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Do you cry?

Old 08-14-2012, 04:53 PM
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Do you cry?

So, my therapist was really getting on me about my defense mechanisms and how I stuff my feelings and never cry. She said there were 2 times that I teared up in her office and I pushed it down and managed to stop the tears.

I realized that this is a habit from childhood. My dad was not emotionally mature and couldn't handle it when we cried. He'd tell us to knock it off, quit our whining, stop complaining, etc. but he was the biggest complainer in the family. My mother is about as emotional as a robot. Love her dearly and she has made her parenting mistakes, plenty of them but she's accountable for them and we have made peace and there's been forgiveness and acceptance. She just doesn't express emotions like normal humans do. I still have NEVER seen my mother cry. I heard her choke up on the phone once when her friend died, but that was about it.

My therapist asked me when was the last time I cried. Honestly, I don't even know. I make light of my troubles, I downplay them, and I don't believe that crying does much for me except give me a major headache. Anyway, we started discussing how I put up defense mechanisms of my own and I realized how they started as a child. I had to make light of my troubles or else my dad would bark at me and complain that I was being too much of a girl.

My AH has said over the years that I'm like a guy when it comes to expressing emotions and it's one of the things he liked about me. I wasn't weepy, sentimental, and clingy. If anything, I AM a lot like many men: stoic, standoffish, unemotional, sarcastic to downplay stuff, and I even make fun of myself when I'm embarrassed. Is anyone else like this or is this just me? I seriously have no idea how to BE emotional. I feel emotions, but I don't allow myself to fully express them or I let them out via other avenues like sarcasm, humor, or avoidance.
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Old 08-14-2012, 04:57 PM
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Oh yeah, I only cry in my counselors office. Was just told I was intelligent, but emotionally unskilled, or emotionally immature...I'm still trying to figure out what that all means.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:20 PM
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I don't remember whether or not you said you are an ACoA but I think it is one of the traits of ACoAs, to stuff our feelings, to not be in touch with our feelings. I personally do cry; no problem there. You may want to take up yoga. Once you get the positions down, it can help you to release your emotions, no exaggeration. It's all in the breath.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:29 PM
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I very, very rarely cry. I hate to cry. I hate crying in front of other people; so if I do cry, it's usually at bedtime. But, I hate the way I feel the next morning, my eyes burn, they are puffy, my sinuses get all congested.

I try and keep it in, even if I'm on the verge of tears. Usually I'm successful.

I did cry a few times out of anger when axbf was here.

I am a ACOA. I have only seen my mom cry a few times. It actually kind of scares me when she does for some reason. I guess I should clarify, my mom wasn't the A, my dad was.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:37 PM
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i feel like all i do is cry. sometimes, i wish i could dry up and be more stoic.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:46 PM
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I hate to cry and seem to do it inappropriately.

Example: I never cried when my mother died.

Yet, when I watch little kids play a sport and everyone claps when an injured player stands up, suddenly I am a mess and glad I am wearing sunglasses.

Today I teared up when all the traffic pulled aside to let an emergency vehicle through!?!

When I do cry publicly, the fact of that seems to hurt me almost as much the original hurt.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:50 PM
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I used to cry at AT&T commercials.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:52 PM
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I have cried a lot over the last several years! I think I cry when I need to cry sometimes at home, with a friend, alone. I guess just when I need too. I prefer not to cry but when it happens it happens. Feel better for it and worse too! If I cry too much I feel like someone took a beating to my eyes the next day. But it does release a lot for me.
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I don't remember whether or not you said you are an ACoA but I think it is one of the traits of ACoAs, to stuff our feelings, to not be in touch with our feelings. I personally do cry; no problem there. You may want to take up yoga. Once you get the positions down, it can help you to release your emotions, no exaggeration. It's all in the breath.
I am an ACOA (my dad was an alcohol abuser, not quite a problematic alcoholic but the behaviors and attitudes were all there) and I am a former yoga instructor. I still attend classes but don't have time in my schedule to teach anymore. Honestly, it's WAY better to attend a class than it is to teach. When I taught, I never got the relax time as I was always coaching others through it. So, I knew the relaxation benefit(via breath control and muscle relaxation) and was able to talk others through it but I never got to practice it myself unless I went to someone else's class. My favorite classes to teach were when I'd find students asleep on their mats after my class. I always felt like I did my job because they felt so relaxed. Well, either that or they didn't get enough sleep the night before, LOL!

