A sad day
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
A sad day
I told AW in no uncertain terms that I want a separation. We have discussed it before but I think she thought it would eventually just blow over. I just can't live with this disease. I care for her. Love her? I don't know anymore. There has been so many years of living with her disease I'm not sure where the love went. I know I haven't received any in years. I have been with her for half of my life. Hard to believe an 18 year relationship is racing towards its end they way it is, but now I am in a relationship with a disease not the woman I fell in love with.
Talking with her now is so hard to take. The lying, blame shifting, just plain making things up. I feel so bad for her, I know she is struggling & doesn't want to act the way she is but something else has control of her. I am just an obstacle for her drinking & I get the resentments which in turn fuel her drinking. I have stopped giving her reasons to drink, I have stopped enabling but I am still her reason to drink (in her mind).
This is so hard. I want so desperately to flip a switch & go back to when there wasn't a problem & we can continue our journey in life together. But the past is a page already turned & her problem existed even though I wasn't aware. If I could only "deal with it". But I can't. I can't stand to see the person who means the most to me in this world slowly killing her body & mind. I can't do it any longer.
Talking with her now is so hard to take. The lying, blame shifting, just plain making things up. I feel so bad for her, I know she is struggling & doesn't want to act the way she is but something else has control of her. I am just an obstacle for her drinking & I get the resentments which in turn fuel her drinking. I have stopped giving her reasons to drink, I have stopped enabling but I am still her reason to drink (in her mind).
This is so hard. I want so desperately to flip a switch & go back to when there wasn't a problem & we can continue our journey in life together. But the past is a page already turned & her problem existed even though I wasn't aware. If I could only "deal with it". But I can't. I can't stand to see the person who means the most to me in this world slowly killing her body & mind. I can't do it any longer.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Do you know what will happen next? Have you or she made a plan of where she is going to go or is is still sinking in? I went through a divorce with someone a few years ago and it is not an easy time, whether there is alcohol involved or not.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be involved anymore. Truthfully they are under the spell of their addictions and it is up to them to get better. I was on the receiving end of lies, hidden drinking, irresponsible behavior, moodiness and verbal abuse. Axbf finally told me after we break up he has been been depressed. I know he struggles with mental illness but nothing will seek him to get help. His form of "help" is getting drunk with his enabler friends.
My thoughts are with you - have you consulted an attorney?
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Do you know what will happen next? Have you or she made a plan of where she is going to go or is is still sinking in? I went through a divorce with someone a few years ago and it is not an easy time, whether there is alcohol involved or not.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be involved anymore. Truthfully they are under the spell of their addictions and it is up to them to get better. I was on the receiving end of lies, hidden drinking, irresponsible behavior, moodiness and verbal abuse. Axbf finally told me after we break up he has been been depressed. I know he struggles with mental illness but nothing will seek him to get help. His form of "help" is getting drunk with his enabler friends.
My thoughts are with you - have you consulted an attorney?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
My prayers are there with you as well. I will never totally understand why things happen the way they do, but I know that there is always a purpose to His design. Maybe, just maybe this will be the key for her.
The right words, by the right person, in the right place and at the right time ... can totally change the world. If we could only figure out who, what, when and where.
The right words, by the right person, in the right place and at the right time ... can totally change the world. If we could only figure out who, what, when and where.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 104
My heart goes out to you. I have been with my recovering alcoholic husband for 20 years (married for 19) and boy oh boy what a ride! 
I too have longed for the "good old days" but realized those days will never come back. Things can get better with an actively recovering spouse but someone said something once that helped me let go of longing for the husband I used to know. They said something like this: Once a cucumber becomes a pickle it can never become a cucumber again.
So yea, this disease changes people and realistically there's no going back to that exact person. Change can happen - relationships can be repaired - but it's a lot of work that both parties have to WANT in their hearts. When I separated from my husband those two times (when he was in an active state of drinking and drugging) I got myself into alanon, focused on myself and got out of the negative patterns.
Many times separating leads to divorce and it's the best thing for the people involved...and sometimes people really focus on recovery and are able to get back with their spouse and lead better lives together. The main thing here is to focus on yourself and what's best for you.
Again I am sorry you are in pain. It seems you are taking the right steps to get back to you and your happiness/serenity. Set your boundaries and detach with love. Separate yourself from this disease and the active abuser.
