviews, making a jerk of himself. I knew he smoked it but didn't really know how bad it was. Then I start finding out how much he was smoking it when he was still here, and since I work nights and every other weekend, he was hiding his use by using when alone with the kids. So I found a rental in my current area and kept my job. He has opted to stay in the new state an work the NA/AA 12 steps, as he also claims to be an alcoholic. I served him with divorce papers this month. Before that he was threatening me for money and doing the guilt, fear, obligation game. At this point he does not have a phone number or address for me and the kids; he communicates by email with me and I have the kids call from our blocked number once a week. He claims to be working, which I know is true because he got served at his place of employment. So that is where we are at

tjp613

That's a tough one, Erica. Unless you fear for their safety, I tend to agree with Hopeworks. However, if you do fear he will be high/drunk, then I would make other (fun) plans with the kids for the weekend he's in town.

outtolunch

Just because he asks, does not compel you to respond, does it?

Cyranoak

Unless you fear for your personal safety, please consider telling him no. Don't explain, don't criticize him, don't give him advice, and don't even discuss it. Just say no.

And, if the kids complain or he tries to turn them against you, simply tell them he can't be alone with them because Daddy, while he loves them, is a drug addict and they would not be safe. Since they wouldn't be safe and you love them so much you had to say no.

All just informed and experienced suggestions, and opinions only for you to consider. As they say, "my two cents."

Cyranoak