Sungrl

He calls giving up on him. Is it the same thing? I felt it was the right thing to do because as I have read here a million times the addict needs to focus on changing their behavior and until they do we are nothing but enablers. Any how, is this just a manipulation tactic? Does he truly think I don't care anymore? The message left on my VM, which I did not respond to,went something like this. After 3 days NC..... "so are you really going to give up on me when i need you the most? this is bs, please call me back, I need your help." Now what??

LaTeeDa

How long were you there for him? How many times did you try to "help" him? If you were what he needed, wouldn't he be all better by now?

Of course it's BS. Of course it's manipulation. He wants his enabler back. Addiction is hard to sustain without the help of others. Sobriety, on the other hand, can be accomplished all alone.

L

Sungrl

Hung in for two years, watched things go from bad to worse. You are 100% correct. Why isn't he allllll better by now if it was me he needed. THANKS I needed to hear that.

suki44883

No contact is something we do for ourselves. It keeps us from being involved in the chaos. No contact means no phone calls, no voice mails, no texts, no emails, no discussing the addict with friends or relatives and no personal contact. When we listen to the voice mails, we start to doubt ourselves. The addict is a master of maniupulation. They cannot manipulate you if they cannot reach you.

m1k3

No contact doesn't have anything to do with him. It is for you, to give you some room and some quiet and a chance to get yourself back together. You are doing this for you because you are worth it.

I know how hard it can be, I am in the process of a divorce, we have been separated for a year and half and out of the blue I get a text that says "I am so sorry". I will admit it wobbled me a little, well maybe more that a little. They know exactly the right things to say and when to say them to make you doubt yourself. I deleted the text without replying and spent the afternoon trying to work past the anger, again

Because of the divorce I have to at least read her emails and texts just in case it is divorce related. I think she sent it because she just got the papers to sign in the last couple of days.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

Cyranoak

...it's a classic tactic of the alcoholic when their enablers stop enabling, and it also doesn't matter. Even though we all know it has nothing to do with you "giving up on him," it doesn't matter because it's not your job to help him.

It's his, and his alone.

The moment you strap that on again not only are you dishonoring him as an adult man, but you are again enabling him so he doesn't have to do any of the heavy lifting in terms of his own life for which he is fully and completely responsible.

IMHO, the most loving thing you can do for him and yourself is not call back, and not help. Go on with your life, learn from this experience so you don't replicate it with the next guy, and make him go on with his.

Good luck.

My two cents,

Cyranoak

JustaBloke

I needed to read this. Because it feels a lot like in my case she is the one that went NC (which drives me nuts!)...

But I need to remind myself that I'm doing this..

You aren't giving up on him at all... its sucks that Alcoholics don't realize that your life is not all about them!

ZiggyB

Honestly, do you really think anything is going to change?

We all know how much it hurts to be missing someone you were in a relationship with, but you can't help him, he needs to do some serious work on himself. If you must talk to him, tell him to go to an AA meeting and you can't help him anymore than that because you're not a psychiatrist.

rdlesstraveled

I feel you! I am so very confused about all of this. How do you know when to just completely walk-away???? When is the cry for help real? When is love real? Can love and alcoholism coincide? *sigh*

I am an ACOA, so I think that my confusion is due to the fact that my mother toughed it out..... hence this whole scenario is familiar to me and my soul.....

rdlesstraveled

but then again, maybe for some of us, the alcoholic is top priority and they know this.....

thank you for pointing this out because this is def. an important clue that yet again, I am still acting (and being) a CODA.

rdlesstraveled

I guess it is still manipulation even though "I" may not want to think (or believe) that they are manipulating me..... *sigh*

this is a baffling, confusing disease (for everyone involved)

suki44883

Instead of looking at it as "giving up" on him, maybe you should think of it as "saving" yourself. Once you truly understand and accept that you do not have any control over anyone except yourself, then it won't seem so confusing.

rdlesstraveled

this control thing is a struggle. to give up control is scary as $hit!

I feel like I would be jumping into the ocean without a lifejacket or buoy to hold onto.

Absolutely nothing to hold onto........ it would just be me, the ocean and God.

hmmm, interesting.

suki44883

During your time together with him, did you have any control over what he did? What has changed to make you think you might have any control now?

m1k3

I did a thread on this over a year ago when I was in the same place. I think I'll start another version of it as there are a lot of new people and what came out of it was very interesting. I know it really helped me.

Your friend,