Here's my yoga tip of the day: When you are relaxing at the end of your session(or laying in bed ready to fall asleep), remind yourself to release your tongue from the roof of your mouth. This helps relax the jaw and other facial muscles. It's amazing how much tension we hold in our jaws, our eyes, and foreheads. Bet you didn't realize that your tongue was up there either, did ya? LOL!
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:49 PM
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I never cried....until I got off of my anti-depressants!! Now I cry as I feel like it or when it is appropriate for me. I see now how those drugs made my emotions "flat", which is a common complaint.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:01 PM
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I am like you too! I'll be 100 percent alone in the shower or in my car and I just won't be able to cry. The only time I cry is when I've been drinking. Our families sound very similar as well. I often got "Stop the poor you act" or "Grow Up" when I cried in front of my parents even at a young age.
The only time I'm able to let go and cry is when I've been drinking. Then I'll cry rather hysterically and even in front of people.
I think your therapist is accurate in her assumption that you stuff your feelings down or feel some shame in displaying raw emotion. I'd say it is pretty deeply embedded within you as you have a difficult displaying emotion even when alone.
Perhaps you could take up writing? That way you have a way of getting your feelings out in some way...and the next time you feel the need to cry, just let yourself cry. There is nothing wrong or shameful about it. And sometimes it really can make you feel better.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by wellnowwhat View Post
I hate to cry and seem to do it inappropriately.

Example: I never cried when my mother died.

Yet, when I watch little kids play a sport and everyone claps when an injured player stands up, suddenly I am a mess and glad I am wearing sunglasses.

Today I teared up when all the traffic pulled aside to let an emergency vehicle through!?!

When I do cry publicly, the fact of that seems to hurt me almost as much the original hurt.
I am like this too, i didn't cry when my friend and colleague died (however i was terribly sad) but i will cry over a silly commercial.
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I used to cry at AT&T commercials.
when my husband died..my mom said..."do not be afraid of your
emotions--ANYWHERE"

so it did, happen anywhere...grocery stores (darn elevator music!)
in the car ALOT
dropping the kids at daycare (for a break)
it came in waves and i road them!

now, its just that sad movie...(DEAR JOHN on Saturday....lol)
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:11 PM
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Thanks everyone for sharing ur insight. i often wondered about this topic. i dont cry. sometimes i really wish i could. i tend to work out my emotions thru exercise. i run every day, and lift, do yoga, etc. maybe thats ok - i dont know - it seems to work. guess ive been doing it for so long i never really gave it much thought. i was born into an alcoholic family and have been with A's in every dang relationship i've ever been in. (codie much?) sigh. anyway, i think over the course of my life i've become quite the pro at keeping all the dirt bottled up tight. I swear if i ever get strong enuff to break free of my current ABF, im DONE. I really think i can be happy being just me.
....And A Rock Feels No Pain. And An Island Never Cries.
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:22 PM
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...I'm backwards, apparently...I shed tears when I'm extremely happy and more often when happy than when I'm sad. I realize that extreme happiness is a strong emotion for me and sadness is a flatter emotion for me. I intellectualize a lot so I believe that is why I don't cry as much with death, etc. I tend to think of the positive as far as I believe it (I will see them again one day, etc.).

I also imagine my upbringing plays a big part in this...while growing up, my dad would often tell me that words don't hurt...don't know how he believed that or why he believed it important to drum in my and my siblings heads (over and over).
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Old 08-14-2012, 10:29 PM
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I've cried more in the last two years than probably in the ten years before. Many nights I've cried myself to sleep. Went to see a lawyer last week about the property A and I own together. After that I went to a restaurant and ordered a Coke because I wasn't ready to go home yet. It was the middle of the afternoon and I was the only one there. Which was a good thing because all of a sudden the tears started and wouldn't stop. I was so ashamed at crying in public but I couldn't control it. I did feel better after, although still embarrassed at breaking down that way.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:10 AM
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As you all know I was working my own recovery before meeting up with my loved one with alcohol concerns.

Learning how to cry was one of the first "BIG" signs of my recovery. I grew up with two ACoA parents, and crying was not for "big" girls.

First I learned to do it with the counselor. Then about a year later I actually cried a lone.

Currently I cry regularly. My counselor is helping me to see that in many ways I am crying all the old tears I did not do before.

I exercised, used food, stuffed emotions etc. Yoga and mediation and being mindful has helped. Honestly being given permission to cry (and just that the therapist noted it) sounds like such true and loving support.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:49 AM
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Do I cry?
A lot more than I'd like to! When chaos is full steam ahead, it's usually daily.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:54 AM
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I do not cry. About my STBXAH. I have had to develop a really hard arse to deal with his crap.

I cry when I watch Christian the Lion on Youtube.

I cry when I listen to Michelle Shocked.

I don;t cry when the people, adults, I love **** me over. I'm used to it.

One night I cried. STBXAH laid into me verbally and then my mother followed with everything she never liked about me too.

Having two people who should love you metaphorically slam your head into a wall with their verbal **** was nasty.

That was the last time I cried about real people treating me badly. Now, I am just used to it. I do not expect other adults to treat me respectfully.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:57 AM
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When I first started going down this road with my AW I cried a lot. I felt that this was all my fault and was a failure not being able to fix her problem. Now I never cry at the situation at home. I try to, but I am becoming very indifferent to her situation. But I will cry if I hear a certain song, or seeing someone helping another out of pure concern for that person. I grieve for the past life that I had with my wife, but I dont cry anymore. In one of my posts about looking inward, beautiful garden gave me a reply that made me start to bawl. I had to go into the bathroom to compose myself. Get some strange looks when a 6'6" man is blubbering like a baby.
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