I too have longed for the "good old days" but realized those days will never come back. Things can get better with an actively recovering spouse but someone said something once that helped me let go of longing for the husband I used to know. They said something like this: Once a cucumber becomes a pickle it can never become a cucumber again.
So yea, this disease changes people and realistically there's no going back to that exact person. Change can happen - relationships can be repaired - but it's a lot of work that both parties have to WANT in their hearts. When I separated from my husband those two times (when he was in an active state of drinking and drugging) I got myself into alanon, focused on myself and got out of the negative patterns.
Many times separating leads to divorce and it's the best thing for the people involved...and sometimes people really focus on recovery and are able to get back with their spouse and lead better lives together. The main thing here is to focus on yourself and what's best for you.
Again I am sorry you are in pain. It seems you are taking the right steps to get back to you and your happiness/serenity. Set your boundaries and detach with love. Separate yourself from this disease and the active abuser.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It is sad. Very. But it's sadder to think of and actually live out a life together in which you dont have the person as your spouse who you thought you were going to spend life with.
Expect her to make many promises and be on best behavior now that youve said you want a separation. Maybe it's already happening. That's how I wound up staying in my marriage far too long. Each time I was ready to go for many years, I'd hear promises ams see momentary periods of action from him that made me think I was wro g to go and should give it one more chance. All that happened w each "chance" I gave is that sooner or later things went back to how they were. The changes and promises NEVER lasted.
My heart goes out to you.
Expect her to make many promises and be on best behavior now that youve said you want a separation. Maybe it's already happening. That's how I wound up staying in my marriage far too long. Each time I was ready to go for many years, I'd hear promises ams see momentary periods of action from him that made me think I was wro g to go and should give it one more chance. All that happened w each "chance" I gave is that sooner or later things went back to how they were. The changes and promises NEVER lasted.
My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I haven't even told her the real reason why we should be separated yet. I told her all the behaviors that were unacceptable to me. All those behaviors are caused by her drinking. I think it might be time to address the "elephant in the room". We (I) haven't talked about her drinking in years. Even before Alanon I found it pointless as it would just make things worse. It never changed anything & gave her a reason to do it again.
I don't know what I'll do if she starts making promises. She hasn't had to make any to me in a long time as I've either just let it slide or more recently, detached. This is so hard & it would be so easy to let it slide again. But every time I think about how hard it is, I think about all the times I've been left alone while she's out drinking or passed out. She has left me alone for a long time, she has abandoned me.
What's interesting to me is that this was all initiated by her. She came to me & said she couldn't live like this anymore (meaning us, not drinking). I said I felt the same & just never let go of it. Then the other day she said she was happy in the marriage!?!?! But of course she's happy, she cranks up the chaos until, despite my trying with every bit of my soul not to, I give in & we fight about it. Now she can drink. I have done my job for her. I think what is really scaring her is I have never had this much resolve with something like this before. I feel like I always have to have my guard up preparing for whatever chaos she brings. I want to step back & take a DEEEEEEEEEEEP breath! I've had this big stone wall around me for so long & I want to find safety & comfort in myself instead of behind this wall.
I don't know what I'll do if she starts making promises. She hasn't had to make any to me in a long time as I've either just let it slide or more recently, detached. This is so hard & it would be so easy to let it slide again. But every time I think about how hard it is, I think about all the times I've been left alone while she's out drinking or passed out. She has left me alone for a long time, she has abandoned me.
What's interesting to me is that this was all initiated by her. She came to me & said she couldn't live like this anymore (meaning us, not drinking). I said I felt the same & just never let go of it. Then the other day she said she was happy in the marriage!?!?! But of course she's happy, she cranks up the chaos until, despite my trying with every bit of my soul not to, I give in & we fight about it. Now she can drink. I have done my job for her. I think what is really scaring her is I have never had this much resolve with something like this before. I feel like I always have to have my guard up preparing for whatever chaos she brings. I want to step back & take a DEEEEEEEEEEEP breath! I've had this big stone wall around me for so long & I want to find safety & comfort in myself instead of behind this wall.
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Originally Posted by OhBoy 
This is so hard. I want so desperately to flip a switch & go back to when there wasn't a problem & we can continue our journey in life together.
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